Humor

Breaking News: Fall Program Lineup on CowNowTV!

Dear Viewers,

  I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am about the upcoming new shows on our glorious network. We have worked very hard to ensure that all bovine orientations have been represented, despite the threatened boycotts by right-wing organizations such as Focus on the Cows and Fred Phelps’ Sue the Cows Who Stray From God’s Herd. I’m sure you will laugh in udder delight at the merriment presented by our livestock-based series. Grab a butter churn and program your DVR’s!

Sincerely,

Elsie Dakow

Executive VP of Shadows and Fog

CowTV

 

1. “Keeping Up with the Cow-Dashians”

Mayhem ensues as the offspring of a money-loving Holstein and a former Olympic Decowthlete (who apparently hit his head somewhere along the line) race about and spew meaningless dialogue that no one would care about if the spewers weren’t pretty. We plan on several incidents of silicone malfunction, and a three-episode arc wherein none of the “cast” members are certain who the Baby Daddy might be.

You don’t want to miss the mirth-filled mid-season episodes where there is confusion about the proper height of stilettos, nor the heart-wrenching encounter the clueless girls have with an angry mob of bitter lesbians who have had enough of the hair-flipping. We don’t want to reveal TOO much, but by the end of the season, there will be a startling, possibly incestuous, revelation that will make Daddy’s oddly-plastic face actually show an emotion.

2. “American Cowdol”

Granted, we know we have a tough sell with this one, what with all the judges either being fired or opting not to return. (Well, except for Red Angus Jackson, who somehow manages to retain his current position, despite his shout-outs to the mysterious “Yo Dawg”, which has nothing to do with cows or musical ability. And that ill-defined creature he often references known as “Kinda Pitchy”. Who IS that?)

Anyway, we’re sure you’ll want to join us for our stellar lineup of guest mentors. You will jump with joy at seeing brief, pointless visitations from Natalie Imooglia, Aeroherd, The Rolling Udders, will.i.cow, the Black-Eyed Heifers, Cow$ha, Lady Cowga, and Hall and Oats. Make sure your cell-phone payments are in order, because we don’t want pesky billing issues during the important nation-wide voting where pre-teens vote 7,000,000 times for Sancowya, who can’t sing worth a damn but has pretty hair extensions.

3. “Big Brudder”

Once again, we have a baker’s dozen of supposedly unrelated cows locked up in a barn, fighting to win Head of Stall and vote one another out to pasture. Watch in amazement as the clueless cows bicker over the misperceived actions of others and then engage in naughty cowmances with animals they would never even consider dating in the real world. As always, the festivities will be hosted by Moolie Chen, back to prove once more that you really can only have one facial expression yet still get your own TV show.

4. “Moo Blood”

Vampire cows. Need we say more?

5. “CSI : Old MacDonald’s Farm”

Join us as we search the barnyard and neighboring farms for clues to a string of brutal cowicides during the Harvest Festival. No one is safe as the “Zoodiac Killer” stalks innocent Daisies and Brownies as they just want to chew their cud under the apple tree. Featuring guest-star stints from all the actors who have left the other CSI shows during contractual disputes.

6. “Twin Teats”

In a quirky little village vaguely located in the Pacific Northwest, someone has killed the reigning Butter Queen, and it’s up to out-of-towner Kyle McAngus to find out what’s really going on. He eats lots of pie and spends time talking to the strange citizens, all of whom seem to have something to hide, probably in one of their four stomachs. Just when you think you have things all figured out, David DuCowvney will show up in bovine drag and sour your cream.

7. “24 Cows”

A counter-terrorism unit is given the unenviable task of stopping an evil villainess, played by Sally Struthers, as she tries to destroy local cornfields. The squad is led by heroic Jack Cower, who is afraid of nothing, calmly subjecting himself to vicious methane gases coming from the compost heap. But the real brains of the outfit is his trusted assistant, Chloe O’Cowan, who uses her snappy banter and technical prowess to decipher secret access codes for grain silos, and she can hack into the power grid to re-route duck traffic when third-world billy goats hide bombs in the clover.

9. “The Laughing Cow”

This pre-teen educational program is designed for our younger viewers who like to sing, dance and eat cheese. Structured activities include learning where milk comes from, a cow-pie bakeoff, and sing-alongs with furry critters that have been carefully drugged to avoid lawsuits. Be sure to sign the kiddos up for our related book club, “Cowboys and Cowbelles”, where this week’s featured selection is “The Amazing Adventures of Bitsy Moo-Moo and Her Sexually-Ambiguous Friend Terry”. Membership kits include faux leather cowboy boots for the youngsters and faux leather g-strings for their parents.

9. “Brown’s Anatomy”

Set in a veterinarian hospital, this high-gloss soap opera follows several budding anesthesiologists as they try to balance a demanding career with busy private lives where no one can make up their minds about who they want to sleep with. The soundtrack is crammed with songs from obscure bands, so that you will think every scene is more touching than it really is. And if the plot starts to get a bit boring, don’t worry. The writers will just kill off one of the characters and totally change things around.

10. The Big Bovine Theory

Knock three times on this instant classic about two guys who live in a state without same-sex marriage and must therefore pretend that they like women for social-standing purposes. To obscure things, we throw in lots of scientific jargon that doesn’t really mean anything if you think about it, awkward situations that only geeky people would find themselves in, and continual references to things that Joss Whedon either wrote, created or had cancelled. If you ever find yourself bored, we conveniently hired an actress that you can stare at and go “hey, wasn’t she on the last season of ‘Charmed’?”

Enjoy!

