Movies

10 Classic Films Re-Envisioned as Horror Movies

1. The Grapes of Wraith

A killer is stalking dot.com millionaires at the Fancy Pants Vineyards in Napa Valley. The inheritors of the millionaires are stalking the stalker to make sure he hurries the hell up with the killing.

2. The Princess Fried

The members of a royal family are immolating one by one under mysterious circumstances, with the main circumstance being that people generally don’t spontaneously combust without some degree of assistance. However, because the massive and darkly-lit castle doesn’t have wi-fi, news travels slowly and it takes a very long time for anyone to connect the barbecue dots.

3. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Harm

Poor urchins are taken in by wealthy relatives in 1900s Maine. They spend their mornings singing gospel songs in a quaint church that smells like Puritans, their afternoons riding horses with names like Tulip and Bumblebee, and their nights running in abject terror from a pitchfork-wielding psycho named Bucky Joe. Momma would have told them there would be days like this, but Momma was a drunk and things were lost in translation.

4. Citizen Pain

Bright-eyed college students are very excited about participating in the presidential campaign of a progressive liberal, but they are stunned to learn that the conservative opponent in the race will stop at nothing to ensure a victory. Five of them find themselves trapped in a slaughterhouse filled with wickedness, depravity, nepotism, alternate truths, quid pro quo, and a shocking misunderstanding of the Constitution. (In certain foreign markets, the movie will be released as “Trump Tower-Moscow: The Beginning of the End”.)

5. Dr. Stranglelove

In the Red Light District of 1910s New Orleans, purveyors of pleasure wake up one day to discover that one of them did not, and the deadly dominoes fall from there, with tarts transpiring hither and yon. Sally Succulent, a newbie to the nubile nexus, becomes determined to determine who is sinistering her sisters. She races about the rude rues of Nawlins in search of clues, but her efforts are hampered by the long lines at Café du Monde spilling into the streets.

6. Raging Skull

Innocent high-school students (well, mostly) in the not-so-innocent town of Gravy Bucket, Oklahoma are having collective nightmares of being hunted down by skeletons from the local cemetery located on Death Lane Drive. Suddenly, but not surprisingly because it’s a horror movie, said students begin to not show up for Miss Abigail Abernathy’s home economics class at Gravy Bucket High. (Home of the Bucketeers. Go team!) Once her truancy level hits fifty percent, and thereby jeopardizing her profit-sharing potential, Abby Ab dons a superhero outfit (which she made herself, natch, because she teaches home economics) and races to Death Lane Drive, where she prepares to battle for the souls of the truant tykes. Awkward special effects ensue.

7. Lawrence of Barbaria

Archaeologists stumble upon the ancient tomb of actor Peter O’Toole, mainly because one of their hired camels spit at a sand dune and suddenly a hidden shaft appeared. Inside the tomb, said archaeologists (all of them sweaty and scantily-clad because, when all else fails, sex sells a movie) discover both an empty sarcophagus and some Twitter hieroglyphics on the wall indicating that the ancient Peter is a bit pissed off that he was nominated eight times for an Academy Award but never won. The dewy archaeologists race out of the tomb (with one of the cosmetically-enhanced females managing to expose an aroused nipple for no apparent reason, because sex sells), hoping to alert the voting members of the Academy that maybe they should lock their doors tonight.

8. Forrest Dump

Someone is tracking down and destroying the careers of sociopaths posing as conservative talk-show radio hosts in America, leaving the amoral remains of their lies in shallow graves on the outskirts of town. No one with any ounce of decency cares.

9. Fright Club

A contingent of misogynistic men gather in a secretive chamber and plot out how they plan to Make America Penis-Based Again. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Extraordinaire, gets wind of said plot and bitch-slaps said fellow members of said Supreme Court in said secret chamber. An epic battle ensues with the soul of the nation at stake. Sadly, this one is a documentary, and the repercussions will affect us for decades, making this the scariest entry on the list.

10. The Sixth Rinse

Due to corporate greed and malfeasance, a new shampoo product is unleashed on the populace despite warnings from reputable scientists that said shampoo does not play well with life expectancy. One of the scientists, Guatemala de Guata, appears on CNN, warning the world that the human body can only tolerate five applications of the toxic goo. After that, apathy and lethargy and non-voting and desensitization will occur.

In other words, just another day in the capitalistic dehumanization of America.

Too much? Well, what would you rather deal with, the ghosts you’ve never seen or the ghouls who walk in plain sight, many of them elected representatives who have no interest in representing?

Fight the good fight. Let’s Make American Decent Again.

Cheers.

 

25 replies »

  1. 11/ I, Trumpya. Follow the twisting contortions of a self-centred morally challenged win-at-all-costs egotist, soaring to new heights and plunging to new depths in an orgy of self-incriminating admissions. Be kneecapped by the full frontal assault upon normal standards of leadership! See the zombified monster froth at the mouth! This years R certified tragi-comedy brought to you by White House-Rudy G Productions. Watch, if you dare!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha. 😀 These are great. I love the dramatic arts that emanate from Gravy Bucket.

    And don’t forget this gem:
    The Lizard of Flaws – a giant hurricane slams into Alabama and a house with a lizard-man falls out. The lizard charms people by granting their wishes for courage, body parts and a return to moral odour, er, order. Most of the time, these things don’t turn out right because the lizard is still practising. But, when he gets bored with grabbing pussies he starts building a wall to keep out invasions from the flying monkey army to the south. Everyone is happy. But lo, some empires across the sea feel threatened, abandoned, fleeced and screwed. They decide to form a coalition and begin to menace the lizard’s trading unit, the florin. By then, the lizard, who has now begun to resemble an orange Idi Amin, declares “Sometimes people mistake the way I talk for what I am thinking” and orders the palace guard, in the name of openness, to break up a coup attempt that’s fomenting in a secret room.

    End of part one. Part two? I hope it’s got better direction. 😉

    Btw, the above quote courtesy of Idi himself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I will happily step in and direct Part Two, as this is a fascinating story that simply must achieve a dramatic and satisfying conclusion. I will probably fail miserably, but I plan to fill the soundtrack with old-school, feel-good songs that will help everyone overlook the fact that I failed, as this is a time-honored hallmark of many crappy American movies… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Now how am I supposed to sleep tonight with images of a pissed Peter O’Toole and conservative talk-show hosts roaming the streets? Geez! Thanks a lot Brian.

    Make America Decent Again. If only…

    Liked by 1 person

    • In a rare kismet moment of reality intervening with the unreality of blog post comments, Peter actually knocked on our sliding glass door last night. He was mostly interested in finding a proper loo, but I did query him about his intended nocturnal targets. He assured me that you were just fine and you should carry on.

      As for the conservative talk-show hosts, well, they didn’t knock, but since you can’t trust anything they say, it didn’t matter if they knocked or not. So I would advise that you keep sleeping with that rolling pin under your pillow…

      Liked by 1 person

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