Humor

Present Tense – #15

Kate, center: “Say, either one of you twinkies know where I can find that Brian fella?”

Cary, left: “Haven’t you heard?”

Jimmy, right: “It’s really quite shocking.”

Kate: “Of course I haven’t heard, or I wouldn’t be wasting my time in this scene. And the only thing I find shocking is that only one of us will win an Academy Award for this movie and it won’t be me.”

Cary: “Well, the poor chap is a tad busy right now, you might say.”

Jimmy: “In a bit of a pickle.”

Kate: “Busy? What can he possibly be working on that is more important than answering my comments on his blog posts?”

Cary: “Is that what your fuss is all about?”

Jimmy: “Why would you get your knickers in a wad over that?”

Kate: “Because I’m Katharine Hepburn, that’s why. If I’m going to take the time to give a little encouragement to a nobody writer, especially a southern writer, then I expect a prompt response.”

Cary: “Well, he’s actually from Oklahoma, which isn’t really southern.”

Jimmy: “Oh, there’s some debate about that. I’m here to tell ya, you don’t want to be on the wrong side of that answer in the wrong bar.”

Kate: “Anything below the state of Connecticut is southern. Everyone knows that.”

Cary: “I don’t. You sure seem to be acting out of character. Are you channeling Bette Davis right now?”

Jimmy: “She sure seems to be full of somethin’.”

Cary: “Maybe you need to get the same procedure that Brian is getting.”

Kate: “Procedure? Is he moving to Connecticut so he can get more respect?”

Cary: “It’s really kind of personal, but if you must know-”

Kate: “I must.”

Cary: “-he’s about to get a colonoscopy.”

Kate: “You mean…”

Cary: “Yes, up your bum.”

Jimmy: “Don’t nobody want any trespassin’ in the back forty.”

Kate: “Well, that is unfortunate, but I still don’t see why he can’t attend to his duties in a timely manner.”

Cary: “Have you ever had a colonoscopy?”

Jimmy: “And not just play one in the movies.”

Kate: “Of course I haven’t. We New England gals don’t let anybody do anything to us that we don’t want done.”

Jimmy: “He’s not doing it for fun, honey.”

Cary: “And there’s a lot of prep work with the bum work. No solid food for two days. All that water you have to drink.”

Jimmy: “Gallons of it. It’ll make your teeth float.”

Cary: “The wretched solution one has to choke down, to clear out the plumbing.”

Jimmy: “Nasty, vile stuff. It’ll make you slap your momma.”

Cary: “The long hours in the loo.”

Jimmy: “The gurgling and the gushing.”

Kate: “Please stop with the visuals. I think I get it. Fine. I’ll give that southerner a pass for now, but I fully expect him to answer my comments the very second he dries off and can hold a mouse without shaking.” She trots off to go see if Spencer Tracy also needed some guidance in his personal life.

Cary: “Despite the fact that he’s not even listed in the credits for this movie, I do feel a smidge sorry for Brian.”

Jimmy: “Well, maybe we oughta check on him?”

Cary: “Let’s.”

They trot in the other direction, entering a long service hallway, dotted with multiple doors.

Cary: “I don’t seem to recall which room he’s in.”

Jimmy: “I think all we gotta do is listen for Niagra Falls. And possible screaming.”

Cary: “Got it. Must be this one here.” He knocks. “Hey, buddy?”

Brian: “…”

Jimmy: “You doin’ okay?”

Brian: “….”

Cary: “Anything you need?”

Brian: “Unless you’ve got three mops, a 55-gallon drum, and a cork the size of Connecticut, I suggest you just run like hell and pray for daylight.”

Cary: “Bette?”

Jimmy: “No, that sounds more like Joan Crawford. Maybe we got the wrong door.”

Brian: “Go! Save yourselves!”

Jimmy: “Got it.”

Cary: “Cheers, mate.”

 

Several hours later, the door quietly clicks open, and the remnants of Brian’s soul disappear down the long hallway…

 

 

Note: I report for The Trespassin’ at 6:30 in the morning. I’ll keep you posted about the posting, as I’m sure I’ll be able to get at least one more story out of this situation…

 

33 replies »

  1. best regards from an Ontario fan – whose government, in the spirit of fiscal responsibility, has declared that the cost for sedation associated with a colonoscopy is an inappropriate expense. You want a colonoscopy? You pay for the sedative.

