Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #33

In the early Twentieth Century, women were not allowed to purchase lingerie without the participation of an advisory committee, with at least two members wearing annoying hats during the proceedings. At Greta Jean’s Emporium of Chastely Coverings (“Helping Privates Remain Private since 1873!”), we join a group of women engaged in such a group purchase, preparing for someone’s upcoming nuptials.

Prudencia, far left, bitter: “Well, I’m certainly ruling out these two nasty bits of whorishness. They would show far too much cleavage, and since I don’t have any cleavage myself, I don’t want anybody else to be able to show theirs. It annoys me when other people have nice things. That’s why I joined the Tea Party.”

Virginetta, near left, unsullied so far: “I was thinking about something like this number. It has rather classic lines, don’t you think? Since my fiancé is a Rhode Island Scholar, I thought he would appreciate me looking like something he could read in a library. And I like this little skirt thing that I can fiddle with when I don’t know what to do on my wedding night.”

Witherina, middle, secretly sullied and part-time auto mechanic: “Oh, heavens no, that won’t do. You look like a Greco-Roman tamale. Men are already savage enough beasts as it is, so you don’t need to make him even more hungry. You should go for something less provocative. That’s the key to a good marriage, restraint and carefully-planned inaccessibility. And your own bank account.”

Ditsy Mae, near right, clueless: “I was raised Pentecostal so I really don’t have anything to contribute. Unless somebody brings out a snake, then I know what to do.”

Clydette, far right, free spirit: “Oh my GOD I can’t take it anymore. You people are insane. I only joined this stupid committee so I could use it as an example of community involvement on my college application to Vassar. Let me break it down for you nattering twits. Prudencia, lose the hula hoop necklace. It only draws attention to the fact that your Twin Peaks have apparently been loaned out to another mountain range. Not that such things have any relevance. Physical appearance is only important to small minds.”

Virginetta, it really doesn’t matter what you wear on your wedding night. If you do it right, nobody will be wearing anything. If your fiancé can’t get excited by the simple fact that it’s you, it might be time to look for another fiancé. I say go all out and wear some crotch-less panties and a smile. Witherina, judging by the big-ass fingerprints all over your sheath, you’ve apparently been banging King Kong so you might not be the best person for relationship advice. And Ditsy Mae, you poor thing, thanks for bringing up the snake-handling, as it sounds like there’s a lot of people in this room that really need a good snaking. And a big ole bottle of bourbon.”

Greta Jean, proprietress, wandering in from her office where she kept plenty of bourbon, because customers are annoying: “Okay, ladies, have we come to a decision?”

Virginetta: “Yes. I think I want to go to Vassar.”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Modified slightly for this post.


19 replies »

  1. Oh, Prudencia HAD cleavage, but, as with the rest of us ‘older wimmen’, her girls have gone spelunking in the knee region of her anatomy. A reason, perhaps that older women don’t indulge in things like jumping rope or trampoline frolics…getting hit in the eye with a ‘girl’ of that age leaves a wicked mark…Virginetta, like all women in her particular position (strictly missionary) virginal on their wedding nights (which is an extinct state of being these days – except in Utah and certain bible belt areas of the South)….will learn in time that sometimes less is more..

    Liked by 1 person

    • In a related note, many older men can no longer jump-rope or trampoline with gusto either, as our once dewy and elevated nuggins have dried up and descended, now knocking about among our kneecaps. It’s not pretty. Picture, if you dare, a twisted taffy pull that has gone terribly wrong.

      And now I’ve forgotten what my point with this comment was going to be…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was married, remember? I saw the ‘twisted taffy pull’ for myself and no, I’ll NEVER get that image out of my mind. Ever. Still it proves that in the end we’re all made equal by the sagging and mutating bits that once were dewy fresh and stayed where they were placed. *sigh* 😉

        Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.