Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #259

10 Odd Things about This Photo

1. The birthday-cake hat. You can’t miss it, might as well get it out of the way. What the hell is she going to do when some drunk fool tries to take a Zippo to those candles? (“Come on, baby, let me light your fire.”)

2. The strange hair curl that looks like she has a pasty stuck on her forehead. Does Mommy have a second job at night? Is she not any good at it? (Resident of Cornwall, UK: “What is this pasty you speak of? Are you saying she has a meat pie on her forehead? I don’t see a meat pie.” Me: “No, I’m talking about the stripper thing where they hide their nips.” Resident: “I don’t get it.” Me: “That’s why you live in Cornwall.”)

3. The manic glee in her eyes as she views her reflection. Girl, you ain’t that cute. (“And so it was that Narcissus was unable to look away from the reflecting pool, and his fate was sealed…”)

4. The hand mirror that she apparently stole from the crypt of an English queen that died in 1392. (Curator at Nottingham Castle: “Hold on, something seems amiss in the privy chamber.”)

5. The Goth fingernail polish. She probably listens to Perry Como backwards. (Perry: “Okay, fine. I owe my career to Satan. There are worse things I could do.” Pink Lady Rizzo in Grease: “I hear ya, girl.”)

6. The serial-killer wallpaper. Who could possibly stare at that mess all day without having severe social issues? (Jack the Ripper: “None of this would have happened if me mum had a better sense of style.”)

7. The vulgarity of the ornament on the bed post. (Doctor, slipping on a latex glove: “Okay, if you’ll just bend over the examining table. Right, like that. Now, you might feel a slight burning sensation…”)

8. The weird watermark you can see in the curtains and the headboard, if you zoom in, which is probably a cryptic code meant to activate sleeper cells of Stepford Wives. Next thing you know, Theresa May will knock on your door and tell you lies about Brexit. (Theresa: “Despite the fake news reported by the fake media, Brexit is not about racism.” Home Owner: “Is that a pasty on your forehead?”)

9. The creepy, death-stork aspect of the dispensers in the lower right. If you wake up in the middle of the night and those things appear to have moved closer to the bed, you better run. (“They’re coming to get you, Barbara.” Barbara: “Who the hell are you and why are you waving that Zippo?”)

10. The fact that this picture was even taken in the first place. And then somebody saved it because they actually wanted to look at it again.


Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 06/23/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 05/01/16. Considerably modified, because that’s what I do (all of the parenthetical mess is new).


Jack the Ripper: “No, really, the wallpaper made me do it.”

Brian: “I hear ya, girl.”


28 replies »

  1. You crack me up, B.
    #2..omg. hilarious. I was thinking a pasty??? How does B know what a pasty is? Does he mean pastry?! Then I read the rest of the paragraph.
    Laughing so much

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Okay I’m creeped and freaked out because I did NOT push “post comment” on that I feel pretty thing…I was trying to get the keyboard to produce the only emotis I can make ♫♪♫♪♫ (now they work! Damn you Murphy, damn your eyes)..okay starting afresh ♪♫♪ I feel pretty, oh so pretty ♪♫♪♫ is being hummed as Darwina gazes raptly into the mirror. Her own reflection is so fascinating (nod to narcissist comment by our host B)…and that little white pill/square she was given at the rally really was sending her on a trip! She didnt’ even have to leave her bedroom…the creepy aspects like if her dispensers of all things oily and moisturizing turning into death storks was becoming a real possibility, but she was so rapt (hahahha) up in her visage gazing that she didn’t notice them creeping closer and closer…the cake? Merely because after a trip like that a girl might get the wicked munchies, although that’s never been proven. Just like her possible inhaling of the smoke of substances most earthly and green….

    Liked by 1 person

    • As you well know, I am not impressed with the way technology refuses to submit to my will. I see all these lovely and witty emojis that other folks easily slip into their comments, yet I am unable to do so with any degree of success. Why is this happening to me? What have I done in my past life that would lead to such failures? (Okay, maybe we shouldn’t dwell on such, because my list of past indiscretions could easily outweigh the Dallas phonebook, if they still produce such a thing.) In summation, I think you hit the nail with “earthly and green”, as there doesn’t seem to be any other feasible explanation… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Something I suspect is that those with the wicked emoji skills are merely using their cell phone to write. Adding amazing emotis via that route is simple, and why it doesn’t translate to dinosaurs like myself who insist on using a real keyboard and a desktop computer is beyond me. I do know that the trade off is so not worth it…I can’t SEE the $#!@ “keyboard” on my phone, let alone type with it (well in a pinch one can do anything I suppose. Just like our girl there and her extremely brief acting career…)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Now then… while I am sort of pleased to see a mention of Cornwall, UK on your prestigious organ, I am less than pleased that yet again there is some sort of Atlantic crossing confusion on which organs a pasty is for. Yours, Cornwall, UK.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, I knew that there would be some Cornwellians (Is that the proper term? Probably not.) who would not fully appreciate my dubious reference. But really, I’m much more invested in this talk about my prestigious organ. What have you heard on the streets about such? I might need to update my profile on LinkedIn… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • For future reference, it’s ‘Cornish’. Cornwellians probably sounds too much like Cromwellian, which Cornwall wasn’t in the English Civil War 1642-1645.
        I have no further input for your prestigious organ so as for your profile, well, you’ll just have to fiddle with it yourself as you see fit.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. First of all, to explain myself, I never stopped following you except for the one half of a second just then when I panicked as I hit the unfollow button because the spaces between everything on thes fake buttons are so god damned small! Anyhow, whew.

    And I missed you 😔lol

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my, Brian. Such a funny post. 😀

    That piece of head gear is the polar opposite of a ball cap I saw once that had a dollop of fake poo on the brim with the words “shit head” written above it. Someone was actually wearing this. Outside.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My comment will likely be brief because my fingers are tired scrolling up and down to re-check the photo, but I’m not complaining, for now I think I’ve solved the murder of Lord Veetzy, the owner of a huge curtain and bed frame conglomerate. He died under mysterious circumstances on his last birthday, where he was found stabbed by what appeared to be a pointy metal object. I already contacted the authorities. You should be hearing from them directly. Over and out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I just got off the phone with them. They’ve invited me to the station for some “inquisitive bonding”. They also asked me to bring along any correspondence that may prove important, so I’m bringing this one…

      Liked by 1 person

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