Note: I’m in a bit of rascally mood tonight, so some of this might seem a bit harsh, but it’s just where my mind is as thunderstorms once again make their belligerent way across north Texas…
1. The candle that burns out as soon as you light it.
These are the folks who make one post on their blog, manage to somehow accrue 5,000 followers in roughly two hours, and then they vanish into the night, never to be heard from again.
2. The candle that doesn’t smell anything like you thought it would smell.
I notice that someone new has started following my posts, so I courteously check out their blog, only to discover that there is absolutely no reason for them to come anywhere near my site in the first place. My blog is all about humor and tolerance and liberal values. Their blog contains 74 fact-less rants concerning conspiracy theories, complete misconceptions about Christian behavior, and an obvious desire to have Trump’s love child, if possible. There’s a complete disconnect here, and it’s not mine.
3. The candle that has one of those mashed-in wicks where you can’t light it at all.
This would be the blogs that don’t have a “like” option on the posts. I can’t show you any love if you won’t let me touch your button.
4. The candle that has too many wicks.
I completely understand that some folks are in the blogging game to make a bit of money off their work, totally get it. But if your blog is so busy with ads and product-placement links that I can’t even find the actual posts without some type of GPS device, I’m going to lose interest really quickly. And I’m probably not going to come back for another round of needle-in-a-haystack vertigo.
5. The candle with the plastic wrap that is hard to remove.
On a related note, if a “Join My Email List!” pop-up slaps me in the face before your page has even fully loaded, you’re setting off a personal trigger with me. I am not going to follow you right away because I can’t see what’s under the damn pop-up. I don’t know if I like you or not at this point. Give me a chance to kick the tires before you try to sell me the car.
6. The candles that smell like indulgence and self-love.
Here’s the thing: If you are truly the super-model that you think you are, with 46 astoundingly-similar images of you sporting a strategically-torn blouse whilst sprawled on an unidentified beach, then you wouldn’t be wasting your time on a blog. Your ass would be on a plane to Ibiza for a “Sports Illustrated” photo shoot or you would be marrying a rich Republican presidential candidate so he can sneak your parents into the country despite his Twitter tweets that foreigners are breaching our borders. (“Build that wall!”) Have you spoken with Melania Trump? I’m sure she has some words to share. Of course, she probably stole them from Michelle Obama…
7. The candle with a flame that rapidly sputters.
You did not read ten of my blog posts in one minute as the email notifications indicate. Who do you think you’re fooling? Other than the folks who watch “Fox News” with a shocking religious intensity that explains why alien sightings are so rare on our planet. Most of the universe wants nothing to do with vapid lemmings who don’t know truth from corporate-sponsored fiction.
8. The candle that isn’t really a candle.
If everything on your blog is a re-post from another blog, you’re not really a blogger. You’re Google, minus the algorithms. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for such, but where is your voice? I’d like to hear it. Unless you’re a lemming. Or a super-model. Or pro-Brexit. Or anti-decency. Or… well, let’s just say that I understand why the aliens did a fly-over instead of a landing.
9. The candle that immediately collapses into a pool of oil and paraffin.
Don’t fret if your words are not immediately heard. I have tons of posts in my long blogging history that never received a single “like” or page visit. It’s the nature of the game. Keep at it and be true to yourself, doing what you want to do and not what anyone else expects you to do. It’s hard and it’s often lonely, but the best way to find your voice is to keep talking.
10. The candle that burns bright and never goes out.
This would be the folks who repeatedly come back to Bonnywood, despite my rants and randomness, or perhaps in pursuit of those very things. I don’t really know. But what I do know is that an honest “like” and an honest comment help negate a validation void that has been with me since the tender years. For me, Bonnywood Manor has been the high-school prom all over again, only this time everybody gets asked to dance, nobody sits on the sidelines alone, and we are all bright young things who believe in the hope of the tinfoil stars on the gym ceiling.
Second Note: Bonus points if you recognized the song in the post title. Even more bonus points if you can guess my favorite ditty from that movie, which is not the one in the title. No pressure. It’s all good.
Categories: 10 Reasons Why