Humor

20 Cryptic Status Updates to Confuse Your Friends and Family

By on • ( 47 Comments )

1. “I knew there were going to be issues when they told me I had to light both ends of the baton before I could twirl it.”

2. “Does anyone have a really big truck that can haul something the size of a small elephant? Oh, and I might need some character witnesses for a court date later this month. Text me.”

3. “Note to Self: Always make sure that you have underwear on when answering the front door. Unexpected things can happen, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t have anything in their training manual for these developments.”

4. “Does anyone know what happened to the colander?”

5. “For the last time, the toilet paper goes on the spindle so that the paper rolls off the top. Don’t come up in my house and try to jack with the protocol. I’ll cut you.”

6. “I have no idea how I got 2,000 friends in Facebook. I’m assuming that alcohol was on the selection committee.”

7. “My fortune cookie had a recall notice in it.”

8. “It really irks me when I’m starving to death, open the refrigerator to find it crammed full of whatnots, and there’s not a damn thing in there I want. All this useless crap, and we’re saving it? Why? We’re all just waiting for the pointless leftovers to grow mold spores so we can then chunk them and cram newer crap in there that no one is ever going to eat. It’s ridiculous. On the plus side, reviewing the contents of the fridge during summer months is quite refreshing, with all that cooled air gushing about, especially if you have just terrorized some Jehovah’s witnesses with a commando performance at the front door.”

9. “Today is National Procrastination Day. People suffer from procrastination all the time, even though they try really hard to not do anything about it. If you support procrastination, think about posting this as your status, then don’t do it and go watch TV instead.”

10. “Don’t take the blue pill.”

11. “Dear person behind me in the check-out line at the supermarket: What was it about my appearance or mannerisms that made you think I cared one iota about your personal life? Please tell me, so I don’t make that mistake again. I just wanted to buy some avocados. I really wasn’t prepared for your woodchuck-on-acid emotional meltdown.”

12. “All I can say is that it must have been the allergy medication that made me do it.”

13. “So, what’s the real difference between first-degree and second-degree murder? Skill in hiding the body? Neatness? The dismount? Choice of soundtrack?”

14. “Okay, fine. I’m the one who ate the last piece of pizza and then made up that mess about a home invasion. I paid the neighborhood boy to lie about somebody running down the alley with grease dripping from his chin. Trust me, that was just a minor moment in my arsenal of deception and world domination.”

15. “The treadmill in the den. The thing that I absolutely had to have, used it a few times, and then ignored it ever since. It’s just like any relationship I had in college, only without the beer bong and the subsequent need to visit a free clinic while wearing sunglasses and using a fake name.”

16. “Click ‘Like’ if you think that people really shouldn’t be clicking ‘Like’ on every tiny update from everybody on the planet. Ten years ago people on this planet actually managed to survive without digital validation.”

17. “I really meant to accomplish a lot of important things today. Then I got out of bed, which totally ruined everything.”

18. “I have no idea how those stains got there.”

19. “They should develop software that automatically takes a photo of someone posting idiotic or hateful remarks on the Internet, like those traffic cameras that capture a snap of Billy Bob Clodhopper clearly flying through the intersection a full minute after the signal turned red, tossing a beer can out the window. The only exception to this rule should be porn sites. That’s a world of delusion in itself, with the obvious lie that sex lasts for hours, everybody has multiple orgasms, and all you have to do to arrange for sex is order pizza or have a plumbing situation where a service tech has to lie on the floor and reach for a lug-nut.”

20. “If anybody asks, I was nowhere near the intersection of Hampton and Bonnywood roughly two hours ago. I know nothing about how the fire started. And I certainly don’t have a flaming baton. Not anymore.”

 

Previously published in “The Sound and the Fury” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Tiny changes made for this post.

 

Categories: Humor

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47 replies »

  5. OMG, #5. I have a plaque on the wall that says “changing the toilet paper roll will not cause brain damage.” Apparently they are already brain damaged because nobody loads up a new roll.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Isn’t it frustrating? I’ve gone so far as to arrange an artful presentation of fresh paper on the toilet tank, yet I still wander in during a party to find a depleted roll in the holder and the bountiful offering untouched. I clearly went to different schools than some folks…

