1. “I’m sorry, was that you trying to form a complete sentence? My bad. At first I thought someone had run over another armadillo out on Route 9.”
2. “So when the Jesus visions come to you, are they live-action or animated? I’ve always wondered. We don’t get that channel in my house.”
3. “Exactly how many times have you fallen down a flight of stairs?”
4. “Would it help if I used hand puppets?”
5. “Do you have to unhinge your jaw to swallow all that crap on Fox News?”
6. “I’d try to explain it to you, but there are only so many months in a year.”
7. “So when your eyes go blank like that, are you just confused again or are you receiving further orders from the mother ship?”
8. “Good job, Brownie!”
9. “That’s a very interesting talent you have, the ability to selectively forget how things really played out. I bet you can watch the same movie hundreds of times and every experience is a brand-new day.”
10. “I’m assuming you don’t shop at Benetton.”
11. “Change the history textbooks all you want. It won’t change the truth. Dick and Jane really did see Spot run, no matter what you say.”
12. “Now I know where all those misspelled, illogical comment posts come from on YouTube.”
13. “So, does your hatred of Social Security stem from the fact that it’s kept too many liberal voters alive and well?”
14. “Do you understand that the Pilgrims came here to get away from people like you? You’re in the wrong country. Just like Rupert Murdoch.”
15. “At this point, an original thought probably would kill you.”
16. “You’re not a woman or her doctor, so your relevance in this conversation has just expired.”
17. “Do they really let you operate heavy machinery? Well, I know they let you fiddle with voting machines, because that’s part of your basic training, but how about cars and lawnmowers and remote controls?”
18. “When Nancy Reagan said ‘Just Say No’, she wasn’t talking about every piece of legislation that did not come from your own party. She was talking about drugs. I’m sure you know what those are. Because that can be the only explanation for what’s coming out of your mouth right now.”
19. “So, when you were little, was the monster in your closet a bi-racial single parent with a college degree?”
20. “Despite what you think, assuming that you even do, ‘willful ignorance’ is not a trait to be admired. Except by the leaders of your party.”
21. “I’d call you a liar, but wouldn’t that be redundant?”
22. “Let’s make a deal. You don’t tell me who I can love and I won’t tell you that you are the most delusional person on the face of the planet. I think most sane people already agree with both points anyway.”
23. “Just curious. How do you keep from bursting into flames when you walk into a church? Is it the formaldehyde?”
24. “It’s all fun and games right now, running around and being defiant, but sooner or later you’re going to trip over something that will hurt you. It’s called the next election day.”
25. “You want to reclaim America? From whom? The Americans?”
Original Note: Previously published in “The Sound and the Fury” as two separate lists of 25. I condensed things down considerably, tossing out the meaner bits (I was apparently in a bad mood in the summer of 2011) as well as those bits that seemed funny at the time but really weren’t (we all have clunkers in our literary closets, right?). I understand we should all work together. I also understand that one side shouldn’t do all the giving and the other side do all the taking. I’m done with the bully on the playground.
New Note: Despite the passing of nearly a decade, it’s pathetic and sad that most of these lines still apply. And things have only gotten worse since a certain political party has anointed a king that they think can do no wrong. Here’s hoping that there are enough sane people out there who realize that not only does the emperor have no clothes, he’s a delusional egotist who shouldn’t be in charge of a paper bag, let alone a country. He wouldn’t know patriotism if it bit him in the ass. Not that there’s any room for a bite on said ass, what with all the Republican senators and party officials fighting each other for ass-kissing real estate.
There, that’s off my chest. For today.
Cheers, Part Two.