Humor

Thighs and Whispers: The Shameless Perversion of Classic Book Titles in a Desperate Attempt to Create a Clever Blog Post

Fair disclosure: This one gets a little naughty, which may sound a bit late-to-the-party after yesterday’s post, but I still feel compelled to mention it…

1. David, Cop Her Feel (“A dispirited lad in London suddenly realizes that women have breasts and he chooses a new career path as a test subject in Knackered Nancy’s Massage School for Busty Lasses.”)

2. Jane Erred (“A Young Woman in 19th Century England is socially-shunned after failing to grasp the concepts of modesty, monogamy, and avoidance of swarthy stable hands who sweat alluringly.”)

3. The Bi Bull (“Muscular Adam wanders into an unexplored section of the Garden of Eden, where he is surprised to discover that he is not the only man in paradise and, thanks to the fig leaf-less vision before him, Eve is not the only one being tempted by a snake.”)

4. The Crepes of Wrath (“Someone has murdered Master Chef Pierre Gastronomie at La Maison de Egoiste, after apparently having bumped uglies with him, based on the amorous markings in the flour on the kitchen floor. It is clearly a crime of passion, and Detective Sophie Succulenta must get to the bottom of who got to Pierre’s bottom before Michelin recants the five-star rating of the restaurant.”)

5. Howard’s End (“Sometimes things are only humorous if you’ve just read the previous entry…”)

6. The Girl with the Draggin’ Tattoo (“Rampant Slap-and-Tickle overtakes the Beaver Valley Home for the Creatively-Aged after someone spikes the prune juice. Initial evidence points to the occupant of Room C-37, wherein resides a woman who used to be in a punk rock band several hundred years ago and has the wrinkled ink to prove it. But things are not always what they seem…”)

7. The Sound and the Fury (“Bad things happen when you don’t turn your cell phone off once you retire to the boudoir.”)

8. The Fault in our Starch (“The disparate members of an Erectile-Dysfunction Anonymous chapter learn about ways to enhance personal growth during weekly meetings in the basement of a Chinese laundry.”)

9. Sometimes a Great Lotion (“Desperate to increase the turnover rates in her New Orleans brothel, Madame Mimi has a moment of inspiration and invents a lubricant that expedites matters.”)

10. The Great Gaspy (“Some folks really need to work on their dismount so we don’t become concerned that we should call emergency services.”)

11. Something Wicked This Way Comes (“Cautionary tales concerning why stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed.”)

12. The Call of the Mild (“You can’t always get what you want if you don’t tell your partner what you really need.”)

13. A Farewell to Charms (“In a dystopian future involving a misogynistic President, men who still live in their parents’ basements rise up in surprising numbers, unwashed and clueless but convinced that they can grab women by the inequality. A counter-rebellion coalition is quickly formed, led by woman in pink hats and joined by, well, anyone with an ounce of decency.”)

14. Paradise Found (“Angsty teen Billy discovers his father’s porno stash in the woodshed. Brief thrill is quickly followed by awkward moments at the family dinner table.”)

15. The Son Also Rises (“A charming coming-of-age tale wherein a proud papa escorts his eldest offspring to Miss Mona’s Chicken Ranch.”)

16. The Scarlet Tether (“A free-spirited maiden discreetly explores bondage in a remote Puritan village. After all, once the crops are in, you’ve got to find something to do during the harsh winter months.”

17. The Count of Mount Crisco (“Rousing swordplay in a French manor house, as the kitchen staff gets randy in the larder pantry and Lord Menage-a-Trois decides to make it a competition. Festive sporting events such as this were quite common before the morphine-drip of social media was invented, making this a morality tale for the ages.”)

18. The French Lieutenant’s Inflatable Woman (“A misguided young man spends too much time looking for love in all the wrong plastics.”)

19. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (“A character study detailing the various reactions of several siblings when they gather for Christmas at the family estate, only to discover that Daddy has remarried and there is no place to hide from the sounds of his energetic nightly consummations. Accusations and medications ensue.”)

20. The Wenching Hour (“A lyrical nostalgia piece about a budding young writer attending college in early 1980s Oklahoma, sterling student by day and tragic tramp by night. Includes several pages of shocking photos, a remixed CD of Duran Duran hits, and a coupon for a free pair of parachute pants. This story is loosely based on someone you might know.”

Cheers.

 

Previously published in “Bonnywood Manor”. No changes made.

