Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #562

Edwina: “Are you sure that we’re doing this right?”

Bud: “Of course. I read all about it on the Internet. This is how you have safe sex.”

Edwina: “But something seems a bit off. This is nothing like what happened in all those young adult novels I read in junior high, where the lonely shy girl suddenly blossomed when the captain of the lacrosse team asked her to the prom. This doesn’t feel like blossoming at all. This feels like asphyxiation.”

Bud: “Oh. Here, let me try this.”

Edwina: “What are you doing? Is that your tongue?”

Bud: “Yes. This is called French kissing. I downloaded a video and practiced on my Princess Leia action figure.”

Edwina: “You might need to practice some more. Your tongue tastes like that crinkly paper in the exam room at the doctor’s office. That’s not something that’s going to help me blossom. Or want to go to the doctor, ever again.”

Bud: “Why are you making this complicated?”

Edwina: “Me? You’re the one who has apparently watched Marcus Welby way too many times.”

Bud: “But darling, nobody under the age of 50 is going to get that arcane TV reference.”

Edwina: “Well, that’s just one of the side effects of having our wretched story appear on an insane little blog in the back alleys of the digital universe. But still, it doesn’t negate the fact that you kiss like a rhinoceros with intestinal blockage. I think we’re done here.”

Bud: “But I paid for dinner!”

Edwina: “And that’s all you paid for.”

Bud: “If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me.”

Edwina: “You’re going there after whining about arcane references?”

Bud: “Sorry. I got caught up in the twisted spirit of Crusty Pie. How can we end this story with any degree of worthiness?”

Edwina: “We find out in the next installment, one that will never happen because the writer has focus issues, that you have some secrets and the surgical masks are really a cry for help.”

Bud: “But that would call into question my sexual prowess with the ladies.”

Edwina: “I think we already got there with your first line of dialogue. But that’s okay, things just didn’t work out and we move on. That’s life.”

Bud: “I feel so ashamed.”

Edwina: “About what? The Princess Leia action figure?”

Bud: “No, the fact that I’m… you know.”

Edwina: “Gay? Oh, honey, nobody with any ounce of decency cares if you’re gay. It’s only the wretched people who are unhappy in their own lives who try to stop others from being happy. Now, let’s go have a drink on Christopher Street and see if we can find a man to help you get rid of that mask.”


Photo suggested by Christopher Lindsay.

Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 02/06/18. Some changes made.

Obscure trivia note:  In 1974, a homophobic episode of “Marcus Welby” resulted in 7 sponsors of the show refusing to buy advertising time and 17 affiliates refusing to air the episode. It was a tiny drop in the bucket overall, but it is one of the first examples of network affiliates responding to public protest in the interests of equality. And now you know…


16 replies »

  1. Edwina: Who ARE you, mysterious man behind the mask? Whose tongue thrusts and parlays are juvenile and leave me cold and frigid?
    Marcus Welby – the clone years: I’m Bud. You know. We met beneath the buffet table at the Reunion of Dead and possibly Dried Up Series that only aired on American Television.
    Edwina: Oh. Well..I’m at a loss for words. Glad I have my handy mask of repellence available. Nobody can see my shame, nor my rather oversized tongue.
    Marcus: Well honey, your secret has escaped it’s papery prison and mostly the whole world knows your shame/name. Because we’re at that place where EVERYBODY knows your name.
    Edwina: Oh my gawd. Another oblique reference to a long ‘it’s so over’ series on American TV.
    Marcus: We Americans have little else to entertain us. And. There’s a day coming (right soon) where even that pastime will become, well, passe. Because a pseudo-‘golden’ idol in his own mind, who has incredibly bad hair and smells of frustration will hog the airwaves, assuring everyone he’s the very model of a very stable genius. Those of us ‘in the know’ realize it’s merely envy of the penial sort.
    Edwina: Did you say “penial?” Is that even a word?
    Marcus: It is now. Cheeto the Gasbag has made it so. Without Picard even giving a nod in that direction.
    Edwina: Yeah, yeah. Another faded TV show reference. I’m outta here. Besides the original writer is indicating that this response has gone on long enough, and it’s time for a commercial break…

    Sorry Brian. I seem to be hijacking your illustrious posts and twisting them into my own version of a pleasing shape. My bad. And back to YOU!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, you should never be apologetic about your antics here at Bonnywood. They are always warmly received and feted quite nicely, especially when your glorious efforts shine even brighter than my own piddling. You took things in your own direction, with admittedly more success, and I am quietly making a note on my posting spreadsheet that I shouldn’t mess with this one anymore, as I am not worthy… 😉


    • I’m not really sure, as this photo was provided by another blogger. I attempted a bit of investigation using Google’s photo search options, but I kept landing on sites that are WAY more explicit than this photo would suggest, so we might have to leave this one as a mystery never explained…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. No kidding? Marcus Welby had a show with homophobia? Amazing.
    Off topic sort of: I saw an old episode of The Bob Newhart Show and caught something that I’m sure I missed the first twenty or so times I saw it. It’s the one where Carol the receptionist is going to get a tattoo taken off. But she has a hard time telling Bob about it and says “I did this stupid thing and now I have to get it taken care of…” And Bob says something like, “Carol, we’ll support you with whatever you decide to do,” and she says, “Oh no, I’m not pregnant!”
    Holy cow, they were talking about abortion! And that would have been early 70s I think. Wow!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep, somebody on the production team at “Marcus Welby, MD” thought it was okay to be homophobic. Sign of the times?

      On a lighter note, your lovely “Bob Newhart” snippet reminds me of another, albeit one that had little to do with the original run of the series. Back in the day, roughly the late 80s/early 90s, there was a local Dallas radio station that I greatly enjoyed; I had it on all the time. One day, I tuned in to hear what I soon realized was the dialogue from an episode of “Bob Newhart”. This went on for a few days, with the constant airing of the audio tracks from episode after episode, nothing else. It was fun, but what the hell?

      We didn’t have the Internet then, natch, so there was no way to immediately research what was going on. Eventually we learned that the station had been purchased by new owners, and the “Bob” bit was their way of letting us know the format would be changing in a quirky way. And, indeed, that was the case. The new playlist, once music resumed, was very eclectic and featured a lot of indie artists that normally wouldn’t get airplay. Loved it with a capital “L”. Sadly, things barely lasted a year before a new conglomerate took over and we had your generic Top 40 boredom…

      Liked by 1 person

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