 

Originally cow-prodded in “The Sound and the Fury” on “Bonnywood Manor”. Minimally revised and rebranded for this post. And yes, I realize the Bruce Jenner references read a bit odd now that we know more, but such things can happen when you release the same cow into a different pasture…

Extra note, directed toward the long-time bloggers: Isn’t it odd when you peruse an old post and you see all those comments from folks that you previously talked to almost daily yet now you haven’t heard a word from them in years? WordPress is, indeed, a family, but it’s a constantly changing one. On the flip side, it’s also nice when I see folks who are still with me all these years later. That wraps a string of lights around my heart, it does…

 

20 replies »

  1. not sure that I read the original – not sure if I would have understood it if I had – not sure I got all the references now being as I am not of the USA herd. still and all, I KNOW that it is good, being as you writ it, pardner. {descending into cowslang is inevitable)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are missing absolutely nothing by not being familiar with American television. There are a few shining stars, but most of it is crap. I do appreciate the cowslang, though. That’s a universal language that we can all enjoy on some level…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So hard to pick a favorite show, these all sound like so much fun. But i’m thinking Twin Teats, as it takes place here in the Pacific Northwest! Also, it involves eating pies. Nothing quite like a good (fruit i hope) pie. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, Kyle’s obsession was a fruit pie. Cherry, to be exact. (Well, at least in the actual show, “Twin Peaks”. The pie filling in “Twin Teats” is subject to further investigation because, well, we’re dealing with cows. They can be ornery.) I do remember, whilst watching that original show, which I was obsessive about, that the Pacific Northwest seemed like a swell place to live. Except for the fact that prom queens were getting murdered, and it took two seasons to find out who did it, and that seemed a bit excessive, even for a slower-paced life, so the travel destination soured a bit…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love living up here in Oregon! In wintertime, the atmosphere is quite damp, foggy and creepy, especially off Route 26 driving to coast. Perfect for a show like Twin Peaks. 🙂

        And it is indeed a great place to visit, especially in summertime, when it’s sunny, dry and not creepy at all. Lol. You might still want to visit someday, though maybe in July or August.

        And yes! I remember Kyle and his love of cherry pie. Such a great show. I need to watch the reruns again. I didn’t watch the reboot. I was afraid of severe disappointment…

        Liked by 2 people

        • I have been trying, for years, to get Partner to watch the original series with me. He doesn’t know anything about it, but for some reason he is deeply invested in never changing that status. It does make me wonder what secrets he might be hiding. Then again, I may not want to know…

          Still, love the original series. Of course, recreational drugs may or may not have played a part in that infatuation. I’m sure David Lynch would understand…

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Even though I AM of the USDA Approved brand of bovine (I’m not a COW, isn’t that profiling??) I admit that some of these had me going “What?” *blink blink*. But then I haven’t voluntarily watched “prime” time television (beef may be prime, TV shows in the US of A are NOT, and haven’t been since real journalism died) since 1980. There was ‘Taxi’, “Fame”, and maybe old episodes of the Night Stalker to watch. The last time I tuned into a ‘free’ channel, I got such bad eye strain (oh my EYES, my EYES) and my IQ was in danger of falling at least forty points, that I immediately turned it off and have never, voluntarily, viewed again. I had some sarky little quips about #s 4, 9 and 10, but well this comment has run overly long. Still you should be aware that “Laughing Cow” is the name of a brand of cheese up here. I suppose the premise is that happy cows never give sour milk or something. Although isn’t cheese based on sour milk in a way? Inquiring minds…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, I know about the “Laughing Cow” cheese, which is actually rather creamy and delicious. (Very spreadable on crackers, always a good thing.) So I had to go there with this piece, even if I eventually find out that said “cheese” is nothing but processed paste with a bit of seasoning.

      And yes, American TV can, much of the time, be completely suck-worthy. But now that we have branched from the “Big 3” broadcast channels to a plethora of amazing shows appearing on the myriad offshoots, there’s some REALLY good stuff out there. You just have to be brave and resourceful and FIND them, since there are so many options it can be mind-numbing. Freedom’s just another word for 300 channels and having to figure out the 5 networks with any degree of quality…

      Like

  4. What about the Halter of Cow’s House, Westcow’s World, The Handcow’s Tail, and Better Call Saul’s Cow? These are really great shows! 😉

    I agree about those old posts with comments from people who don’t come by anymore. There are a few that I’ve known for years now – pretty amazing. 🙂

    Great post. 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Wow — when you take off with the puns, you really fly! (That’s not a criticism, by the way. Hope you realize that) Rather like the idea of vampire cows. Easier to run away from.
    As for the comments from those who are no longer with us… kinda sad, but such is the blogging life. *sigh*

    Liked by 2 people

    • But could you REALLY get away from vampire cows? Because, at some point, you have to take a nap, and that’s when they get you. It’s not pretty.

      Yes, vanishing followers is part of blogging life. But I do miss some very special ones, and you can’t help but wonder if it was something you said. Or didn’t say…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Love #6, and the original ‘pilot’ series. Had such a huge girl crush on Sherilyn Fenn. Who knew she’d grown up a cow? Never seen the prequel to #9, but the cow version describes it exactly as I’d imagined it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sherilyn Fenn had a grandly exotic appeal, despite her young age, so I completely get that. Totally random and useless trivia: A woman I know from my college acting classes has a very small role in that series, playing one of the “employees” at One Eyed Jack’s Casino and Bordello Emporium. It’s a far cry from the live reading of “Hamlet” we did during a workshop in said college, but hey, she got further than I did with the acting career… 😉

      And I’ve never seen Grey’s Anatomy, either. I just visualized based on what I’ve gleaned from the sidelines, because that show has been on for 30 years or some such…

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.