Carole: “Darling, how thoughtful of you. I’ve always wanted my own personal callus remover. You think of everything.”
Darling: “Actually, I didn’t think of everything. I forgot to call you downstairs when it was time to open presents. Christmas was nearly a month ago.”
Carole: “Really? I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been binge-watching My Name Is Earl and trying to figure out how the hell that show lasted four seasons.”
Darling: “Don’t waste your time. Some mysteries were never meant to be solved, like those vague charges on your phone bill or why people would buy sushi at a convenience store. Still, I seem to be a bit of a mess when it comes to proper etiquette as your husband, and this makes me a tad blue on the days when I’m not drinking. I don’t know why we got married.”
Carole: “Oh, please. We both know the answer to that one. You married me for my trust fund, and I married you because the trust fund stipulates that I marry someone whilst my ovaries still had flight clearance. It was a simple matter of economics, tax evasion, and my absolute boredom with trying to find the proper suitor because I have severe focus issues when it comes to doing the right thing. It’s the American way.”
Darling: “So you don’t mind that I sometimes forget to visit your wing of the mansion for days on end. Or that we have never actually consummated our eternal love?”
Carole: “Of course not. I’m not a fan of sweaty bestiality in the boudoir. I just want to watch my TV shows and be able to order anything I want on eBay and not worry about whether or not I can afford it. This is also the American way. But I do have one request concerning your non-consummation.”
Darling: “Anything, my pet.”
Carole: “When you’re doing the consummation with all those people with whom you are not married, could you tone down the exuberance just a little bit? Despite our separate wings in this manse, your bedroom backs up to my bedroom and it’s rather annoying when the cacophony of your nocturnal nookie overwhelms the soundtrack on the latest episode of Will and Grace. I don’t care who you bang, but I don’t appreciate being unable to clearly hear witty gay banter.”
Darling: “My apologies. I will endeavor to bang with less enthusiasm.”
Carole: “Splendid. Now, I’m off to pleasure myself with your lovely Christmas gift.”
Darling: “You enjoy removing your calluses?”
Carole: “Honey, I was just being polite before, as this is actually a vibrator. I ordered one just like it on eBay last week. But it shorted out during a critical moment while I was binge-watching that Spartacus series where the male actors have no qualms about full frontal .”
Darling: “Oh my. I had no idea what I was getting when I made the transaction.”
Carole: “I think we’ve established that, based on our marriage. It’s been a lovely chat. Same time, next year?”
Darling: “Looking forward to it.”
Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Some changes made for this post. For the record, that “Spartacus” series (originally on Starz, 2010-2013) is actually quite good, with great story-telling, acting and production values, although a bit brutal at times. (It’s set in the ancient Roman Empire. Life was not easy.) The bohemian attitude towards nudity (of all kinds) is just a minor yet spicy ingredient in the recipe. But I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t pause and rewind a few times. For scholastic research, of course…
P.S. I just now noticed that, um, interesting thing in front of the wrapped gift in the lower middle of the photo. What’s up with all the callus removers in this house?
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
You do love research ! Wasn’t there a movie where the characters met once a year at the Empire State building?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yep, “An Affair to Remember”, 1957. I fully embrace my geeky obsession with trivia, much to the chagrin of the remaining members of my family who are still speaking to me, despite my insistent madness about minutiae…
LikeLiked by 2 people
The 57 version is my favorite and superior to the ones that followed. Hard to beat Kerr and Grant,
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
How committed—scholastic research!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Education is key to a productive life…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Life is difficult when lived in black & white. Callus removers, especially in separate wings of the manse, are the best way to relieve the…ummmm… tension.
I’m not sure the ‘pool boy’ was widely available in black & white days🤔 (and if available, he may have played for the other team😉)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think the world would be a much better place if we took care of that tension on a more regular basis.
As for the pool boys, well, my experience has been that they will clean the leaves out of whatever filter gets them the highest maintenance fee…
LikeLiked by 2 people
“they will clean the leaves out of whatever filter gets them the highest maintenance fee…” classic Lageose.
LikeLiked by 1 person
you are a genius with these
LikeLiked by 1 person
And you are gracious and kind… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
So THAT’S what that thing was that my mother kept tucked far back in the linen closet on the top shelf. A callous remover….huh. She told us it was a massager….which I suppose it doubled as… 😕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m still suffering repercussions from anything I found as a child that confirmed my parents did, indeed, bump uglies…
LikeLike
That’s a nose-hair plucker! My auntie had one, and she never, ever told lies. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would never dream of maligning your vision of your auntie and her possible white lies… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
So that’s what the gleam in her eye is about! Ah. That’s what the buzz about Christmas is. Ah.Ah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Go ahead, take that low road. I’m right behind you… 😉
LikeLike
Clearly, I do not watch enough television. Until now, I did not understand the severe handicap it gave me. I’ve only just discovered Schitt’s Creek (I know, right?!), and now I find out I missed full frontal Spartacus?!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Partner LOVES Schitt’s Creek. (I personally haven’t seen enough episodes to get invested, as that’s just one of the things he does whilst he waits for me to quit screwing around with “my writing”.) The Spartacus thing started out as just a lark, based on a friend’s suggestion, with both of us fully expecting to be completely over it within an episode or two. But the story is really riveting, and we were hooked. The salaciousness was just a bonus…
LikeLiked by 2 people
FFN? Oh, dang. Now I have to check out Spartacus.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anything with Guest, Levy and O’Hara, separately or ensemble, is going to be fantastic.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Agreed. It’s an acquired taste. But then the addiction sets in… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person