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Friday Night Clam Bake – #14: Poke It with a Stick and See If It’s Still Breathing

Note: One, this is a re-post, as I didn’t have time to compose anything fresh whilst I work my way through two weeks of unanswered comments on my blog. (Not complaining, as I’m having a swell time.) Two, this post was a follow-up post to the then-previous post, entitled “50 Classic Redneck Movies”. Confused? You should be. Enjoy.


Howdy, Clam Bakers.

Well, then. Last night’s impromptu shindig proved to be a moderate success, based on how many of you never managed to make it home. (It is simply amazing how many of you awoke this morning looking dewy and supple, despite having slept face-down on a log, with a melted S’more firmly accessorizing your flowing locks. Then again, I suppose the ham, gouda and vodka omelets on the breakfast buffet line might have contributed a bit of spring to your unwashed step.)

So rather than spend a dreary amount of time trying to whip up something mildly diverting for this evening’s clam bake entertainment, I thought it best that we stick with what we know, going on the bold assumption that some of us can remember the last 24 hours. (There are days for me when the last five minutes prove a challenge.) Therefore, with great fanfare and flourish emboldened by the lingering effects of the omelets, I present you with another round of title-twisted Classic Redneck Movies.

As a special bonus, we’ll be joined this evening by several featured guests who will be presenting their own artistic interpretations. (Please refrain from squealing with udder excitement. I know it pleases you to do so, but it’s Porcine Mating Season over at the nearby Bonnywood Livestock Emporium, and we really shouldn’t mess with the delicate Circle of Life by sending confusing signals that will throw the little rutters off-target.)

My Profferings (and with the intention of making things more interesting than they really are, I have added tag lines with these selections):

1. Roameo and Mooliette (“Two forbidden lovers make really bad choices involving alchemy.”)

2. Horrible Losses, Too (“We done lost the farm again, Pa!”)

3. Life Bloat (“Never shoulda ate that dang cauliflower pie. Damn you, cousin sister!”)

4. West Blight Story (“The epic saga of a really parched small town where no one is allowed to resolve their issues through choreography and orchestral arrangements.”)

5. The Line Kink (“Granny Mae, somethin’ ain’t right with the squat shack out back.”)

6. Silo  (“Things can get out of hand when lonely boys spend too much time in the basement.”)

7. 12 Angry Brahman (“A rural community festers when one of their own is accused of doing something they shouldn’t have during the Pickled Okra Festival.”)

8. The Whining (“A searing documentary about the founding of Fox News.”)

9. Some Like It Shot (“That special time in Texas when the young uns don’t have to go to school because it’s hunting season.”)

10. One Flew over the Hornet’s Nest (“Inadequate attention to the psychological needs of others leads to disharmony and the possible destruction of appliances.”)

11. Sunset Bull in the Yard (“A shady screenwriter is found floating in the stock tank. Delusions ensue.”)

12. E.T. – The Extra-Testicle (“Inbreeding is not a good thing.”)

13. The Bridge on the River Why (“Farmhands whistle whilst defending a bridge that nobody really wants in the first place, thus clarifying that war is, essentially, a really dumb-ass thing to do, most of the time.”)

14. Singin’ in the Drain (“A young gay yokel can only find satisfaction when he warbles show tunes in a drainage ditch far from the homestead. Liza Minnelli makes a cameo, but she won’t remember it in the morning.”)

15. It’s a Wonderful Scythe (“Some people just like to cut.”)

16. Ben Herd (“He always did what he was told to do, despite not knowing why. Until the day the beef jerky whispered in his ear.”)

17. A Clockwork Porridge (“Granny Mae finally snaps after 73 years of preparing breakfast for her ungrateful offspring.’)

18. Brave Tart (“The loosest gal in town finds redemption after her Scotch-tape dispenser quotes a poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson.”)

19. Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (“Bucky Joe has a revelation at the feed-store after encountering a young gay yokel who has actually read a book and did not immediately burst into hellfire flames.”)

20. The Graduate (“No one in Oklahoma knows what this word really means. Frantic discussions ensue, possibly accented by cross-clutching.”)


