Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #484

Carole: “Darling, how thoughtful of you. I’ve always wanted my own personal callus remover. You think of everything.”

Darling: “Actually, I didn’t think of everything. I forgot to call you downstairs when it was time to open presents. Christmas was nearly a month ago.”

Carole: “Really? I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been binge-watching My Name Is Earl and trying to figure out how the hell that show lasted four seasons.”

Darling: “Don’t waste your time. Some mysteries were never meant to be solved, like those vague charges on your phone bill or why people would buy sushi at a convenience store. Still, I seem to be a bit of a mess when it comes to proper etiquette as your husband, and this makes me a tad blue on the days when I’m not drinking. I don’t know why we got married.”

Carole: “Oh, please. We both know the answer to that one. You married me for my trust fund, and I married you because the trust fund stipulates that I marry someone whilst my ovaries still had flight clearance. It was a simple matter of economics, tax evasion, and my absolute boredom with trying to find the proper suitor because I have severe focus issues when it comes to doing the right thing. It’s the American way.”

Darling: “So you don’t mind that I sometimes forget to visit your wing of the mansion for days on end. Or that we have never actually consummated our eternal love?”

Carole: “Of course not. I’m not a fan of sweaty bestiality in the boudoir. I just want to watch my TV shows and be able to order anything I want on eBay and not worry about whether or not I can afford it. This is also the American way. But I do have one request concerning your non-consummation.”

Darling: “Anything, my pet.”

Carole: “When you’re doing the consummation with all those people with whom you are not married, could you tone down the exuberance just a little bit? Despite our separate wings in this manse, your bedroom backs up to my bedroom and it’s rather annoying when the cacophony of your nocturnal nookie overwhelms the soundtrack on the latest episode of Will and Grace. I don’t care who you bang, but I don’t appreciate being unable to clearly hear witty gay banter.”

Darling: “My apologies. I will endeavor to bang with less enthusiasm.”

Carole: “Splendid. Now, I’m off to pleasure myself with your lovely Christmas gift.”

Darling: “You enjoy removing your calluses?”

Carole: “Honey, I was just being polite before, as this is actually a vibrator. I ordered one just like it on eBay last week. But it shorted out during a critical moment while I was binge-watching that Spartacus series where the male actors have no qualms about full frontal .”

Darling: “Oh my. I had no idea what I was getting when I made the transaction.”

Carole: “I think we’ve established that, based on our marriage. It’s been a lovely chat. Same time, next year?”

Darling: “Looking forward to it.”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Some changes made for this post. For the record, that “Spartacus” series (originally on Starz, 2010-2013) is actually quite good, with great story-telling, acting and production values, although a bit brutal at times. (It’s set in the ancient Roman Empire. Life was not easy.) The bohemian attitude towards nudity (of all kinds) is just a minor yet spicy ingredient in the recipe. But I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t pause and rewind a few times. For scholastic research, of course…

P.S. I just now noticed that, um, interesting thing in front of the wrapped gift in the lower middle of the photo. What’s up with all the callus removers in this house?


23 replies »

  1. Life is difficult when lived in black & white. Callus removers, especially in separate wings of the manse, are the best way to relieve the…ummmm… tension.

    I’m not sure the ‘pool boy’ was widely available in black & white days🤔 (and if available, he may have played for the other team😉)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Clearly, I do not watch enough television. Until now, I did not understand the severe handicap it gave me. I’ve only just discovered Schitt’s Creek (I know, right?!), and now I find out I missed full frontal Spartacus?!

    Liked by 2 people

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