Editor’s Note 1: After receiving my 4,000th unsolicited email from obvious scammers who just as obviously haven’t bothered to learn the language of the person they are nefariously targeting, I decided it was time for a response. (By no means should this post be considered a mocking of those who are learning and exploring a secondary language with good intentions in mind. There is a huge difference.)
Dear Kindest Friend,
I am of thanks you told winning I did lottery for major dollars. Jesus praise! Good and yay. But must be saying Jesus touched me of many times weeks of recent. I am happy so because money was little for me long time and needed more. Now can buy lung set for soldier brother who serve country but then no people care when war stop and he not jobbing. I am graceful and loving for big money surprise.
But there thing is one still must say. Because I of riches now, no more need more winning and prizes. Buy anything want now. Buy cars and castle and partner for loving in new bed. Lots money can spend and giving to friends like nothing. So stop please sending emails of opportunities and settlements and dying people give cash for free. No want hear more. Send extra Jesus money to children no parents and starving.
Plus and more, not of understanding some emails you breach me. Like such, that of when you trapped in London airport and peoples not help you? And send email you for me send cash. Why of this? Need cash, go banking and get monies. Not email, slow and not good. That reason of banking, money. And if no bank you like or like you, ask peoples on street for dollars. London peoples have many of these. One give you some maybe.
Or such, if yearn and despairing because no giving, then sell body for fornication and senses pleasure. Many give lots money for bang-bang. Smile and work hard and cash you have. For biggest cash let be tied up and be spanking in school girl dresses.
And other emails you shove, about peoples I not know relative but dead now and money leftover. I am not of relations with those peoples. Never hear ever. Why not-knowing peoples give me foreign cashes? Suspicion for them. If know relatives with much cashes, I living with them would be, not in dense apartment with no spaces for livestock. So no know these peoples. Sorry for dead but not know.
And not understand other emails of people in army need monies. Happy you serve country, yay good and thanking, but why need monies? Army give mens and womans all equipment and blankets needed because Dick Cheney sell to army all needed for big prices. Not want of anything. Even have movie stars and country singing people come dance and be pretty for army people when army people not shooting and running. Why ask for monies? This is of fishes smelling.
More of, stop please emails with Credit Card Lords writing with my card not be working and want send my special information that is private secret. But I’m not having these cards with banks named this. This is lying and not justice. Stupid for me send anything and then savage men take things not their belonging and I live on dirty street with other stupid senders of private secret numbers. This is sadness not wanted.
More now I am thinking. I am very happiness winning Jesus lottery and thankful that cash stacked in spare room. Blessings many from Jesus Man. But why now are some of the Jesus People wanting some of my monies back to them? I’m not thinking Jesus would give to me riches then want some returning of riches. Why this?
Can be that some Jesus People not understand what Jesus want of them to do? Maybe even some Jesus People not reading Jesus Book of doing udder others so they udder you in sameness. I am not of sureness. But I am of sureness that tired I be of emails from people not Jesus Man but thinking they know what He is wanting for my life. I talk Jesus Man only. Hotline. Other peoples not in calling plan.
And this of last phrasing. Again happy for you and Jesus Lottery and money for the spending anytime. Yay and good. But thinking not goodness for email any more with you. My English is not of right since time we wrote first, when poor I still was being. I am knowing English not native language of yours even though trying you are to pretend English for scam and fooling slow people not thinking right. My using English was great and pretty before pollution of you not knowing words and phrases and whole language, using crappy web translator tool of cheapness. Now infection of your bad is me in, and confused all times putting of words right places be should.
So, write no more, lost London peoples with no banks for using, and fighting army peoples who not don’t understand they in land of Iraq because Little Bush still mad that Big Bush lose first time. And other peoples saying Christian workers in Africa but not really and being in Texas just want scamming and credit card important numbers, and people of dead status writing not-true wills leaving fortune to strangers like me. These are all of lying and cheatness for innocent peoples who just want email checking, not spam of your badness. You are not of rightness.
Suggesting you IM with Jesus Man and have meeting special for you. He tell you of importance not lying and cheating and the grammar wreckage. Maybe help. But of leastness he serving sandwiches usage cucumbers and tea of greenness, so you win with fullness even if still foolish…
In honoring kindness and effort friendship,
Jedediah Roquefort Bangagong, Esquire
Disciples of Latter Quaker Society for the Transfer of Monetary Funds Not Mine
Nairobi, Kenya (according to my fake IP address anyway)
S.P. If you find you be of arresting by officers of police, must deleting this email so not jailing and darkness. Please you and thank.
Previously published in “The Sound and the Fury” and “Bonnywood Manor”. Slight changes made for this post. Comment like be you scam mans and womens, if can and want.
Chairs.
Categories: Humor
Bonnywood Manor 
Deariest Man,
Laugh many times did I, like scenario of famous notes all right but order not right necessarily.
Which difficultness of implementing is requiring many good routine skills as quantities of large time composing comments of shortness directly for examples.
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Tin of Bryn,
Salad nations! Much thanking for box using comments. I grasping much of you saying but points of fog some. But okay. Knowing of fog long time and not caring. Much blessing of family you own and livestock. Happy all!
Man of La Muncha
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Edification granted with moving pictures medium if internetting linkage grants ogling license. https://www.chortle.co.uk/video/2019/02/28/42422/morecambe_&_wise_&_andre_previn
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hahahahahahahaha
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Please you and thank! 🙃
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Too funny. What’s not funny is that my like button isn’t working.
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My Like not working either. Lost in translation, like as not?
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Leggy and Verse,
Me too of not understanding of not work button. Make me want slapping of WordPress peoples. Press in name! Make press work!
