Humor

30 Startling Things to Say to Annoying Strangers at Wal-Mart

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1. “You do understand that you should be wearing panties with that outfit, right?”

2. “I will write you a check right now if you swear to never wear Spandex again.”

3. “I take it your family missed a few centuries of development.”

4. “Would you like to borrow my mirror? Because it’s clear that you don’t have one.”

5. “Please explain to your child that he is not a dog and he should get off my leg.”

6. “How cute. And what type of animal did you have to kill to get that hairdo?”

7. “Your name is not Sting. Go pick out some deodorant. I have a brochure if you don‘t know what that is. Oh, just take the brochure, who am I kidding?”

8. “I guess you save a lot of money on toothpaste.”

9. “Have you heard about this new thing called contraceptives? No? Okay, the first step goes like this: If somebody with a penis looks your way, you don‘t have to immediately flop on the ground and hoist your legs in the air. Wait, was that too many words? Did I throw you with penis?”

10. “And the pork rinds still taste good going into that filthy mouth of yours?”

11. “Let’s make something clear. Just because we both have beer in our carts does NOT make us instant friends.”

12. “Excuse me, but I’m not catching ALL of the details of what should be a private conversation between you and your gynecologist. Could you put that on speakerphone?”

13. “Was your child raised near a tornado siren?”

14. “For the love of GOD, stop reaching for products on the bottom shelf. I’m seeing pendulous things and personal crevices that a therapist can never erase.”

15. “Have you ever eaten a vegetable in your entire life?”

16. “Sweetie, this is the wrong aisle for you. There‘s nothing here that can be deep-fried or made into a tube top.”

17. “What’s up with the tongue action? Are you expecting to find a coupon in the throat of your girlfriend?”

18. “The door-greeter should be fired for letting you get by.”

19. “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone deaf. Based on the way that your child is destroying the planet while you look the other way, I’m assuming it happened during labor?”

20. “I’m not offended by the body piercings. I’m offended by the other accessories. Like your attitude.”

21. “We all fully understand that you have breasts. Now cover them up before every man in this store starts buying Barbra Streisand albums.”

22. “There are not enough words in the English language to describe the things that are wrong with you.”

23. “Girl, I don’t see a crown on your head. Wait your turn like everybody else.”

24. “By all means, knock me out of the way so you can get the exact roll of paper towels that I was reaching for. I’m sure it would be too much to ask for you to snag one of the 500 other rolls on this shelf.”

25. “Wait, is that a Tea Party tattoo on your arm? It all makes sense now. I guess you’re here for the sale on white sheets in the linen department.”

26. “What happened to you in your childhood that would make you drive a shopping cart like that? You need to talk to someone about all that anger.”

27. “Did you see how the milk spoiled right as you walked by? Even the dairy section knows that you’ve got issues.”

28. “You do understand that Jerry Springer doesn’t have a talk show anymore, right? You and your angry weave can stop trying to audition for it.”

29. “Wow. You have just single-handedly refuted the Theory of Evolution.”

30. “Let me explain something. This lovely woman at the register had absolutely nothing to do with your inability to read price tags, your non-grasp of basic mathematics, your apparent childhood in a barn, your refusal to understand that you reap what you sow, and your complete ignorance concerning social decency. She is not responsible for the epic failure of your parents, and neither is anybody else in this store. Quit whining, give her some money, round up your inbred clan, get the hell out of this building, and go back to the cave from whence you stumbled. And stop procreating.”

Love,

Brian

 

Previously published in “The Sound and the Fury” and “Bonnywood Manor” (way back in the day when I only had about 10 followers and only 4 of them clicked “like”; such is the circle of life when you start a new blog, yes?) Slight changes made for this post.

Story behind the photo: Another snap from the Catedral de Malaga. I’m sure this is a very significant tableau, full of meaning for certain religious folk who I am now unintentionally offending by including the pic with this post. I just thought it captured the pathos of shopping in low-end retail establishments where people don’t wear panties when they should…

 

Categories: Humor

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47 replies »

    • Well, according to the restraints placed against me by a court of law, I can’t actually mention family members. But there are subtle clues in the diatribe, if you have a keen eye…

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  5. The gist in 60 words of less!