And now, ladies and gentlemen, please pry your lips and fingers from your adult beverage long enough to give a warm welcome to our panel of guest presenters, assuming they can all get on the stage without a wardrobe malfunction. Before they begin, I should point out that I know how competitive some of these presenters are, quibbling over even the tiniest things, such as proving who can lick a stamp better should we ever have to use one again in our modern lives. Therefore, I have assigned the speaking order based on who commented first during last night’s slam poetry sessions. This is chronology, not favoritism. That said, here we go…

Madelyn’s Momentos:

1. How the Grinch Stole the Lindbergh Baby

2. Lethal Dentures

3. Wonder Hamster

Beth’s Bon-Mot (I should point out that Beth, Maddy, Embeecee and others caught on to the fact that you really don’t have to change a lick about the title to make things all countrified and whatnot):

1. Deliverance

Maddy’s Mentions:

1. Tractor Driving with Miss Daisy

2. Catch My Cow If You Can

3. Willy Wonka’s Corn Factory

Embeecee’s Emissions (she also provided tag lines, and the world should be afraid of how similarly we think):

1. What Streams May Come (about the fight over water rights or that cow with serious bladder issues)

2. The Revenue Man Always Knocks Twice And Then We Kill Him

3. Guardians of the Galaxy 500 (Vol I and II) (a sordid tale about a boy, a repossessed vintage Ford, and its vast love of corn-fed beef)

4. Moonshine

5. Children of the Cornfield (nod to Maddy)

Jan’s Jot:

1. Florence of Arabia

Shaz’s Suggestions:

1. Back to the Farmer

2. Look Moo’s Talking

Christi’s Quips:

1. Life is Purty

2. Peggie Sue Got Knocked Up

3. Men Who Do Goats

Barbara’s Bits:

1. Best Little Chicken Coop in Texas

2. Men in Black Over-Alls

3. Planet of the Apricots


And there we have it. As the guest panelists trounce off the stage in search of absolutely anything more interesting to do, I ask you once again to break the vacuum-seal you have on your adult beverage and listen to me for at least three seconds. I promise not to dally more than necessary. But I do want to say that the questionable pageantry presented this evening, ill-planned as it may be, is something that we should all strive to do.

You might be the best writer in the world, but no one is going to know that unless you engage with the fine folks who have taken the time to read what you have writ. Celebrate those who brought you to the dance, because you won’t be dancing for long without them. Take a breath, show your appreciation, respectfully address every comment that is ever made, and pull the good ones closer to the campfire so you can share the warmth. And every once in a while cobble together something that says “thank you”, perhaps in the form of a Clam Bake at Bonnywood Manor.



22 replies »

    • Ms. d’Arty-Cross y’all are responsible for a couple of things: a) the fact that after I spit took my cola all over my keyboard and out my nose at reading your response “Raiders of the Lost Fart” , my dogs are now cowering under my desk as far against the back wall as they can get. I’m suspecting there’s a hefty vet bill in my future because I’m gonna have to buy ’em both tranquilizers…. the second thing is that keyboard. My spit take spewed cola products all over the thing and since everyone is embracing ‘wireless’ and mine is an old dinosaur of the ergonomic kind (because I have giant man hands and can’t type on those wee things people make now), it’s gonna be spendy to buy a new one. I’ll be send a bill. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • Melanie: It’s really sad how our furry friends suffer for our art. We don’t mean to psychologically damage them, but it happens nonetheless. (Side note: I have no idea where this comment is going to end up, as the comments on this post seem to be operating under a protocol that I don’t understand, with thing splintering all over the page. WordPress can be an evil muse…)


    • You’ve provided some great additions. I could promise that I will include them in a future installment, but we all know that I have a short attention span and that future edition will most likely never happen… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Yes oddball entertainment. WThank ya’ll,now if I may throw a few more onto the grill. ‘The Jeep’ with Jaqueline Biscuit,’The John Deere Hunter,’ ‘Fun With Dixie and Dwayne.’

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am terribly sorry! But I have to say that this is all Brian’s fault. When he does lists, I HAVE to join in! Yup, I know I have a problem. But I am taking pills and going to sessions. I guess that does fix your keyboard or cure your dogs…

    Liked by 1 person

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