10 Reasons Why

10 Things That Tea Partiers Apparently Didn’t Learn in Kindergarten

Note: I’m sharing this post once again as Trump prepares to give his “State of the Union” address later today. (The last time I shared it was the infamous day of his inauguration.) Since his speech is guaranteed to be full of lies and xenophobia and hate, I wanted to offer a counterpoint which better represents the true spirit of America that he will never understand. For those who are unfamiliar, the Tea Party is the extremist contingent which has taken over the Republican Party and pushed it so far right that they will eventually fall off the Flat Earth that they still believe in…


It seems that many future Tea Party starlets missed some critical days of training during their early schooling, probably because they were already so busy attending questionable church festivals and taking baby steps toward their eventual insanity. But in the interests of fairness and the slight possibility of redemption, let’s review some fundamental points that some people missed…

1. There was a reason for the safety scissors.

As with many potentially dangerous implements, it’s a good idea to start slowly with the learning curve. That’s why safety scissors had cute little round-end blades and the inability to actually cut much more than air. This was to keep first-timers from running around all hog wild, hacking away at everything they could get their hands on. Improperly-trained cutters will just grow up to slash everything in a budget that doesn’t directly fund something that will benefit their personal revenue stream. This is a bad thing.

 2. Sometimes you have to work together with other people.

This is why a good kindergarten program includes structured group activities such as everyone participating in the creation of a mural about happy bunnies or a colorful pageant celebrating Thanksgiving harvests and side-dishes. The program does not include activities that encourage the ignoring of other schoolmates’ concerns, or demanding that your own agenda be the only thing on the table or you’ll jack up the credit rating of an entire country. In fact, a good program would send this self-involved child to a quiet room where he can think about his actions while a stern letter is sent to his parents and constituents about what really happened.

3. Don’t eat the paste.

Granted, it can cause an intestinal disturbance, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since we’ve already noted in your progress report that your system needs some serious flushing out. But on the flip side, it can also cause you to have visions of Jesus instructing you to do idiotic things and then be obnoxious when confronted with the idiocy. (Side note to those with severe vision-based behavior: Contrary to the checks you get in the mail, Jesus is not two brothers with a four-letter-word for a last name.)

4. A package of construction paper has a rainbow of colors.

Just like people. And they all start out the same size.

5. Everyone gets juice and cookies during break.

The cookies don’t all go to just a few people, and no one controls the price of the juice so that their donors can make more money.

6. When your tummy hurts, you get to go see the nice nurse and she takes care of you. End of story.

Our nurse helps everyone. She doesn’t care if your clothes are a bit worn or if you’re not driving a high-end tricycle. She understands that some mommies and daddies, no matter how hard they work, are just not in a position to pay the outrageous medical fees charged by Evil Bastard Medical Conglomerates. (And the EBMCs control half of Congress, making the whole situation even more annoying.)

Our nurse has a colorful poster on her wall. Can you see it? It says “Universal Healthcare for Everyone”. It doesn’t say “Do everything you can to destroy the Affordable Care Act just because a black man succeeded in creating the program and you are so bitterly twisted about it that you are willing to let decent people suffer”.

7. If you take out the alphabet blocks on the bottom of the tower, the whole thing falls over.

This is a fundamental, irrefutable precept that is being ignored by some folks who want to decimate the productive classes of society and hand the leftovers to the rich. (The rich already have so many leftovers they are scrambling to find enough banks in the Cayman Islands to hide all that mess.) If there are no worker bees, eventually there’s no honey, and you end up being the King of Nothing but Air. This would mean that Dora the Explorer would have to read her own maps and find her own food without the assistance of lower-paid, over-caffeinated friends and jungle animals. Little Dora would die in the forest, clutching her empty designer backpack.

8. You have to say the entire Pledge of Allegiance.

Not just the parts you like. And not just the part about God that wasn’t even added until 1954 by right-wing extremists (surprise!) when they used the concept of Communists to scare the hell out of the population. (Instilling illogical and unfounded fear in their voting base is a fundamental bolt in the rickety Tea Party framework.) And you can’t cross your fingers behind your back when saying any of the parts.

9. You have to follow all the rules of Chutes and Ladders.

You can’t just do what you want and still expect to win. If you cheat, they make you quit. If you move somebody else’s token, they make you quit. If you show your genitalia on a communication device, it will eventually end up on the Internet, and they make you quit. Unless you’re a Republican, in which case you can keep playing and blame somebody else for something you did.

10, Don’t be a pushy bitch on the playground.

