Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #446

Ernie: “Well, would you look at that. Those fancy Hollywood reporters are following us into the woods cuz they think we’re somethin’ special.”

Addie Mae: “Sugar, they ain’t reporters. Them are dentists lookin’ for some revenue cuz Obamacare says they got to do some actual work if they want to get paid.”

Ernie: “I don’t understand what you’re sayin’, Addie Mae. Why they think there’s some work around here?”

Addie Mae: “Sugar, I love ya to death. But you gotta gap that could rip a horseshoe off a stallion.”

Ernie: “That ain’t fair, you makin’ fun a my gap. A lotta famous people have gaps. Like that one singer, what’s her face, she only got one word in her name.”

Addie Mae: “You mean Cher? That trashy one so proud a her belly button and whips her hair around like a combine that got too much oil in her engine?”

Ernie: “No, the other trashy one. Named after that woman they talk about over to the Baptist Church, the Baby Momma of Jesus or somethin’ like that.”

Addie Mae: “You talkin’ ‘bout Madonna?”

Ernie: “That’s it. She gotta a gap.”

Addie Mae: “She gotta gap, alright. It was right there in the centerfold of that nasty ‘Sex’ book she shoved in our faces in the 90s. Don’t nobody wanna look at her cooter.”

Ernie: “Well, Clinton was president back then. You know he wanted to look. Maybe she wanted to sing at the White House, can’t blame her for puttin’ the good stuff in the front window. And I wanted to look, too, and I did, even if I told you I didn’t.”

Addie Mae: “Why, Ernie Tennessee Ford, you got some gall. I’ve a right mind to put you out this car and make you walk back to Cricker Holler.”

Ernie: “Girl, this is my car, long as it keeps runnin’. Anybody gonna be walkin’, it be you. I don’t care you got to the ninth grade and I didn’t. Sides, you ain’t all clean and pretty. You got your own lies. I know you been watchin’ those George Clooney movies late at night after I done passed out from the moonshine. I wake up sometimes and hear you tellin’ the TV you sure would like your crops to be rotated. I ain’t stupid. I’m just simple.”

Addie Mae: “Well, then, I guess we call that a draw. We both been sniffin’ at other chicken coops. Let’s wash our hands a that and get on to the next chore. You gonna get your gap fixed or not? The upper one, not the lower one. Jesus himself can’t do nothin’ about that lower one a yours. You eat beans and I gotta stay clear for a week. Can’t come near ya till the crows start flyin’ over your farm again.”

Ernie: “Why I gotta fix my gap? Don’t ya love me for who I be?”

Addie Mae: “I do love ya, Ernie. Most of the time. But that gap a yours gets in the way when we’re makin’ whoopee. It ain’t so much fun when my tongue gets caught in your bear trap of a mouth, especially after that last time when we had to call in your mama from the other room to help us out. She done used a pipe wrench on me, Ernie, and I think she messed somethin’ up with my tongue. I couldn’t taste pork rinds for over a week after she done that. I can’t live that kinda life.”

Ernie: “So how do we fix this? And I’m tellin’ ya right now Mama ain’t gonna give up that pipe wrench. They go way back.”

Addie Mae: “Holler at one of them Obama dentists over there and see what they can do.”

Ernie, hollerin’: “Hey, buddy. Can you do somethin’ about my gap so my woman will shut up and stop watchin’ George Clooney?”

Buddy: “That depends. Can you meet the deductible?”

Ernie: “Sure, I can meet him. Is he in the car with you?”

Addie Mae, whispering: “He ain’t talkin’ about a person, he’s talkin’ about your part of the bill.”

Ernie: “Why you gotta always show me up with your ninth-grade education?”

Addie Mae: “I don’t really have to try, it just happens. Stop fussin’ and ask him if you can make payments.”

Ernie, hollerin’: “You gotta payment plan?”

Buddy: “Sure. This is America. We got all kinds a ways to pay for things you don’t really need. Let me write up a estimate and I’ll be with ya right shortly.”

Addie Mae: “I’m so proud a you, Ernie! Let me give you a big ole smooch.”

Ernie: “Hang on, now. Sure you wanna risk the bear trap?”

Addie Mae: “Knowin’ it might be the last time? I’m on it.”

The ancient car squeaks as they jostle about in preparation for a quick bit a lovin’.

Buddy, hollerin’: “Okay, it looks like your part of the bill will be five hundred dollars. Give or take.”

Ernie shoves Addie Mae back to the other side of the car. “Five hundred dollars? That’s half a year a moonshine.”

Addie Mae: “But don’t ya love me?”

Ernie: “I surely do. But Mama’s pipe wrench is a hell a lot cheaper.”

Addie Mae, sighing: “Well, I ain’t got much choice in the matter, I guess. I suppose I could live without the taste of pork rinds. But I draw the line at the taste of fried green tomatoes. If that Mama wrench rips that out a me, you ain’t never gonna get a gander at my lower gap again.”

Ernie: “Darlin’, we got a deal.”

Buddy, hollerin’: “You talkin’ to me or the ninth-grader?”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” on 10/27/16. Considerably modified and extended from the original, which was only the first four lines. Sometimes I can’t leave well enough alone.


Bill Clinton: “I never had sex with that woman.”

Hillary Clinton: “How did you manage to miss one?”


21 replies »

  1. “She done used a pipe wrench on me, Ernie, and I think she messed somethin’ up with my tongue. I couldn’t taste pork rinds for over a week after she done that. I can’t live that kinda life.” I just can’t stop giggling over this line :O) x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And here I was thinking that ‘Buford the Bucky Gap Toothed” was Mortimer Snerd, made into a ‘real boy” or was it Howdy Doo Dee? Anyway that’s how quantities of chocolate milk (I had me a cravin’ and yeah I’ll pay for it here shortly) affect me and my eye sight. And isn’t that woman his mother? Or is that considered okay for date-able material in them thar parts?

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, I love chocolate milk, much more than one reasonably should.

      Second, Howdy Doody scared me, because there was just something not right about him.

      Third, yes, this is an approved dating situation in many southern states. Let us pray.

      Liked by 1 person

    • And each of the participants at said gap analysis received documents that were stamped with the Official Presidential Motto: “Deny and Obfuscate”. Oh, who am I kidding? None of the participants could even spell that third word…

      Liked by 1 person

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