    You do? I will!
    I take it …would you?
    Please explain…How cute…Your name!
    I guess…Have you?
    And the pork rinds…let’s…excuse me!?
    Was your child…for the love?
    Have you…Sweetie…What’s up?…The door?
    I’m sorry…I’m not offended!
    There are not enough…Girl(s)!
    By all means…Wait…Wow!
    Let me stop…procreating!

    Love…
    I’m Lying!

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  8. I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. I’ve been at a Walmart exactly, once when my phone was on the verge of death and I needed a charger – stat. The Walmart was in some small town in Mississippi. Does that count as double jeopardy?

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  9. One of the last times I went to Walmart, when I lived in Florida, I had run in real quick for a gallon of milk. I got in line behind one woman and then another woman with a cart full of children got behind me. I didn’t count the children, but I swear, she must have had 420. The lady in front of me had grabbed something that didn’t have a price, so we had to wait for somebody who actually “worked” there to come up with a like item.
    In the meantime, this woman behind me, kept ramming me with her cart. I ignored the first time. The second time, I turned and gave her a look. The third time, I gave her the old “stink-eye” look. The fourth time, I finally turned around and said, “ma’am. If you will just wait until I pay for my gallon of milk, you can shove that cart on up here.”
    What happened? She shoved her cart into my legs and almost took them out from under me. Being the genteel, Southern woman I am, I turned around and shoved the cart back into her.
    Now, 240 of those children started yelling, “don’t you hit my mama!” One of them came up and slapped me on the leg. Then the woman decided she was going to come beat me up or something, but one of the other employees and the manager had been watching the entire time. They made it to me before I was murdered, thank goodness.
    I finally got out, grateful to still be breathing. The next time I went for more milk, the employee who had come to my rescue, told me that the woman went out to the parking lot, looking for me. She was looking in cars and standing behind them as they were backing out, to see who was driving. She was cursing and threatening and they had to call the police.
    Yep…going to Walmart is what I call a hoot, a holler and a hi-de-fucking-ho!

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  11. I HATE Wal*Mart. With a loathing deep and fierce. Every time I’ve been in there I’ve found three things (at least) to be true:

    1. Nobody apparently works there. If you see someone in a cute little blue vest with the word “Wal*Mart” embroidered on it (no doubt by Chinese or Mexican peasants), they’ll be on break or they don’t speak English. Not even sign language gets through.
    2. Some pro-creators (I’m not dignifying those creatures with the words “parent” ‘cos they AREN’T) seem to think Wal*Mart is a place to drop off one’s offspring and then go out for pizza and beer. A sort of ‘free’ baby sitting service.
    3. Someone who never bathes and who hasn’t used a toothbrush since Reagan had his right mind (may he rest in peace. Bless his heart) inevitably comes up and tries to pan handle me.

    No I reserve Wal*Mart for the times when my cash is low and my only credit card (that the other grocery stores up here don’t take any more) is necessary to finangle me some milk (a pint maybe) or some bread. And after reading what LaurelWolfe wrote, I may have to forego THAT. Who needs to die in quest of dairy?

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    • I fully understand what you’re saying. I have some lingering guilt from even entering such an establishment, especially considering how heinously they treat their employees. (They actually give new employees documentation on “how to apply for government assistance”, because they know damn well they don’t pay them enough. True story, not making it up.) But I still go in there from time to time, because it’s the only place I can find certain things. (Recent example: Wal-Mart was the only store in the entire county that had the “protein drink” I was supposed to consume in massive amounts prior to my colonoscopy.) It’s just insane, that place…

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  12. Pingback: Wal*Mart Sarky | sparksfromacombustiblemind

  14. This will sound harsh but…Walmart is a place that should be entered with “eyes wide shut” or better yet not at all. They have one item I can’t find anywhere else, which means one trip a year. The place is often infested with nut jobs such as the certifiable with cart & kids who attacked Ms. Wolfe. It’s best to just laugh about it. As you have helped us do. Insert happy faces here.

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    • Yep, I only go to Walmart because they have certain things I can’t find anywhere else, but it never fails that I always leave said environs with a certain degree of shame. And a few bruises, both physical and emotional…

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    • It’s fair to say that anything “previously published” in the years 2008-2012 (which this piece was) fully qualifies as “Mean Girl Phase”. I was overworked and bitter about everything, then one day I woke up and realized I would hit the “magic number” for retirement from Verizon in a few years and my soul found the solace it needed… 😉

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