Within minutes of the start of the advertising shoot, it became crystal clear that something was terribly awry. Let’s listen in as the models attempt to psychologically survive the madness of the wrong people making the wrong decisions at all the wrong times…
Poutina, left: “We are never going to be hired again for the rest of our time on Earth.”
Grutchen, right: “Girl, you need to settle down. It’s not that bad. Just act like it’s the first time you ever had sex. You didn’t know what you were doing, he sure as hell didn’t know what he was doing, and you both got a rash. But life goes on and eventually you find someone who wasn’t raised in a barn.”
Poutina: “But I’ve never had sex. I’m from Oklahoma.”
Grutchen: “Oh. Well, that does change things a bit. My condolences. Still, you can get through this by always believing in yourself and always making sure you have a condom in the nightstand drawer.”
Poutina: “Condom? Is that what you do to old buildings that need to be torn down?”
Grutchen, suddenly in need of vodka: “Oh, honey. You had a long way to fall from that turnip truck. Let me try it from another angle. We are here to sell a product. That’s all we need to do. Just smile and act like you’ve just had sex with… like you’ve just heard an inspiring sermon from Preacher Lillywhite at the First Baptist Church of Clodhopper, Oklahoma and you’re so ready to put something in the offering plate that you’re practically vibrating.”
Poutina: “Oh! I’ve actually been to that church in Clodhopper and I vibrated. Maybe I can do this. But exactly what are we trying to sell?”
Grutchen: “I have no idea. Something about beer steins for people who like tennis. I really don’t know. But the point is that we have to put some sexy sizzle into the mix. Or, in your case, you should vaguely try to remember that you have a vagina.”
Poutina: “Vagina? I’ve never travelled that far. But my momma’s family comes from West Vagina.”
Grutchen: “And I had such high hopes for you for roughly two seconds. I tried my best to be supportive and all, but there’s only so much you can expect any decent human being to endure. I think we might have to unfriend each other on Facebook at this point.”
Poutina: “Don’t give up on me yet! You’ve taught me so much about condoms and vaginas and offering my plate to preachers that I feel it’s only fair that I give you some advice as well.”
Grutchen: “Oh? Clodhopper has some corn-fed wisdom that I haven’t already heard?”
Poutina: “Yes. Did it ever occur to you that you should wear a bra in public?”
Grutchen: “No.”
Photographer: “Okay, ladies. Smile for the camera!”
Click.
Originally published in “Crusty Pie” on 04/06/17. Some changes made.
Poutina: “While the photographer is reloading his camera with more gunpowder so he can take the next picture, could I ask you another question?”
Grutchen: “I don’t think I can go on living unless you do so.”
Poutina: “Have you ever had Lebanese sex?”
Grutchen: “Probably. My passport is full of stamps, if you get my drift. But what do you mean by Lebanese sex? Because it’s clear that we went to different schools.”
Poutina: “You know. Two women.”
Grutchen: “Oh, that. Sure. I’ve been to Greece a time or three. But why do you ask?”
Poutina: “Because Preacher Lillywhite was a woman. And that’s why I was vibrating.”
Photographer: “Okay, ladies. Smile for the camera!”
Click.
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
So much with this post is right. So much is wrong too. Hilarious.
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You know me so well…
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Very wicked!😱
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I do have a little bit of naughty in me… 😉
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Just a little bit?
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“Vagina? I’ve never travelled that far. But my momma’s family comes from West Vagina.” You are so wonderfully twisted, and you’re right. That woman needs support. Thanks for the wake-up LOL.
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As usual, I’m just trying to capture all the flavors in the smorgasbord of life. Of course, with the government shutdown, the FDA hasn’t inspected that smorgasbord in a bit, so you might want to steer clear for now…
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Clearly, being male and all, you don’t understand what’s behind letting the girls go commando if one is preparing to swim. However I will give you points for that bra faux pas (hee hee hee) given that Grutchen does need the upper body support or she’s gonna be steppin’ on them things when she’s a bit older. And it’s a photo shoot where the models are supposed to convey (aside from whatever they are hawking) body habitus that are unrealistic and make young girls wonder why they too can’t look that good. Ever. Never realizing that it’s all smoke and mirrors and NOBODY ever looks that good without air brushing. And substantial foundation garments. Now as to those trophy/beer stein wanna bes? Clearly Poutina did something better than Grouchette there because her cup (both upstairs and the one in her hand) are larger. And Poutina has better hair. Still. I am thankful to be born after those sorts of bathing suits were the fashion. Still I wish they’d find a middle ground. I went shopping for swimwear last year and couldn’t find anything that was appropriate for my age. Thongs on grandma (whose age I am) are just wrong in any photo, country or state of being.
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You’re right, I can’t fully appreciate the “commando option” when it comes to breasts, although, as I age, I am gaining a better understanding. My once finely-chiseled pectorals (at least in my own mind, don’t judge) now resemble something that one would flop in a bread pan and shove in the oven. Which leads me to the bathing suit options. In my chiseled days, I thought nothing of running about the rural countryside in a Speedo, a wisp of material that didn’t/doesn’t cover squat. Now, I’m all about the board shorts with the reinforced drawstring I can use to somehow wrench my gut into place. It’s a risky venture, this wrenching, as one false move on my part and the structural integrity collapses, sending young children screaming for their lives…
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Ah! Man-osoms…or man-reasts or aw. You get it. And I’m sure yours are still in the formative stage, given that you are vast eons away from being ‘old’ and having true man breasts. Maybe a tasteful man-zier is appropriate?
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West Vagina! Love this post. The women in the photo do indeed look confused.
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And then there’s the umbrella. I wanted so badly to work it into the conversation, but nothing seemed to click. Just like Poutina…
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Is Lebanese sex really two women or did you make that up? 😳
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I sort of made it up, just to poke fun at Poutina not fully understanding words. To be fair, there was a similar joke back in the day on “The Golden Girls”, and I just recycled it a bit…
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That’s hilarious! I never watched the Golden Girls, although I do love me some Betty White.
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And the Finnish women who have to deal with all that Russian? (Bad. I know. Very bad. I just can’t help it. 😉 )
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Very sly. Besides, it’s good to be bad every once in a while… 😉
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What kind of rash was it? Asking for a friend.
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You (I mean your friend) can rest assured that if the rash had any lasting significance, I would have provided a link to WebMD. Relax…
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My, ‘friend’ will be very relieved.
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