Present Tense

Present Tense – #10

And so it goes, in the Land of Bonnywood, there will be times when, despite my yearning to exude an aura of professionalism and skill, that I will fall through the cracks of said professionalism and land with a resounding thud. It’s not a pretty scene, with me floundering about in an ooze of shame and degradation.

One of those times just happened.

I was innocently perusing the latest offerings on Margo’s delightful site, that little voice, when I chanced upon a post entitled “Scary Sign”. This was a proffering of “fun and scary” photos with a Halloween theme. At the tail end of said display, there was a snap of a Trump/Pence sign in someone’s yard. I found this amusing, and therefore a comment was imperative. However, someone had already commented about the sign, and it was only polite that I not act like I was the first to notice the placard, so I had to modulate my response to acknowledge Those Who Had Been There and Done That Before Me. Sadly, there was a breach of proper keyboard-operation protocol, and things went south.

Herewith, the conversation:

Me: “Agreed, that last one sent a child down my spine…”

Margo: “Pray tell what child did you have playing on your spine?”

Me: “See, this is what I get for trying to type after gorging myself on a lovely buttermilk chess pie that was calling my name from the kitchen. Isn’t it amazing how the mistyping of one letter can suddenly make a comment VERY creepy?”

Margo: “Creepy? Yes.”

End trans.

So now I’m assuming that Margo, staunch supporter of doing the right thing that she is, has alerted the appropriate authorities that I may be one of those evildoers who coerces small children to check me for signs of scoliosis. (Fair disclosure: Margo probably laughed it off and then went to make her own buttermilk chess pie, because why wouldn’t you want one after someone mentions such?) Still, I’m sitting here at my hallowed writing desk, waiting for a knock on the door. Perhaps I should eat the rest of the pie in case it’s the last one I ever see…



Previously published in “Bonnywood Manor”. No changes made, as my ineptitude is already pungent enough. But for those who might be concerned, The Knock never came. And many pies have been gobbled since The Incident…

Still no word on my scoliosis status. Might need to check that out…


35 replies »

  1. Up until this moment, I had not heard of Buttermilk Chess PIe – as a matter of fact, I thought that another breach of keyboard protocol had occurred.. and wondered, does he not mean Buttermilk CHEESE pie?

    Thanks to search engines I have since learned, that no, he does not! And thanks to you, Dear Brian, I may need to add “Buttermilk” to the grocery list…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A proper guffaw will cause any liquid attempting a trajectory south of its intake to redirect its path sharply at an approximately 90 degree angle, thereby caressing the nostril hairs as it explodes outwards. So, thanks for that!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t even know what ‘buttermilk chess pie” IS. *sob* Such are the travails of being raised and abiding in Utah for all these eons. ;| As to the typo? Since such things are often de rigeur ’round WordPress, and since I was mildly chastised for being a spelling and grammar police whom ought to keep her pie hole SHUT about the matter, I doubt that Margo (whom I think is a classy old broad) breeched the etiquette with anything but the most pure of intentions…to provide humor. Since that’s your wheelhouse (too), um….. 😐 Shutting pie hole again. Unless there’s some key lime about somewhere? You could always blame the faux pas on that irritating ‘word replacement’ factor that most phones have. Even if you blog on a proper computer (desktop) or lap top. It’s a valid dodge…

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, I find nothing wrong with being a member of the spelling and grammar police, so please happily point any snafus you may encounter at Bonnywood. Not only do I woefully need assistance in that area, apparently, I also don’t relished being arrested by Child Protective Services due to a mere clerical error…

      Second, you should run out a get the ingredients for a buttermilk chess, as long as any of said ingredients do not cause you bodily dissatisfaction, as there’s always that angle. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

      Third, I also love me some key lime pie, so I might be running out for THAT since you’ve put a food worm in my head…


