10 Odd Things about This Photo
1. The birthday-cake hat. You can’t miss it, might as well get it out of the way. What the hell is she going to do when some drunk fool tries to take a Zippo to those candles? (“Come on, baby, let me light your fire.”)
2. The strange hair curl that looks like she has a pasty stuck on her forehead. Does Mommy have a second job at night? Is she not any good at it? (Resident of Cornwall, UK: “What is this pasty you speak of? Are you saying she has a meat pie on her forehead? I don’t see a meat pie.” Me: “No, I’m talking about the stripper thing where they hide their nips.” Resident: “I don’t get it.” Me: “That’s why you live in Cornwall.”)
3. The manic glee in her eyes as she views her reflection. Girl, you ain’t that cute. (“And so it was that Narcissus was unable to look away from the reflecting pool, and his fate was sealed…”)
4. The hand mirror that she apparently stole from the crypt of an English queen that died in 1392. (Curator at Nottingham Castle: “Hold on, something seems amiss in the privy chamber.”)
5. The Goth fingernail polish. She probably listens to Perry Como backwards. (Perry: “Okay, fine. I owe my career to Satan. There are worse things I could do.” Pink Lady Rizzo in Grease: “I hear ya, girl.”)
6. The serial-killer wallpaper. Who could possibly stare at that mess all day without having severe social issues? (Jack the Ripper: “None of this would have happened if me mum had a better sense of style.”)
7. The vulgarity of the ornament on the bed post. (Doctor, slipping on a latex glove: “Okay, if you’ll just bend over the examining table. Right, like that. Now, you might feel a slight burning sensation…”)
8. The weird watermark you can see in the curtains and the headboard, if you zoom in, which is probably a cryptic code meant to activate sleeper cells of Stepford Wives. Next thing you know, Theresa May will knock on your door and tell you lies about Brexit. (Theresa: “Despite the fake news reported by the fake media, Brexit is not about racism.” Home Owner: “Is that a pasty on your forehead?”)
9. The creepy, death-stork aspect of the dispensers in the lower right. If you wake up in the middle of the night and those things appear to have moved closer to the bed, you better run. (“They’re coming to get you, Barbara.” Barbara: “Who the hell are you and why are you waving that Zippo?”)
10. The fact that this picture was even taken in the first place. And then somebody saved it because they actually wanted to look at it again.
Originally posted in “Crusty Pie” on 06/23/15 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 05/01/16. Considerably modified, because that’s what I do (all of the parenthetical mess is new).
Jack the Ripper: “No, really, the wallpaper made me do it.”
Brian: “I hear ya, girl.”
Categories: Past Imperfect