Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #376

On the movie set, preparing for Take 107.

Bette, on the left: “I don’t know how much more of this I can stand. They’ve got me trussed up like Heidi in a methadone clinic, the entire script is only two pages, and the amount of testosterone in this room could sink the Bismarck.”

Joe, standing: “I don’t actually have any lines in this scene, but the fact that I’m holding a euphemistic-penis shotgun is inspiring me to inappropriately base my sense of self-worth on the ownership of a firearm. I can’t wait for the day when the NRA has a total grip on the Republican Party and gun-control legislation becomes impossible. Oh wait, maybe that’s already happened.”

Dick, center stage: “I don’t know what’s up with the Inbred Yokel on my right, but something tells me this is not the time to get all twisted about incest fingers clutching my hair in a dominating manner. Something also tells me that this is probably the right time to find a new publicist.”

Humphrey, in the background: “So, nobody thought it was important that I be in focus for this scene? Fine. I’ll just sit here and ooze a naughty charisma that Clark Gable only thinks he has.” Drops mic.

Leslie, on the right, and still tormented about not taking the opportunity to change his screen name when he had the chance: “If there was ever a time in the history of the planet to create a cocktail that will just get you through the day, this is it.”

Producer, suddenly racing onto the set: “Good news, all you contracted actors that don’t have any say in what movie I shove your asses into. Hedda Hopper just watched a rough cut of the flick and she is convinced that this piece of trash will win several Academy Awards!”

Bette: “Oh. Well, then. I’d best prepare my acceptance speech. I hope Joan Crawford is in the audience when they announce my name.”

Joe: “What’s an Academy Award? Can I shoot it and mount it on the wall?”

Dick: “Dude, you can do whatever you want with it, just let go of my hair.”

Humphrey: “I’ve got sperm bigger than an Academy Award. They can keep it.”

Leslie, sighing: “Once again, everybody else gets the best lines while I just sit here and look pretty.”

Ketchup bottle in the center of the table: “I hear ya, buddy. It sucks when you have a bad agent.”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie”. Modified and extended for this post. For the record, I was the victim of another root canal today, so my literary efforts are decidedly off-point. Speaking of, I had this conversation with my partner when he arrived home from work:

Partner: “So, did they root your canal?”

Me, trying to overcome numb and drooling lips: “Sure did. They also wanted to do a deep cleaning, but I told them it was too much at once, maybe next time.”

Partner: “Cleaning? What is there to clean? Everything in your mouth is brand new at this point. Some of your teeth still have the price tag on them.”

And so it goes…


30 replies »

      • Even being (almost)75, I’ve read many of the comics. They were fun, but this constant grind to lure more fans, and extort/extract more money, compares unfavorably with even Star Trek – The Re-imagining. 😯
        Where’s a Bogie, or a Barrymore (other than Drew 😦 ) when we need one?
        Was the photo from The Petrified Forest?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yep, the snap is from “The Petrified Forest” (I woefully neglected to include such in the tags). I actually like the movie, but this still sent me off in a different direction… 😉


  1. Oh, I dunno, you still got it. Hope you have good meds to get you through recovery.

    Regarding Joe – I take some comfort knowing that the NRA are struggling with money problems and infighting. Maybe Joe is loosing his grip, just a little? or am I into some wishful thinking here? (Rhetorical question. Don’t need to address it.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dental diagnosis in Oklahoma, at least in my day, consisted of somebody asking “can you still milk that cow over there without passing out?” If the answer was affirmative, you were sent on your way with nary a mention of proactivity…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That whole gang looks bored, jaded and perhaps just a tad drugged. Glad you put tags on ’em, because what with my rather faulty eyesight and the age of that picture, I’d never have figured out who was who. Although those fingers in that dude’s hair did catch my eye, as did the shotgun, once you mentioned it. Bette would be prudent to get her fanny out of there before all that testosterone latches onto the only source of estrogen in the room…Still. It’s BETTE DAVIS, who no man dared mount before his time…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your opening line aptly describes any family reunion that I have ever attended. In fact, the photo for this piece could have easily been snapped during such a reunion. Nobody was ever happy but all of us were under contract to stay in the movie until the bitter end…


        • Have you ever heard of/is it available down there – Colby Cheese?? It used to be common as grass here, but over the past few years it has completely disappeared, and we have to substitute Gouda or Havarti. 😦

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yep, we have Colby cheese. In fact, just this afternoon, I had a slice of blended Colby and Sharp Cheddar on my turkey sandwich, toasted lightly to increase the gooey factor. I love cheese. I could talk about it for days. Except when my doctor wants to discuss my over-consumption of such….


  3. A somewhat funnier remark occurred to me once I had pressed “Post”. Grr.
    Guy to the right of Bette: Make one move Joe and the toupee GETS IT!! I’m gonna rip this bad boy right off your balding skull and then we’ll see whose career is bigger!! ” Hm. Maybe it was funnier in my head. They usually are. .

    Liked by 2 people

    • Not to look askance at your dialogue addition, which I found fetching, but almost everything I write is always funnier in my head. I’ll throw out what I think is a humdinger of a line, only to have everyone focus on something trite I merely scribbled just to GET to the humdinger. We are merely misunderstood artists, fumbling our way toward redemption…


  4. Oh Brian. I have to get a bunch of tooth stuff done as well. Two crowns and something has to be done about the filling that came out. The bongos playing there in the back are a new adventure in pain. Anyway, whatever it is, I’m going to be wearing a price tag too. Yikes.

    And btw, I enjoyed your post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Lynette. I’m not sure how dental insurance plays out in Canada, but it’s woefully inadequate here. My plan only covers $1500 in work per year, which is essentially the cost of one root canal and a crown. Everything after that is out-of-pocket. I’ve already had TWO root canals and a crown replacement, and it’s only May. No wonder I have a slight drinking problem… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Egads, Brian. That adds insult to injury! I have two plans working together, but they won’t cover it all. I have bruxism and I’ve lately done a bunch of damage, have to get a tooth guard, etc. I’ll have to pay about 1000.00, so given how much is going to be done, that’s actually not too bad.

        Liked by 1 person

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