  4. I’ll send my child, who has scoliosis herself, to check your spine. Dont worry, she’s my child but 25 years old so legal😉
    Autocorrect is my nemesis! It always happens in comments and even when I double check to make sure… sigh…
    I have to admit that some of the corrections offer philosophical mind journeys.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, those “philosophical mind journeys” can be quite intriguing. There have been many times when I think “how did they get THAT word from what I was trying to type”? But then I decide I like their word better and I end up changing the whole paragraph… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When Kate was little, I used to get her to walk on my back–cheaper than a chiropractor. Now, of course, she would probably snap me in half, but at least I can say with accuracy than I once sent a child down my spine. I looked up Buttermilk Chess pie and it sounds not only delicious but also easy to make!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am still “hollering!” One of my followers sent me a comment that said “you are a waste on those people.” She quickly corrected it.
    Hey…better sending a child down your spine than down your hoo-ha. That shit hurts!
    And…what is buttermilk cheese pie? Never heard of it…and I’m SOUTHERN!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now, now, we might have to review your Southern credentials if you’ve never been face down in a buttermilk chess pie. Then again, there are a lot of southern foods that I would never put in my mouth unless the moonshine makes me do it… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • CHESS pie! I thought it was CHEESE pie. Hmm. Hold on.
        Ok. I looked it up and…never heard of it.
        I don’t usually admit this, but one time I was talking to this guy who was in a band. (Long story.)
        Anyway…the conversation ended when he said, “ you were raised on cornbread and dumb, weren’t you?”
        I innocently asked, “what’s dumb?” I knew what cornbread was. LOLOL
        He was a nice guy and I’m not being facetious.
        Have you ever had pickled pigs feet? Or fried fatback? That’s my favorite! 😬

        Liked by 1 person

        • First, I am definitely stealing the “cornbread and dumb” line, as it would apply perfectly to so many people in my past and present.

          Second, I have never tried pickled pigs feet. Or really, pigs feet in any incarnation. It just never came up.

          Third, I have indeed had fried fatback. Way back in the day (long before most of us had any idea about healthy eating) there was a diner that served a sandwich composed of fried fatback, fried baloney, fried onions and pickles, all of which was drenched in barbecue sauce. The diner is long gone, and I’m assuming most of the clientele as well, because you can’t eat that kind of mess with any regularity if you want to live past 40… 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • Fatback was the only meat my grandparents could afford…however, I used to have a pet duck. It would follow me to school and then be waiting when I got home.
            One day…he disappeared. I was so sad…but we had what I thought was chicken for dinner that night…and it was good! WAH!
            I refuse to eat any Bambis or Thumpers or Donalds. I will however have a piece of cow butt every four or five years. (Filet Mignon.) 🥴

            Liked by 1 person

  7. I lately sent a comment that read, “It IS cold, but if you water the right clothes, the cold is rather, well, it just is.” Yup, watering clothes when it’s -37°C (-34.5F) will create a fairly decent example of hypothermia. 😉

    Glad to hear that the knock never came and you enjoyed the chess pie. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m too old to rofl, but if the knees would bend I would be right down there rolf….
    Your typo is both funny and scary…especially in this crazy world that we inhabit.
    The only remedy I can see is for you to get ahead of the game by collecting typos
    from an assortment of unnamed blogs. I can only imagine what you find. (she says
    as she scurries off to check her own blog for unintentional crimes.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I immediately began compiling a list of word violations that were not mine, just in case they might come in handy for my defense lawyer. He just looked at my list and then at me and said “There’s really no hope for you. But you still have to pay me, so why don’t you hand me a check instead of a list, hmm?”

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Buttermilk chess pie must be an Oklahoma specialty. Probably cheap to make back in the day. I did call child protective services in Oklahoma but they found nothing unusual about child allowed to romp up and down someone’s spine, legs, arms or any part of the body. They weren’t so understanding if said behavior was exacted on the family livestock.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, Margo! Good to hear from you. Agreed, buttermilk chess pie must be a local thing, based on the confusion in the commentary. I’ll have to do some research. Now, as for the livestock angle, it’s perhaps best that I not reveal what I may or may not know about such a thing… 😉


    • Yes, you should. But then I should point out that there is a bit of an art to the making of such, as I’ve encountered some wretched botches in my life. I feel the best route would be for you to concoct one yourself, as there is no doubt that your precision and skill would result in a wondrous pie… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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