Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #423


Charley, middle: “Now, look here, Buford. This here’s what we call a ‘woman’. They can be quite nice to have around if you know what to do with them.”

Buford, right: “Why I gotta have one of those?”

Charley: “They can make you happy. They can cook and they can clean and…  take care of your manly needs.”

Buford: “I take care of my needs just fine. There’s a whole barn full a-”

Charley: “I told you not to bring that up. The women folk don’t understand the call of the barnyard like we do. Now, introduce yourself and say somethin’ nice.”

Buford: “I ain’t talkin’ to her, ever.”

Charley: “Buford, don’t be treatin’ your cousin like that or I’m gonna whap you upside the head. Say ‘hey’ to her.”

Buford, reluctant: “Hey, woman.”

Charley: “Good. Now say the somethin’ nice part.”

Buford: “You… you don’t smell too bad.”

Charley, sighing: “Well, I suppose that’s as good as it’s gonna get, for now.” He turns toward the woman. “Okay, that wraps up the courtin’ ceremony. You ready to get hitched?”

Bufordeena, left: “I just have one question.”

Charley: “Oh, they didn’t tell me you would have questions. But go ahead, I reckon.”

Bufordeena: “Does he have a 401k?”

Charley: “Honey, he never even made it to the pre-k. Ain’t no money with this mess.”

Bufordeena: “I see. Well, this has been quite lovely and all, but I believe I’ll keep wearin’ white for a bit longer. I think Buford made a wise choice by not settin’ his goals outside the barn. Y’all have a nice day, and I’ll tell Momma that you both got your health and we’ll see ya at the Cabbage Festival. Bye now!”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Slight changes made for this post.

P.S. NaNoWriMo current word score for those who might be mildly curious: 30,531. I done busted that 25K middle-mark hump, I did.


21 replies »

  1. LOL I want to say this reminds me of my neighbors, but I’m afraid they might be reading it.
    Looks like their lights are in the barn. If they have a computer that’s where they’d keep it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I fully understand your concern about who might be reading what. My first book was published 6 years ago, and I am STILL dealing with the fallout from family members (and neighbors) who were none too happy about how they were presented in that salacious (in their minds) novel.

      On the flip side, I stand by my belief that if you don’t want the world to know the truth, stop doing things in a barn that you shouldn’t be doing. I should probably print that on a t-shirt and wear it to the next family reunion… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. When we visited Charleston, SC, we found that the town down the road, that everybody called Buford, was actually pronounced Beaufort – (I took my beau out to Fort Sumpter. beau-fort) by people with three digits in their IQ rating. 😆

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been to Charleston and I fully understand your pain. Perhaps we can get a group discount if we attend the same therapy sessions to help us deal with the post-trauma fallout of Goin’ South? I’ll check into it…


  3. Bufordeena’s color perceptions are a bit off, if that’s white, I’m a virgin. Maybe that’s her POINT. Keepin’ them pesky related men folk in line requires a lot of finesse, ‘specially when the community is small and the gene pool polluted…. I know. I have kin all over Utah… ALL OVER. In breedin’ never did nobody no good, and plenty o’ pioneer wimmen were downright overjoyed that there was a barn available..

    Liked by 1 person

    • See, I almost changed “keep wearing white” to “keep wearing dirty white” to capitalize on Bufordeena’s tainted couture, but I was a bit lazy in the editing, hoping that no one would zero in on my failure. You went right there, and you should have, reminding me that I should go with my gut instinct more often.

      On a related note, if my daddy had only been introduced to the dubious satisfaction of a well-stocked barn earlier in life, perhaps he wouldn’t have had 700 failed marriages due to his wandering ways. (Is that an overshare? Perhaps so. Life goes on.)


  4. Yeah…without the 401k or something equivalent, I agree she should continue her single status. She looks like she’s laughing at her own joke about wearing white😉

    And what was that at the end about you getting busted humping at the 25k???😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ah, good twist on my footnote. I was merely referring to an innocent writing competition, but if we’re being honest with each other, and I feel that we can at this point, you’re actually quite spot on. Somewhere in the archives is the tale of the time that I… well, you’ll just have to wait and see if I drag it back out… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, so I was thinking the guy on the right was Ward Bond and he was the only one I thought I knew. But you’re saying the one who looks like she might be inbred (because of the look on her face) is Gene Tierney? Wow. Huh. Heh. Good story. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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