Note: The “Thighs and Whispers” bit in the title was nicked from Bette Midler’s 1979 album of the same name. (I can’t be creative all the time.) But YOU can. How about suggesting your own twisted titles below? You don’t have to include a description as well, but it does make it more fun when you do so. Go on. You know you want to…

Updated Note: You may want to ignore the previous note. Lots of people made wonderful suggestions in the comments of the last post, but I have included absolutely none of them in this new post. I don’t have a REAL excuse, other than laziness, but perhaps it will soften the blow to learn that we just spent several hours watching all the “extras” on the bonus DVD included in the third season of “Downton Abbey”. It was great fun, truly, but there’s only so much one can take of artsy British people discussing the set decorations for Lady Edith’s shocking wedding ceremony. I’m a bit tuckered at the moment, and my inclusionary inclinations have soured a bit. Just like Lady Mary’s at the end of Season 3, if you’ve seen the show.

Still, I suppose that shouldn’t stop you from making suggestions, nonetheless. You know you want to…

 

20 replies »

  1. Well I was reading along thinking that as shameless perversion go, this wasn’t too bad. And then I read it—parachute pants.

    So so WRONG! Once read, it can never be unseen.

    [Goes off in search of way to sterilise eyeballs. And brain…]

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The classics will never ever look the same to me. 😐 Now that isn’t a censure nor criticism, but an ‘in awe’ statement. Dang man. Parachute pants? O the humanity!! 😐 Does partner know about those?

    My contributions:
    A Christmas Peril: A cautionary tale for those entitled and overly burdened with too much wealth. You just never know when the past may come back to ‘haunt’ you. Use common sense and compassion and avoid the rush.

    To Kill A Mocking Jay: An unsavory blending of a must read classic and a modern tale of privilege and starvation and the lengths to which some writers will go with their futuristic tales of supposed games to earn one wealth and fame. Depressingly that futuristic ‘society’ doesn’t look all that different from ground zero today.

    For Whom The Ringie Thingie Tolls: Um. Make up your own caption. I’ve actually never read this particular book (not that it exists. Not with THAT title. Someone actually went to school and paid attention who wrote it. I think.)

    Our Wasted Town: A play, so this would be a parody of a script I suppose. Utopian frolics in a place that never was, except in the imagination of writers. Who are the best of persons. It’s beautiful there and peaceful, something modern day America will never ever realize again, not as long as ugly men with fake tans that can be seen from outer space, continue to hog the Tweets and act moronically. Well we are what we are, aren’t we?

    Liked by 1 person

    • All of these are delicious (the “ringie thingie” phrase sent me over the edge, for sure), but then I got to the last one, “Wasted Town”, which is actually a lovely combination of starry-eyed hope, sad-eyed reality and a basic yearning for decency. That one wins, hands down.

      Like

  3. Don’t forget these:
    1. Mobey’s Dick – the delightful coming-of-age story of a boy and his tail. Er, whale.
    2.Madame Ovary – laugh-out-loud romp about a 40-year-old woman who discovers that yes, affairs can lead to pregnancy.
    3. Franken’s Stein – tragic, timely story of a man who drinks too much beer and forgets to tighten the bolt in his neck before going to vote.
    4. Robinson’s Cruise – after surviving a terrifying plane crash, Robinson finds himself stranded on an small island with an actor named Tom and a lonely soccer ball. Greatest buddy film since The Full Monty.
    5. Trumpeo and Putinette – a breathtaking story of cross-eyed love as they meet, fall in love, and then find out that their families are sworn enemies. Watch for the romantic balcony scene where Putinette climbs Trumpeo’s hair to reach his bedroom.

    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am in awe. You started out quite fine, indeed, but each entry got even better, culminating in the right-on-target “Trumpeo and Putinette”, a surreal take on the sadly real state of the world today. That last line? Genius. I really should do a post with all the clever suggestions in the comments offered here and previously. But that would require me to have some degree of focus, and that’s really not my strong-point these days. We shall see… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love how several of the titles work in their original state, which I never would have noticed had you not perverted them. Thank you.
    Also, I saw the extras for Downton Abbey too! Fun in a nerdy sense, meaning I enjoyed it very much. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, you get kudos for pointing out that I didn’t actually subvert some of the titles. Why meddle with things if the stars are already aligned?

      I am ENRAPTURED with Downton right now. We just finished up season 5 (only one more to go, and then there’s that movie which is coming out later this month), but I have to say the “extras” on the DVDs have been superb, which is not always the case. Sometimes those extras are just crap cobbled together in an attempt to make a DVD package more exciting than it really is. This series has just been stellar, all the way around.

      By the way, since I’m assuming you’ve watched the whole thing, who is our favorite “Downton” character? Just curious…

      Liked by 1 person

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