Jed
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And WP just asked me if I was happy with how they resolved my problem, but I haven’t even heard from them.
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I always enjoy your posts, but this one is up there with the very best, Brian. Fun laughs much had, money mail not in 😉
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Thanks, Clive. This was a rather satisfying lark.
Okay mail not have money. Thinking of you shifty and gassy now, but friends be stilling.
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LOL! Was this as hard to write as it was to read?
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It did take me a little bit to get it just right… 😉
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This- “I talk Jesus Man only. Hotline. Other peoples not in calling plan.” 😂🤣😂🤣
Thanks for the giggles! They’re much appreciated in this very trying time of school closure😱
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We all have to do what we can to help each other through this frustrating madness, and giggling is one of the best ways…
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I have much played with princes from Nigeria. Laugh to me while at computer sending the condolences of much. Waiting prince and much money still. From eyes, much tears fall. 😰
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Am sad for tear falling. Terrible and woe. But caution not messing with princes live Nigeria. Bad peoples and mean. Play me! I be of nice and cook own foods. And down the seating of toilet always!
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Deal! You have. I idea what it’s like to sit down on a cold piece of porcelain in the middle of the night. I swore and declared that the next time it happened…I was going to pee on someone’s face! (Never did…dammit.)
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Me sad Mr Esquire your apartment not enough livestock room. Not exactly fish smelling.
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Livestock big problem. Everywhere! And noise making when having special time with partner. Terrible and no concentrate and mess up. Partner no happy and door slamming.
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Kindest of Telephoning Person Who Wishes to Inform Only. Tips acceptable. Why you calling my number? I needs have none of you kindest of offers. I owe no monies due to recent Jesus Holy Man winnings, so it is of great confusion to me why you say I owe. I rich. Rich do not have owing of monies nor favors to other such. I think you tell big lie. Which mean you pants will catch alight and burn you in places most tender. I hang up now. Bye bye and please to not call me any more.
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You sounding of sister I always wanting and knowing be somewhere not here. Happy be I with news of maybe found. Rumors of quiet in family of grandpa of friskiness. Maybe truth in frisky? Not knowing but still happy maybe sister.
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Pleased am I to find long lost brother of whom I didn’t know of. Share my Jesus Holy Man winnings with you, I would, but someone with color of skin most ugly – orange – took it all to give to friends he calls them but suck faces I call them, because they cars of most high value and speed need fuel. Orange liar monkey man say it taxes, but I know things most damning about monkey man. He have me killed should I spill though. I welcome you other brother of a different mother from grandpa of friskiness.
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I likely muchly your com passion for people trying to learn English turly; big difference indeed there is, hmm? Many times this post me to laugh did make. J.
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Never of goodness when making funny of peoples learning new things for reasons of pleasant. Wanted make clear. Happy for many times of laugh!
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I almost laughed into a coughing fit. 🙂 Thanks for the sniggles, Dear. Sniggles = giggles + snorts
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It is my goal in life to increase the level of sniggling in the world… 😉
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😀 You succeed!!!
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Nigerian Prince letter, letter from Jerusalem,Grand Ponzi Giveaway Scheme, all lead to Sheikh down. (Happy- go- lottery winner like post muchly; sadely ‘Like’ button on jolly post not for to be fu- func- funksheon- working…)
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Bitter being me for Like button of crapiness. Hiring of lawyer for suing and maybe get many livestock for suffer trauma.
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I love this piece! So well done! 🙂
Not only have I experienced this type of email scam, but about three months ago I got an aggressive phone message (from Revenue Canada, natch) telling me that if I didn’t pay my tax bill, I would be going to prison. All I had to do was pay it through a special processing system … (going to prison for unpaid tax bills does not exist here).
Unfortunately, lots of people get intimidated (esp. the elderly) and pay. And pay. And pay again. And who usually aren’t very well off at all to begin with. These charlatan creeps deserve to have their nether regions nailed to a wall. Must be related to that deluded orange virus hunter who keeps showing up on the news. 😉
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Tell them what the special payment system is, Lynette. That alone will cost you 10 IQ points. RevCan (the Federal Government) is accepting prepaid iTunes cards. You just pay for them, take them home, scan the security numbers on the backs, (to prove that you will actually mail/send/deliver them to a government office) and email the picture back to “Revenue Canada “
The son suggested going to the store, lifting several unpaid blanks, scanning them, and laughing when Mr. Nigeria tries to redeem them. 😯 😆
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I like your son’s idea! 🙂
My M also got a similar call. He played with them for about ten minutes and then hung up. They had the audacity to phone back and tell him that the cops were coming to arrest him!!
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The scamming of the elderly just makes me livid. And the worst of it is not the scammers, but the fact that (at least here in America) nobody is really doing anything about it. We have the technology and the resources to shut this crap down. But the politicians (on both sides, just being fair) would rather focus on politics instead of justice.
Sorry for the mini-rant. This is just a button for me.
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Mr. and/or Mrs. Brian Lagohless,
Youre scam do make us big happy very.
We have received a request from 69.168.254.105 for subscription of
your email address to the
gimme@gimmegimme.com mailing list. To confirm that you want to be
added to this mailing list, simply reply to this message, keeping the
Subject: header intact and send bitcoin $804 to Lord be praise
Jesus
thank you
Your good friend
CAthi
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I want much very to bite coin sending, but am maybe marry Belgian prince of internet and not know how much costing, must save bites for me for the now. Maybe later happen? Will email gimmegimee when knowing more clear. Thanking for concern share, Cat Hi. Sing of praise you after done the watching of World Cup…
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“Chairs” LOLOL I am dying
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I love it when you catch the tiny little bits…
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