10 Reasons Why

10 Reasons Why the Cold Weather Is No Longer My Friend

1. The constant nipple protrusion.

When the temperature drops, my hi-beams come on. For hours at a time. And with an intensity that is mildly frightening. Some of my shirts are so lacerated at pec level that it looks like Edward Scissorhands dropped by for a drunken game of Twister. On the positive side, with these diamond nubs going on, you could put me on one of those slot-racer things from my childhood and I would never fly off the tracks on the sharp curves. (“Go, Speed Racer, go!”)

 

2. The inverse reaction a bit further south.

Although I might be running around with Ginsu knives sticking out of my chest, the reverse is transpiring with the twig and berries. Mr. Happy wants to be someplace warm, and apparently that place is back inside my body. This makes things very difficult to find when nature calls. I’m tired of going on a scavenger hunt in Nutbush City Limits. (It never hurts to include a Tina Turner reference in whatever you are doing. Trust me.)

 

3. The nightly charbroiling.

I understand that the heater needs to run all night or we will die, frozen in our beds, not discovered until the Spring Thaw when the sheriff knocks on the door to see why we ain’t paid our light bill. But I don’t understand why the process of heating has to suck all the moisture out of your body, leaving you as nothing more than a burnt-out husk trapped under 7 layers of Aunt Jethrine’s special afghans, too dehydrated to call for help.

 

4. The lip-splitting and tongue-cracking.

If you do manage to somehow survive the night, your mouth probably won’t, especially if you have gas heating. Your lips will be criss-crossed with deep, blood-filled ravines, and your tongue will feel like you’ve been shoving it in a cotton bale all night, looking for love in all the wrong places. Do not try to roll your tongue around in search of the one remaining drop of saliva in your mouth. You risk losing a layer of tongue skin if it comes in contact with some of the more treacherously arid parts of your cheeks. Instead, calmly and patiently crawl your way to the nearest source of fresh water, even if it’s the pet bowl, and then drink 5 gallons of it.

 

5. The extra layers of clothing.

I already have more than my share of poundage, thank you very much. I don’t really relish adding bulky sweaters and coats and mufflers and circus tents, making me look like I should be floating in the sky with “Goodyear” on my side. Or having people start parking their cars next to me, thinking they finally found the Super Bowl.

And seriously, how is one supposed to drive a car when your arms are sticking straight out to the sides of your body and you can’t lower them? Use my tongue to steer the wheel? And have it snap off because it’s so brittle, leaving me speechless and immobile at the intersection whilst other people honk at me and yearn for my demise? This is not one of the dreams that I scribbled in my prepubescent diary, back when I still had hope for a bright future.

 

6. Waiting decades for your car to heat up.

Why even bother to turn the heater on? You won’t even feel the first feeble bits of warmth trickling out of the vents until you’ve already been at work for two hours. And the snooty people with the remote-start cars, drinking hot cocoa in the comfort of your house until it’s time to slip into the sauna of your deluxe vehicle, wearing flip-flops and shorts? There’s a special place in the satanic underworld for your kind. Luckily, you’re already used to constant heat so you’ll do just fine.

(Special shout-out to whatever god decided it was an acceptable thing for ice to adhere to the windows of motor vehicles, ice that cannot be easily removed even if a chainsaw is involved: I no longer believe in your benevolence and you should unfriend me on all forms of social media.)

 

7. The complete morons on the icy roads.

Dear Stupid Fools That Don’t Understand That There Must Be Speed Adjustments When the Ground Is White: You know you’re going to end up in the ditch. We’re all aware of this. So why don’t you just go ahead and pile into the ditch in front of your house, so you can wait comfortably inside your dwelling for the tow truck, and the rest of us can have a decent chance of getting to work on time. Thanks.

 

8. The Flu That Will Not Die.

You can use all the hand sanitizer you want, but if you work in a building with other people, like most of us do, you are going to get sick. Repeatedly. Because you’re in a soup of germs. You’re going to keep passing the same crud back and forth until you just want to claw your face. So just brace yourself for it. Go to Sam’s, buy the bulk crates of TheraFlu and tissue, and prepare for the skin on your nose to be in shreds for the next 3 months.

 

9. The piercing, mind-searing, soul-shattering wind.

It never stops. Ever. This is why some people start talking to themselves, commit odd crimes, and then spend the rest of their lives under heavy sedation. Or as the CEO of a major corporation. Same profile, different tax bracket.

 

10. The pale, pasty skin and the frizzy, uncontrollable, static-electricity hair.

What’s this? You think you just spotted the Abominable Snowman in your bathroom? Honey, put down the phone and quit trying to call Oprah for guidance. That’s you. Yes, it is. Seriously. Raise your right hand. See how the Yeti in the mirror just did the same thing? This is the image that you are presenting to the world. Now, now, don’t cry. It’ll be okay. Fix yourself a nice hot toddy and then we’ll talk about it once my car warms up in a few days and I can come console you. Just don’t touch anything metal or the electrical backlash will whack you unconscious for two hours. And your tongue will snap off…

 

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 01/15/11 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 03/02/14 and 06/19/16. Slight modifications made.

