Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #519

Note: I dug this one out of the archives, mainly because that last line is more relevant than ever, considering the past few weeks in America…

 

Meanwhile, in one of those conservative states where people voted for Trump because they apparently relish alternative facts over progress, another wedding night ensues…

Deanna, left: “Darling, I couldn’t help but notice that your father is in the room as we are about to make whoopee.”

Robert, middle: “Darling-Ette, I couldn’t help but notice that you are speaking when you haven’t been given permission to do so.”

Charles, right: “Good verbal volley, son. Extra points for the dominant finger on her lips. Well, I think it’s her lips. I need new glasses but I didn’t get my social security check this month because Trump fired another Cabinet member.”

Deanna: “Permission? We’re married now. We’re equals.”

[Cue canned laughter from the Republicans in the audience that doesn’t really exist. Like the “huuuge” crowd for Trump’s inauguration that wasn’t.]

Robert: “I’m glad you brought up the marriage angle. Because we have a contract now. And every decent judge in America knows that the male signee on a contract is automatically the winner. Everything else is unimportant.”

Charles: “Oh, I like that one. I might have to use that the next time the ole ball and chain wants to know where I’ve been all night.”

Deanna: “Oh, there are a few things that are still important. Like the fact that said contract can be nullified by either party within three business days. Even in this conservative state where they still don’t understand why Columbus didn’t fall off the edge of the flat Earth.”

Robert: “You wouldn’t dare. I have a penis and I cannot be denied.”

Charles: “More bonus points! Especially since I wasn’t really sure you had a penis until now. There was a dark time in our family when you joined the high school glee club.”

Deanna: “Oh, you can be denied, alright. I’ve already spoken with my lawyer and he assures me that this whole arrangement can quickly be null and void, especially if there is no consummation.”

Robert: “Consummation? Is that the thing where the Catholics eat biscuits?”

Charles: “Son, now I’m questioning the penis thing again.”

Deanna: “No, Robert, you twit. It’s the thing where we don’t have sex tonight, or ever. Now get your ignorant fingers off of me so I can go post a status update on social media, one that will not look good in the society papers.”

Robert: “You can’t do that. Women don’t have the right to vote!”

Charles: “Really, Bobby? Four years of expensive bible college and this is what you give me? Women have been able to vote for years. Of course, a lot of women apparently still don’t understand that they can do so, which is how our party keeps winning elections, but it seems your uppity wife has read a book or two. I might actually have to respect her, even though that’s not in our party platform.”

Deanna: “Of course I’ve read a book. While you two were off scratching your heads over some decrepit stone tablets, I actually went to a real college.” She hops nimbly off Bobby’s Questionable Box. “I thought we could build a life together, Robert. It’s obvious to me now that ‘we’ was never part of your plan. I’ll see you in court!” She then turns and runs offstage, where she happens to slam into an Italian prince who was touring the movie set. They eventually get married (once the annulment comes through) and manage to live a completely contented life on Lake Como, where they raise five well-adjusted children who eventually make thoughtful voting decisions in elections instead of waiting for Fox News to tell them what to do.

Robert: “I’m at a loss as to what just happened here.”

Charles: “I would imagine that’s how Donald Trump feels when he posts yet another inane missive on Twitter and most of the world calls him out on his idiocy.”

Robert: “You sound like a Democrat.”

Charles: “No, I sound like one of the few Republicans who has the balls to admit that we should have stopped this mess when we had the chance.”

 

Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Slight changes made for this post.

 

Meanwhile, in another conservative state that used to be known as The Supreme Court, a bit of giddiness ensues…

Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, appointed by Trump because they bonded over shared accusations of sexual misconduct: “I love the smell of injustice in the morning.”

Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: “Justice is a pendulum. And I smell a backswing…”

 

24 replies »

  1. Did one of those five Miss and the Counts children grow up to become a translator of English/Italian language? If so, she looks literally lost for words. Trumps mangling of the ‘facts’ left her looking more than incredulous.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Aw %$@!!! More cock-ups (I’ve been watching a LOT of British mysteries lately so forgive the perhaps strange verbage of that last word). It is UNFAIR to have what passes for news and reality intrude upon one’s Tower of Ivory, particularly when it feels like that monster from Alien is trying to claw it’s way out of my body – except the %$#! thing is going the wrong way. Is mauling my right lower back and hip for egress. Grrrr. I reside in the other place (one of many sadly) where they seem to think “Trump is damned GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY.” I call morons on the lot of them. Being female in Utah makes your points about women being silent (barefoot AND pregnant), cooking meals for hubby and being patted on the head when she’s a good girl; and having no rights at all, not even to her own body; a truism that made my back pain worse. This day is shaping up to be right shitty. Not YOUR fault, your post was light, erudite, hilarious and to the point. Your wheelhouse. Thank you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I sense that you are not feeling especially spiffy at the moment. Let’s try to rectify that with some dream therapy. Think back to our childhood days when we were siblings, before circumstances ripped us apart. We laughed, we played, we built an exquisite fort out of old tires. (We were poor; discarded rubber was the only thing in our toy chest.) Think of the many nations we conquered during our military campaigns, allowing the citizens to live freely without subordination. Focus on that. And breathe…

      Like

      • Much better. Just. Breathe. (my brothers and I did build forts. We had one that was this HUGE (considering children dug it) underground cave effort. I’m still surprised there wasn’t a cave in and someone wasn’t killed. But it seems in OUR youth a little dirt and maybe a couple of scratches or scrapes on one’s shins, knees or elbows was S.O.P. Not like today when being wrapped in cotton wool and being a TEAM player is the only way kids are allowed to be. It’s sad, but it explains a few things at least.

        Like

    • You are a scholar and a gentleman with unerring taste. I have great respect for your selection. (I would grant you knighthood, but there’s that pesky business of me not having the authority to do so. I’ll have to work on that angle…)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We have a federal election tomorrow and it’s going to be a nail-biter. Not sure who the electorate is going to pick. One thing is certain though. The Trump lite version (the Conservative Party – the leader of that party was hiding the fact that he’s got dual Canadian-US citizenship, a no-no here for PM. He’s hiding a lot of other stuff too, including the point on the top of his head.) that we have up here won’t be forming a government. At least I can go to sleep tomorrow knowing that my PM won’t be shaking hands with your orange gasbag and enjoying it. Yuck.

    Liked by 1 person

      • The “minority government” part means that the other parties put together (if they chose to form a coalition) could defeat Trudeau’s government and they could then form their own government (this is the case in UK – Johnson’s government is dependent on support from a smaller party). However, this situation will likely not occur because the three smaller parties will probably support Trudeau against the Conservatives (they won the second-largest number of constituencies). Overall, we are not generally a conservative country and tend to have at least two or three liberal-type parties at any given time. To give you a sense of this, if Obama had been running in Canada, he would have been a conservative, not a liberal (democrat).

        More worrisome is the fact that we have split by region instead of having a spread of different party choices throughout the country.

        Thanks for enquiring. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you for the information. It sounds a bit complicated, but then I look at the arcane American system, where a candidate can “win” without getting the popular vote (which is how Trump won, even though more folks voted for Hillary), and I’m sure people outside the U.S. are scratching their own heads in confusion…

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m still laughing my head off…..one sentence above all: I have a penis and I can’t be denied😂😂😂😂😂sure!!!!!!
    Anyway may be Deanna would like to know that some friend of my parents had their marriage annulment from the Vatican even if they had consumed it(a matter of fact they had two kids),apparently the biggest role had been played by the husband will to have installed two loos in the couple bathroom …….I won’t say no more 🙄

    Liked by 1 person

    • That sounds like a very interesting story that you might have to share some day on your blog. It also reminds me of my own father’s story, wherein he was excommunicated TWICE from the church, for both of his first two divorces. (This was decades ago; things are obviously different now.) But even as a wee child, I found it odd that he was double excommunicated. One would think that the first time would accomplish the mission. I guess the church wanted to make a point… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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