10 Reasons Why

20 Messages I Am Telepathically Sending to the Bonehead Driver in Front of Me

Note: Taking a short break from the Quik Trip saga (half of you will be disgruntled about this, the other half will light a votive candle of appreciation) to share an older bit that the lovely Melanie excavated during her archaeological dig on my old website. This one is a wee bit mean, and the last item is a head-scratcher if you don’t get the reference, but hey, life’s too short to try and please everybody. Enjoy.

 

1. “Unless you’re giving birth right there in the front seat, there’s no reason why you can’t stay within the lane markers.”

2. “There is no possible way that your car has passed inspection in the last fifteen years. I haven’t seen this many violations in one place since the Kardashians were picked up for another season.”

3. “It’s nice that you’ve designated God as your co-pilot. But it looks like He didn’t get the memo.”

4. “That there red electrical tape is right pretty as a brake light cover. Sure is.”

5. “In certain parts of Texas, they would have already shot you by this point.”

6. “Do you even understand that you are driving a car right now?”

7. “Why do you keep slamming on the brakes for no apparent reason? What happened to you in your childhood?”

8. “Are you trying to win some type of award for the sheer number of stuffed animals lined up in your back window?”

9. “It’s so sad that all the other cars on the road are interfering with your ability to talk on your cell phone.”

10. “Quit looking at me like that in your rear-view mirror. I wouldn’t be honking if you actually knew what you were doing.”

11. “Uh huh. You just had to swerve around me at 90 miles an hour, yet here we are waiting at the same stoplight two blocks later. What the hell did you prove with that move?”

12. “Um, the light is green now. Do you want it to say ‘please’ before you actually go?”

13. “Do you seriously not grasp the concept of what lane you should be in before you exit the highway?”

14. “Here’s a thought: If you would actually put down that triple-decker cheeseburger for two seconds, you might actually be able to focus on the road. But the bit about using your boobs to hold your drink was kind of interesting, so I’ll give you a couple points for that.”

15. “I’m going to guess that you have to pay for your car insurance on an hourly basis.”

16. “Dude, I can’t help you merge into my lane if you insist on going the same speed as me. Pull ahead or drop behind, then we can be merge buddies forever.”

17. “If you throw one more thing out the window we’re going to end up on Jerry Springer.”

18. “Could you turn that radio up a little bit louder? Because I think there’s some dead people in Siberia that can’t quite hear all the words.”

19. “You know what? Maybe if you didn’t let your 47 kids do handsprings in the backseat, you wouldn’t be ricocheting off the guardrails like a chipmunk on crack.”

20. “Why couldn’t YOU have been on Oceanic Fight 815?”

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 04/11/12, which explains some of the dated references. No changes made, not because I didn’t think some might be warranted (they are), but because it’s the wee hours of the morning and I’m tired. We’ll get back to Justine and Festus and my daddy issues with the next post. Hopefully…

P.S. Okay, fine. I did make a few changes after all. I can’t help it.

 

33 replies »

  1. “14. “Here’s a thought: If you would actually put down that triple-decker cheeseburger for two seconds, you might actually be able to focus on the road. But the bit about using your boobs to hold your drink was kind of interesting, so I’ll give you a couple points for that”

    I don’t eat and drive, so that wasn’t me, but I have been known to use my boobs for water bottle holding. I have a perfectly good reason for doing that, which I will try to blog about because I know you’re dying to know. Points for boobage use accepted.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Aw. I’m SO GLAD you did re-use this. Now I’m going to go to the local cop shop, the DMV and anywhere else bone heads who drive ten ton vehicles in a reckless manner and think it doesn’t matter congregate to pay fines and get somebody to renew their licenses; and paste this list to their windows, message boards and columns (our buildings are constructed with actual columns right in the middle of things) . That turn signal thing ought to come with a death sentence. Nobody up in these parts knows how to use one….well except me and I’m a superlative driver. Just excellent. Ask that cop who gave me the $120 ticket for 5 mph OVER the incredibly low speed limit. (who goes 30?? ANYWHERE but in podunk Utah, wherein I reside. It’s obscene).

    Liked by 1 person

    • And thank YOU for the suggestion, as it was fun pulling it out of the archives and mulling over my animosity toward mankind a decade ago. Now, keep me updated as you scamper about Utah and post this thing everywhere. We have to be united and strong to overcome the madness…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Confession: I did a right click, “search Google for Oceanic Fight 815” before proceeding. But I’m glad I did because now I know this is airline used in multiple mediums — and now blogs!
    Yet another indication of the education value found at Bonnywood. Did you submit your grant application yet?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m usually shouting something along the line of ‘you have a gas pedal for a reason’ … or, ‘pick a lane, any lane’ or, ‘yes, we have another winner of the centre-of-the-universe award’ … or ‘you are sooooo special’ … or, ‘don’t even think about cutting me off’ … “bastard”.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At least you don’t scream. I stopped driving six months ago because of the stress. I drive safely so it’s not as if I’m in a hurry to get anywhere. It is true that you have to read drivers in order to avoid accidents. I can tell when someone is going to swerve in front of me without indicating, based on how slowly they’re going. It isn’t that difficult to flip on the winker. I walk everywhere now. I’m fitter, get to meet cute puppies and I am a lot more easygoing. I have to give up stilettos but, it’s a small price to pay for peace and quiet. No more, $&$#%!*+@, or using the eff word as a noun, verb, preposition, adjective and conjunction in the same sentence, et cetera. Candles lit in solidarity.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You bring up some of the very points that I keep presenting to my partner, in my quest to convince him that we need to move to a small village in the south of Spain (I am completely enraptured with this area after visiting there a few times recently), where we can walk to everything and we never, ever have to operate a motor vehicle again. He’s not been particularly receptive to my thoughts on the matter, but I’m still working on him.

    It’s SO good to hear from you. I really miss our conversations, truly do.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.