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  9. 1. You’re supposed to light batons? 2. You don’t haul it away. You dismember it and bury it in your back yard. 3. Does it count if your panties are on your head? 4. The last time I saw the colander, it was….hell…I don’t remember. What is it used for again? 5. Absolutely! The toilet paper rolls off the top. If anyone refuses to obey that rule, they get to use their hand to wipe. 6. And what is this Facebook thing you speak of? I know a few people that I would like to hit in the face with a book. 7. My fortune cookie told me to never open another fortune cookie. Then I saw a crow. Then a hearse went by. Hell…that’s not a real cookie anyway. Fortune, my ass. 8. My refrigerator? AH…what a lovely thing it is. Right now, it contains six Boosts and a jar of Mayonnaise which may or may not be expired. No worries. I imagine chunky Mayonnaise is just as good as smooth. 9. I’m not a procrastinator. I understand that whatever needs to be done will still be there the next day, or the next, so I get to it when I get to it. 10. LOL. I used to take a blue pill every morning (for my broken heart). Actually, it was more of a lovely turquoise. Then the manufacturer changed the color to brown. Nothing like having what looks like a rat turd first thing in the morning. 11. People don’t talk to me while I’m in line. I think I have that air about me that says “leave me the fuck alone.” 12. I always say “I must have been down with my sickness.” 13. First degree is when you meant to. Second degree is when you meant to, but swear you didn’t, and promise you’ll never do it again, if they’ll just let you go. 14. You sound like Charlie. He’s the scoundrel who leaves the lights on, eats the last piece of pizza and puts the empty box back in the refrigerator, leaves one square on the roll of toilet paper and leaves empty glasses all over the place.
    This is getting too long and I can’t speak about treadmills, and beer bongs. Hell, it was only a year ago that I actually figured out what “short and curlies” meant. I had heard the term, “they’ve got us by the short and curlies” but I always thought it meant they had us by the eyelashes. Sigh.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • This is perfect! You’ve thrown out so many delicious tidbits that I can’t even begin to respond to them all. But you do realize that you could get a terrific blog post out of this, right? You’ve already done all the writing, and you really shouldn’t let all these thoughts slip away.

      So, yes, I’m challenging you. Turn this into a blog post. (After you’ve finished your current story series, of course.) It will be a hit, swear.

      P.S. My sympathies concerning your late learning about the true meaning of “short and curlies”. I’m also quite guilty of not understanding something until it’s already been understood by everyone else and they’ve moved on… 😉

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  10. Hahah some of these are brilliant. No5 gets the frustration with people oddly putting loo roll the ‘wrong’ way on the holder, but I’d maybe cut the ‘I’ll cut you’ part otherwise you’ll no longer have a Facebook account from which to confuse people with your status updates 😆
    Caz x

    Liked by 1 person

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    • I did create a rather violent image with the “cutting” bit, but that’s also a phrase that folks throw around here in these parts all the time. It’s just a saying. But you’re right, perhaps I should be a little less demonstrative. On the flip side, I wouldn’t have to get pushy if people just did the right thing… 😉

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  11. Makes me almost want to create a Facebook account just to use some of these. Almost. I dodged that bullet. The only other social media I have is the Tweets and I very rarely go there.
    And YES! #5… I will shame you, I dont even care. It will be a big ordeal, there may be tears and doors slamming but everyone else present will know of your ineptitude.
    Interesting about the blue and red pills. The colors are reversed, dontcha think?

    Liked by 1 person

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    • You know, I’ve always been a bit confused with the red and blue conundrum. I mean, I’ve seen the movie, and I thought I understood it at the time. But when I originally wrote this post, I actually googled to see which pill was the right one, only to discover that nobody else fully got it either. So I just went with “don’t take the blue”, even though that didn’t feel right because I’m the most liberal person on the planet and choosing red is death to me… 😉

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    • Oh no, don’t get me wrong – I fully think it’s necessary and pretty apt! I just think the Facebook police would take umbrage, picking on the easy targets. Maybe it should be taught in schools, the ‘correct’ way to hang you loo roll 😉

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  12. This is a Twitter Thing post isn’t it? 😐 Since I don’t tweet and never EVER will (singing suffices just fine thanks), my comment is probably irrelevant. It continues to mystify me that some folks (not you Brian, you’re awesome and always will be) think that the status of their latest b.m. including texture, size and color is of interest to anyone but their proctologist. Yet there they are busily causing carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis to their thumb joints by typing such information on a public forum. I know whom to blame for this phenomenon though. It’s that cretin who is Putin’s b*tch and is senile to boot. Oy vey! America, I weep for thee!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • To be fair, the original title of this piece had “Facebook” in it, but then I subsequently yanked that out so it could apply to all social media. The song remains the same, though. One of the worst things that has happened to society is social media. Many people should never have a platform wherein they can reach a mass audience. In fact, those people should never have access to anything…

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  15. #13 — My point exactly. And while we’re at it, do murderers in prison laugh at attempted murderers for being such utter failures? These are questions that need to be answered.

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  19. Yeah, that bit on the toilet paper — what’s wrong with those people? Did their mothers drop them on their head?
    One time someone told they started doing it because their little lambkins would put the loose end of the paper in the toilet and watch it unroll when they flushed. But that just sounded like little lambkins needed their butt whipped. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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    • I’ve also heard the weak excuse that the reverse-engineering with the dispenser prevents domestic felines from fiddling with roll. This is a complete lie. If Pretty Kitty wants to wreak havoc, she is not going to be dissuaded by the lay of the land…

      Liked by 1 person

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    • I think it’s fair to say that teens these days have an unrealistic understanding, period. Of course, the same could probably be said of me during my own tormented youth, when I actually thought that people would do the right thing, just because it was the right thing. My bad…

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