 

Cleo the Cat: “Why is my water bowl empty?”

 

42 replies »

  1. Your blog is where I get to laugh at another’s discomfort. It shouldn’t feel good, but it does. 😉 I hope spring arrives quickly and removes some of your discomfort (not all of it or I might have to read someone else’s blog…)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hahaha! 😁 Oh Brian, a totally marvellous description, but that’s not winter! Where are the sand trucks, snowplows, whiteout blizzards, frozen eyelashes, frostbite, winter tires, snow shovels and plug-ins? Come to Yellowknife and experience the real thing, where the snowflakes hit the road with a thud. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I was laughing my eyes out! #3…interesting. At night, I have always turned the heat off…even if it’s colder than a well-diggers yes ma’am outside. PLUS, I have a fan blowing in my face year round. True, when I get up in the morning, my nips (like yours) are up and I have to crack the ice in the toilet before I pee. (Just kidding about that one.) 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • There was a time in my younger days when I would actually look forward to crisp nights when I could look forward to burrowing under three layers of blankets, content and cozy. But that was back when I actually had decent blood flow and not this current “molasses” situation. I have to have external heat now, and therefore I bake, sweating away until a timer dings and somebody pulls me out of the oven…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Girl (and I use that term as a form of endearment, I really do) , you got NUTHIN on the females with hi-beams. Now that HURTS, much like the shrinkage factor to the twig and berries. Hubby used to say his berries got dehydrated, because they’d shrink down to the size of seeds and I’m of the opinion that the hi-beams on women and the seed berries on men are about the same level of pain and embarrassment. At least the seeds don’t SHOW themselves to everyone, leading to vague rumors about the sluttiness of the sufferer.

    #3 has to do with AGE as well you know. Well maybe you don’t (yet), you being young in terms of ‘old’, if that makes any sense? I look the big ’60’ in the face next year (one year to embrace my lost youthfulness..alas dewy skin, I knew you well) and I suspect at that juncture I’ll just dry up and blow away, reduced to dust because every ounce of moisture went somewhere else.

    Lynette d’Arty-Cross said the rest well enough, so I don’t need to add my dollar’s worth suffice it to say that I’d trade you ‘winters’ any ol’ time. Sadly the frozen people are starting to show up…one was found, huddled near a church door at the weekend. I’m not sure why they stay in places where the temperature drops to -10 and anyone sensible has flown the icy steppes in favor of warmer, more humid climes.

    I think it would be kind of those gods of weather if they created a place for ‘old’ folk (see, I still don’t think YOU qualify (yet) ) where the temp stays around 75 or 78, the wind chill factor doesn’t cause Ginzu knives to spring out of one’s chest, and the berries remain firm, round and fully packed. But, given the immense number of ‘old’ people in America just now (yay baby boom. yeah. someone wasn’t thinking clearly) would probably make it impossible for everyone to go to such a magical area. Unless they were overly wealthy.

    And that pretty much sums up the state of things in reality.

    Wrap up warm Brian, and give kitteh some warm milk. She probably will appreciate it greatly.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The did create a place for old folks where the temp stays around 75 – 78 (at least in the Winter). It’s called Arizona or Nevada for folks in the West, and Florida or North Carolina for folks in the East.

      I’m sorry to hear about the person found dead at the church. I just wish the churches were truly sanctuaries which were open all the time. We have one in SF that caters to the homeless in 8 hours shifts day and night, giving them a blanket and a place on a pew to sleep. While they will roust you and move you along after 8 hours, at least that’s a somewhat humane option for those folks too mentally challenged to be able to move along to someplace warmer and take care of themselves better.

      Liked by 2 people

      • The church in question is in a formerly squalid area which is gradually gentrifying. The ghosts of the gang bangers, drug dealers and addicts and stupid people with little imagination who think going into a church and vandalizing it are no big thang. So everyone has learned (in that area) to lock their doors and question anyone knocking after it gets dark. And so tragedy happens. I’m wondering if that particular church will now leave a door unlocked for those like that poor soul who died. There is a pastor who lives on site if my perception is correct. He could get his flock to do compassionate service by monitoring who is in the building and such (IMHO). It raises the question, to me anyhow, why someone always has to die before something is done about a bad situation? I’ve been to Arizona (too hot by half or too expensive where it isn’t too hot by half), and Nevada where it’s so boring, I might drop dead from the sheer dullness of being; given that I don’t gamble and my being an object of romping are in the rear view. What would one DO there? And I thought Southern Utah was pretty grim vis a vis landscape. Then I went to Nevada. But you do raise a valid point about the temperature. I think Oregon or Washington State would be better choices personally. If it weren’t for the cost of living up there. Their temperate climate isn’t a secret..

