Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #463

Ramon: “Hello, my name is Ramon. I am posing in the sexual way on this railing of boat so you will want to see all of my movies and tell others of them.”

Photographer: “What the hell? You don’t need to talk. We’re just doing publicity shots here.”

Ramon: “But I am reading blog on small internet device I have. It say be sexy big time always.”

Photographer: “That’s nice. But you’re holding a pipe, Ramon. If you’re getting an internet signal on that thing, it’s the first pipe to offer a data plan.”

Ramon: “Okay, maybe there be lies. But I feeling sexy mucho.”

Photographer: “I have no idea why. Seagulls are bombarding us with droppings and we are all drenched in sea salt. How are you feeling sexy mucho? Wait, is it because of my outfit? I picked it out special at Victoria’s Secret House of Sexual Ambiguity.”

Ramon: “No, not caring for Victoria’s Secret shame outfit for women who want man who want not woman. Caring more for captain’s wheel and sexy stick-out thing I see.”

Producer, running from below deck and tossing aside the verboten Prohibition martini that he would later claim he had not been imbibing despite the charge to his American Express card: “Ramon, we’ve talked about this. We are in America. You have to pretend to be something you are not or you will never succeed.”

Ramon: “I no like America thinking. Why can I not be of honesty and say things with freedom?”

Producer: “Because there are so many Americans who think freedom only applies to themselves and not to others.”

Ramon: “Es estupido. I thinking things must change.”

Producer: “Then make sure you vote in the next election instead of sitting on the couch and watching Netflix and smoking your Internet pipe.”


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Slight changes made for this post.


17 replies »

  1. you see, here is New Zealand we need to spend 10 minutes talking (complaining) about the terrible weather, and then we can I ask things as how much it costs, how can we get to x or y place, they also remember me about my “American ” English (actually isn’t even American since I was born in Brazil, but is not British for sure). Many friends told me that isn’t polite make direct questions , so I became an assiduous reader of the weather channel…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, you should always ask direct questions. It will annoy the folks who are too self-centered to consider other options, but it will please the folks who are always trying to find the right way to get us through it all, and that’s what really matters…


  2. Yes, we MUST vote, despite discouraging evidence that the whole freakin’ thing is rigged. How else do twigs (“If I only had a brain…”) and the current pool of excrement get in the white house? I’m discouraged, but I’ll be sending in my ‘early’ ballot – those made for those of us who are house-bound (theoretically) and dislike crowds of people with bad breath and that little to no brain phenomenon I referenced earlier. Being a moderate Democrat in Utah is not unlike pissin’ in the wind. Not that I could do THAT either. O_o

    Don Ramon, of uncertain lineage (I detected some Spanish influence, but oddly some Russian too – not that I’m profiling based on language deportment), wandered off to the steering mechanism he lusted for, and locked the door behind him. He then proceeded to do things to the wheel which are not permitted to be written of in family friendly formats such as this. His boys, in need of airing, were released from their loose fitting possible gabardine prison, and all was well. Funky smelling boys are never anyone’s friend. All was well until Ramon, caught up in the throes of uncontrollable wood lust, steered the boat (or ship or whatever) into the rocky shoals off a tiny island where Dr.Moreau promptly captured Ramon and tried to turn him into a jaguar….well both animals are sleek and faintly the pairing was appropriate! The now sullied captain’s wheel sank to the bottom of the bay and was unavailable for comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am enraptured with your envisioning of the further tales (tails?) of Don Ramon. It reminds of me of the time when… well, we don’t really need to go there right at the moment, but suffice it to say that we make really bad choices in the heat of the moment. I’m sure I’ll eventually release the details, as I have an obvious need to overshare, but the fruit is not quite ripe enough for plucking, so to speak… 😉


  3. Agree with comment above, Ramon is sexy mucho and speaking personally, the pipe just adds to his allure. Though his best quality is his ability to recognize estupido when he sees estupido.

    Liked by 1 person

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