The American playground is not all about you, and you need to tone down the snippy attitude of “I got mine so now I’m going to make sure nobody else gets theirs”. You’ll get a second chance to go down the slide after everyone else has had their turn. Everyone. Not just the people who watch Fox News and eat the paste.



Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” and “Bonnywood Manor”, multiple times. Slight changes made for this edition.

Story behind the photo: Image was found on the Swedish Museokortti site, where there is an indication that the image is from the Ebenezer Foundation photo archives and was taken in 1950. However, the only Ebenezer Foundation that I could find on the net did not have a photo archive, at least not online, and I have been unable to confirm the proper accreditation for this photo. Still, those kids are cute as hell, right?)


Cleo the Cat: “But why do we have to watch this mess if we know he is going to lie?”

Daddy: “Because we have to acknowledge the lies in order to counter it with the truth.”

Cleo: “But why can’t people just elect a person who will do the right thing?”

Daddy: “That I will never understand.”

Cleo: “Can I have a tuna treat now?”

Daddy: “Of course. Universal tuna for all.”


20 replies »

  1. I’m continuous boggled by people who say they don’t like Trump but will back him because they believe in the Republican party ideology. So…does this mean if Satan should join the Reps they’d follow him also?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There is a great deal of humor here – but I’m not laughing. Instead, I’m doing a combination of sighing, crying, growling, and praying the universe will sort this all out. Soon. Because it’s scary that what you wrote two years ago is still so very true. Destroy, destroy, destroy,, and then call yourself a Christian. And a Genius.Way to go.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And I, being the rebel that I am, watched “The Birds” and wasn’t even aware that Orange Orangutan Boy had deigned to speak (again). I’d have pushed “mute” if that thing was the only program going too. A reason I have “Prime Viewing” and “Netflix”. To hide from the insanity. And although that action smacks of Tea Party tendencies, that refusing to watch things that make one want to vomit and never stop, plus being highly uninformed about Important Things…. I have you and Marilyn and Fandango and others to keep me in the loop with information I DO want to know about. Perceptions and opinions that in line with sensible thinking. Thanks to all y’all. Cleo? The Beluga is in that special bowl with the diamond and the “Cleo” written in indelible marker on the side. Because you stepped up into some big paw prints. Bless you girl. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • To be fair, I couldn’t watch The Orange Mess, either. I really meant to, but within seconds I couldn’t take it anymore. How is it that so many people are enthralled with that asshole? (Pardon my Spanish.) I, too, depend on the decent people to keep me informed, eschewing 85% of what is out there on the Internet and what’s left of the dependable broadcast signals, radio or television.

      Thank you for the shout-out to Cleo. She really has been blossoming lately, now that the admittedly terroristic threat of her older brother has faded. (They did not get along at all, something I glossed over, for the most part, in past tales I shared.) She now runs about the house with complete, joyous abandon, no longer fearing his intimidation. But there are still times when she pauses, looking about, and I know she misses him despite their misgivings…


  4. I know very little about American politics but, on the face of it, it does appear that Trump has improved the economy but I would expect that from a businessman. However, his rantings on Twitter and from what little I’ve seen of his speeches have led me to believe that the bloke is absolutely barking! He throws all his toys out of the pram when he doesn’t get his own way in a manner that would be shaming to a toddler, let alone a Statesman and he lies……blatantly.
    Much as I can applaud the diplomatic efforts with North Korea, I can’t help feeling that a meeting of ‘minds’ between 2 megalomaniacs with a God complex and an inbuilt dislike of anything ‘foreign’ may not be a good thing.
    All I can say is good luck and I hope you manage to vote him out next time round ;O) xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I don’t want to bore you with the details about the economy, so I’ll try to keep it short and bitter-sweet: Economic policy takes a while to play out, and Trump inherited the results of wise moves during the Obama administration. He had little to do with the economic success during his first year. Then he and his party managed to shove through a massive tax-cut for businesses at the end of 2017, a move that, on the surface, might appear beneficial, but it was a poorly-conceived initiative that has left the nation sorely lacking in funds. The conglomerates got a windfall, but the average American is now facing a desecration of social services that cannot easily be remedied. There’s no money in the national bank, essentially.

      Sorry, I guess that wasn’t so short. But still.

      As for the rest of your wise perceptions, you are completely spot on. He’s a delusional man surrounded by delusional sheep who are terrified of telling him the truth. Nero fiddles, Rome burns, that sort of thing.

      Let’s shove all that aside, shall we? I’m just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to the left, as it eventually will…


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