Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #311

The prosecuting attorney dramatically flourished Exhibit A: “As you can see by this photo, drug usage was rampant at the Beverly Hills Tennis Club in 1932!”

Defense Attorney: “And what, other than your well-known alcoholism, led you to this questionable conclusion?”

Prosecution: “First of all, we have Gilbert Roland vainly trying to cover the track marks on his arm! The guilt is oozing from every heroin-clogged pore on his body!”

Defense: “That’s preposterous. He could be doing anything. Scratching at a mosquito bite, rubbing a sore muscle from his own match earlier in the afternoon, or discretely flipping the bird at the Fox News photographer you hired to make something out of nothing. Besides, the phrase ‘track marks’ won’t be invented until later in this century so I object to your anachronistic terminology.”

Judge: “Sustained.”

Prosecution: “And then we have Constance Bennett, who is clearly smoking a marijuana cigarette and sporting opium glasses.”

Defense: “Opium glasses? Did you just pull that out of your ass? Those are sunglasses. Because this is southern California. Where it’s sunny.”

Prosecution: “You didn’t address the marijuana cigarette issue.”

Defense: “I didn’t address it because it looks like a regular cigarette. With tobacco. You know, that perfectly legal substance?”

Prosecution: “It’s hand-rolled!”

Defense: “And so were most cigarettes in 1932. Where the hell did you go to law school? Arkansas?”

Prosecution: “Your Honor, I object to the blaspheming of the glorious state of-”

Judge: “Overruled. Nobody can take Arkansas seriously because they will eventually produce Mike Huckabee, who is wretched enough, but then he will produce Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and that can never be forgiven, ever.”

Prosecution: “Fine. In my final example of blatant malfeasance, I direct your attention to the woman wearing the white hat. She is clearly Greta Garbo, and we all know that Greta is a recluse who never leaves her house!

Defense: “Greta won’t initiate the hermit routine for another ten years. What ARE you babbling about?”

Prosecution: “Because Greta was born in Benghazi! Hillary Clinton needs to answer for this!”

Judge: “Okay, that’s it. I’m dismissing the case. Any sane person would realize that there are no merits in these accusations. Mr. Prosecutor, gather your little conspiracy papers and take your meds. You’re done here. Bailiff, please escort Ted Cruz out of the courtroom.”

Ted: “But I’m a Republican United States Senator! I can say whatever I want and I don’t have to prove anything and you can’t stop me.”

Judge: “Yes you do, and I just did. Now go. Oh, and Bailiff, please do a thorough cavity search on Mr. Cruz to see if he has any funny rolled cigarettes. He’s clearly smoking something. Case dismissed.”

Later that night, as they always do, Fox News aired extremely-edited footage of the day’s events. All of Ted’s statements were accompanied by superimposed images of the Bible and an AK-47. Any comments from the judge and the defense were completely deleted.

And so it goes…


Previously published in “Crusty Pie” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Revised and extended for this post. And despite what appears to be the traditional snark and exaggeration found here at Bonnywood, this is actually an accurate depiction of the narcotizing, baseless pablum that the Republican Party feeds to its constituents.




20 replies »

  1. I scan the ‘news’ just about every day. Its SO bad for my blood pressure. I’m not a violent person for McConnell & Trump’s smarmy faces drop a curtain of rage over my vision and make me wanna go Ides Of March on them.

    Frustration Level: Chernobyl

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I listen to CNN quite a bit when I’m in the car. But one day last week I chose instead to listen to Fox News. It was hard to believe they were talking about the same POTUS events. CNN certainly sees things their way, and I think they are more accurate. Fox was way Out there and I just couldn’t believe the spin they put on the impeachment results.

    What are they smoking at Fox?

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s just amazing how Fox News/The Republican Party has created a completely alternate universe, one that should crumble when faced with facts. But some folks don’t want the truth. They want validation for their own immorality, and that’s a hard battle to fight…

      Liked by 1 person

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