        Liked by 1 person

    • Melanie: You can call me “Girl” all you want. I’m not afraid of my feminine side and, besides, all the guys are gals in the Rainbow World. (Well, at least those with a sense of humor.)

      You do have a valid point in that the berry-shrinkage is nowhere near as noticeable as the hi-beam blossoms. Unless one is attempting to lustily entertain a gentleman caller, and a certain absence does not make one’s heart grow fonder. (“I swear I had some just minutes ago. Swear!”)

      Now, this age thing: I’m mere seconds behind you in the chronology of things. (Okay, five years behind, but years become seconds when we get to this point.) Granted, you have your specialized malfunctions as do I, so our paths veer slightly, but basically we are disintegrating at a comparable rate. Sometimes I’m just happy to remember my name.

      As for kitteh, interestingly enough, Cleo is not a fan of milk, warm or cold. But she is greatly enamored by ice cream. Go figure.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The beasties can puzzle us by their love of things not generally thought of as “cat or dog” food. Huny loves watermelon and bananas, she’ll eat lettuce (if something meaty is attached), she’s eaten peas and tuna fish (she loves tuna actually), she loves milk, but is mainly frustrated as her human is lactose intolerant. And she LOVES ice cream (again lactose is frustrating her as I rarely indulge). So Cleo the Clever isn’t so odd. Give her a discreet hug (especially if she, as Huny, isn’t a big fan of being squoozen. ) 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Brian: As a refugee from the cold weather of Massachusetts, I can assure you that a colored moisturizer will help with the pasty skin; just don’t pick an orange shade like 45.

    As for the ‘fro issues from static electricity… I may have left MA, but I didn’t leave my Static Guard behind. Spray that on your hair brush and it works wonders to tame the statics that love bugging you in the Winter.

    No other suggestions, other than to hibernate as much as possible as this weather, too, shall pass.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I will happily take your gracious words of advisory wisdom and try to improve my life in some way. I am especially intrigued by the Static Guard, as I’ve grown weary of starting flash fires just by turning on the coffee maker.

      Luckily, in this part of Texas, the winters generally only last about three weeks. So if I can just buck it up until Groundhog Day, I should be good… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Now’s about the time I’m supposed to ring in with a “Oh, please, you call that cold? Honey, that’s picnic weather around here!” — but I’m not gonna say that and you know why? Because I don’t like being predictable. So nope, not gonna say it. Not once.
    What I will say refers to #9, the wind. We are blissfully protected from it where we are — trust me, I checked ahead of time. There was no way I was going to move to a windy locale. My sanity would not hold up. So my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, I’m the first to say that you are not predictable with your responses. There have been many times when I thought “I know exactly what her reaction is going to be” and then, bam, you go in the other direction. This is not a complaint. This is an expression of my admiration for your free spirit, a spirit that may or may not be the result of intense sunlight in the wonderland of Phoenix. On the flip side, I can say that my own free spirit has been hampered by the winds of Texas, which NEVER END, regardless of temperature, which should explain some of the cryptic comments I have made over the years, such as this one…

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    • Oh, never fear of unleashing chastisement upon me. (I apparently have a slight masochistic side, based on the crap-fest relationships I have endured in the past.) But I am keeping warm. I am transitioning from my younger days when the cold barely registered to my current state where I increasingly rue the cold and dream of relocating to tropical climes. Ergo, the thermostat keeps getting kicked up a notch higher than it really needs to be…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Google = breast petals nipple covers (Your shirts will thank you). I can’t really help you with the nether regions since I don’t have the same equipment down there. My lady bits are always warm and toasty. I close the vents in the room I sleep in, it prevents parboiling. The cotton mouth and dry skin things may be dehydration related. Especially with gas heat in the house, you have to drink lots of water in the winter. Thin layers are less bulky and seem warmer to me than the thicker stuff. “Thinsulate” clothing is my go to when it’s frigid out. We can only hope that the morons accidentally grab the coffee that the flu-spreaders just coughed in, right? Maybe they’ll stay home a few days after that? Too bad we can’t capture that wind and use it against our enemies. Maybe direct it at the moronic drivers? Also, the abominable snow-monster was kinda cute, definitely a style all his own.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are certainly full of advice! (I’m full of it as well, but of something else entirely.) The breast petals are fascinating, in a purely clinical manner, of course. Women always have much more interesting accessories than men. (Then again, most men are only interested in the one natural accessory that they have, paying little attention to anything else.) I have actually looked at “Thinsulate” clothing a time or two, but considering that winter in Texas generally only last for 7 hours a year, it’s really not cost-effective to add such to my wardrobe. And yes, the Abominable Snowman was really cute, at least in the stop-motion cartoons of years gone by, so I really shouldn’t have sullied his reputation… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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