    Hope you are feeling better tout de suite.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, part of it was “taking care of myself”, but most of it was getting tired of my primary physician asking me at every check-up: “So, I see you still haven’t gotten one of these things. What’s the deal?”

      The A-List entourage was nice, though, so there’s that…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I always hoped that age would bring me wisdom and dignity, instead it brought a bladder the size of a walnut. Imagine what drinking all that water does…

    No…

    Don’t imagine that. Sorry I brought it up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Age is a terrible thing. I fondly remember the days when my body parts sang in perfect harmony. Now half of those parts don’t even show up for rehearsal, never mind the actual concert…

      Like

  3. Uh, eh. Not belittling your soon to be had (or possibly already accomplished) ‘procedure” (I love how they put quaint little names to things that are highly invasive, horribly disgusting, possibly painful etc etc), but dude. It ain’t no thang. I’ve had (to my discredit) approximately FOUR, the first one when I was 28 years old (or so) and no conscious sedation was available. One had to be awake for the entire damned thing and the remark I’d read about that feeling ‘like they were constructing a bridge between one’s anus and one’s belly button” was no fuckin’ joke. Plus I was terrified I’d was going to shat on something important. Being told to ‘hold it’ when all your gut is telling you to do is RELEASE DAMMIT, RELEASE!! NOW!” may explain my current mental instability and irritability. I’ll regale you with my own horror story (last year) and the doctor who, despite my inability to have that damned procedure done anywhere but locally (yeah dude, drive 50 miles with a wicked, world class case of the trots and see how YOU fare), still didn’t want to do the damned scope. I finally got pissed off enough to tell him “Look if you don’t want to do it, just say so and REFER ME TO SOMEONE WHO DOES!!” Erg. My sympathies, tea and warm fuzzy thoughts winging your way. This too shall pass… um. Was that insensitive? 😉 Wasn’t meant that way..

    And what’s the deal with Jimmy? Jimmy was part of that club too? Dang man. Aren’t you going to leave me ONE truly hetero faded star from yesteryear? I already knew about Katherine… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, it sounds like I may soon be in the running to break your record. It was apparently quite a mess “in there” and, after several tense days of waiting for biopsies (benign!), the specialist advised that he wants the whole run-through EVERY YEAR so he can keep an eye on things.

      I have wept openly for a week.

      Now, I’m absolutely horrified that you were forced to do this without sedation. I just don’t see myself agreeing to that. (Then again, if I didn’t know any different back then, then I probably would have signed the paperwork.) I am not a fan of anybody touching my body, including paramours, unless they know exactly what they are doing. And that’s a rare thing, indeed…

      Like

  4. Yep, the prep is disgusting, (i have had to have more than my fair share) but better than what might be witing to get you if you didn’t have it done (My FIL died from bowel cancer – not nice at all). Chin up – there will be food at the end of it, and hopefully good results.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmm. Well, my books are only available in digital form via Amazon, so the Kindle works best. But you should also be able to download them onto other devices (I can read them on my Samsung phone, for instance) but I’m sure there are some incompatible devices out there. Does this mean I need to finally publish them in paperback, something I’ve been contemplating recently? I’d do it for you, of course. Then again, we all know that I sometimes lie here at Bonnywood… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I had one of those. The prep was truly awful, but the procedure itself comparatively less so. The drugs took care of that part.

    I hope all is well, Brian. (I was going to say “comes out all right”, but that would be adding insult to injury. 😉 ) Try to be good to yourself. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, the prep (and the not eating!) was a wretched ordeal. But I don’t remember a thing about the actual procedure. I watched the anesthetist squirt something in my IV, he asked me a question, I noticed that everything around me started to sparkle as I answered and then BAM, we were done and an assistant was poking me and telling me to put my clothes back on…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The trespassin’ will have happened by now. I suspect a tale of the invasion is waiting further along in my opened tabs. I sincerely hope the results were fruitful and fruitless all at the same time. And that you are able to walk. Upright.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, the results did initially cause alarm, but at this point it looks like things are good. So, naturally, with that kind of high-low drama, I’ll be able to get a least two more posts out of my colon. Which is where some folks think I find ALL of my stories… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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