Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #339

Man on the Left: “I do believe someone is trying to get your attention.”

Woman on the Right: “And I do believe I’m trying to ignore her.”

Hair in the Middle: “Darling, you can’t ignore me. I run this place, and it’s my responsibility to make sure that things go as they should. And it appears that you didn’t get the memo that hairstyles are to be intimidating this season. Just look around you.”

Woman: “Well, I can see that one female on the dance floor with hair that hasn’t been teased and coiffed to satanic proportions. She must have overlooked the ludicrous memo as well.”

Hair: “Oh, pay no attention to her. She’s a slut with no formal training. The family still has money, although I don’t have the faintest idea how, so I have to let her past the velvet rope despite my misgivings. But eventually she’ll be arrested for something tawdry and her lack of style will be a distant memory. Surely you don’t want to end up in the same boat with all the other straight-haired harlots. It just wouldn’t do, my dear.”

Woman, looking at the Man: “And what do you have to say about this preposterous intervention, as you sit there and not defend me whilst your pterodactyl claws clutch the table and clearly won’t be clutching me later this evening. Why do you find this so funny?”

Man: “Oh. Well, in my own weak defense, I must say that my testosterone has been completely vaporized by the sheer wattage of our hostess’ hairstyle. And her cracked-open smile. It’s like a black hole sucking in smaller planets.”

Hair: “Oh, trust me, this smile is completely insincere. It’s just that I haven’t been able to close my lips or my eyes since Alejandro winched up my hair at Chez Nouvelle. He does wonderful work, and you can’t put a price tag on such sublime artistry.”

Woman: “And was your soul on the receipt?”

Hair: “Soul? Who has one of those anymore? How quaint of you to mention such a thing.”

 

Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Slight changes made for this post.

Side Note: I will be out of pocket for the next few days, attending yet another round of Christmas festivities, this time in Houston. (Stunning as it may be that we are doing so at this late date, we actually have another round later in January. Partner and I both have large, scattered families, and it takes a while to run the whole gauntlet.) End result, I may be a bit slow with comment responses and courteous blogging reciprocity. Then again, I’m always behind with that mess, so this entire paragraph is probably pointless and unnecessary, as are many of the posts you may unwittingly stumble upon here at Bonnywood. Cheers!

 

29 replies »

  1. ….And just when I realized that I had not seen or searched for your work in over a week, you show up on WordPress Reader, under the strange tag ‘Writing.’
    I really must pull up my tighty-whities enough to squeeze out sufficient testosterone to get the job done – research, not recreation. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not even sure how to respond to this comment, as the imagery of you hoisting the huevos has completely thrown me off track. So I guess I’ll just type a few more words until this looks long enough to be a decent response and then quietly slip away…

      Like

        • You’d think that the French and the Spanish and the English would get together and agree on a single moniker for the McNuggets. After all, half the world has descended orbs, so there’s really no reason why we can’t have a universal euphemism…

          Like

          • Get three languages to agree??! You dreamer! We can’t even get one language to agree. Somehow things like bodily functions invite a plethora of redundant euphemisms. I think the record is held by the act of being drunk. I have a file with over 50 ways to describe it – lit, bombed, bashed, high, snockered, wasted, zonked, etc. Use at your own risk. 😉

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Hair-raising flight of fancies yet again. As for your side-note, I love this’ running the family gauntlet’ concept. It can feel that way. Think of it as a joyous journey. A long long journey. Have fun, if you dare. Or can.

    Liked by 1 person

      • The Gathering. talk about a great title for a movie. ‘The Gathering’ by B. Tight Shamblageose. Tag line;’I see drunk people.’ Didn’t you also direct ‘The Ain’t Nuthin’ Happening’ and ‘The Spillage?”

        Liked by 1 person

        • I must confess that I did, indeed, direct “Nuthin” and “Spillage”, both of which went directly to DVD without a theatrical release, surprising no one. But in my defense, I only made those films to pay off a debt that I incurred whilst in college, when I really did see drunk people. Everywhere…

          Liked by 1 person

    • It was certainly an interesting time. And I even thought of you when the temperature managed to drop 30 degrees in one afternoon. “Hmm. Lynette knows about these rapid temp drops. Of course, it took us several hours to drop whilst she experiences the same amount during one punch of the snooze button on her alarm clock…”

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m gratified to know the reason behind that ozone destroying hair mess meeting…the hairspray alone probably did significant damage. Because in my own interpretation (before reading your codicil and the lovely comments this post garnered) was that someone put a whole bottle of Prozac in the fruit punch. That or Xanax (if Xanax existed back in the days of high hair). Anyway the whole really amazingly cheesy grins on the faces of most of the attendees tells me there’s something chemical going on. The dour faced woman obviously didn’t partake and her hair, falling free and without hairspray additives that make the consistency of said hair that of concrete, didn’t cut off circulation to her brain cells. I hope she remembers where the exits are… I suspect security is on it’s way..

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, I agree that drugs had SOMETHING to do with this situation.

      Second, did I ever share the story about the time I was almost killed by a can of Aqua-Net?

      Third, I can identify with the dour-faced woman, as I never partake in anything if I don’t have to and I also suffer from structural damage with my brain cells…

      Like

  4. Hope you have a fun post-Christmas celebration and here’s another bit of intriguing info for you: Remember my aunt Rose, of Rose and Bud? She and my mom had some sort of competition going as to who could get their hair higher.
    Ah, the seventies. Good times, good times.

    Liked by 1 person

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