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Brian stood on stage at the front of the auditorium, sighing contentedly. It almost felt like home. Especially since there was no one else in the auditorium. Just like home.
Wait, that’s a lie. Someone was walking down one of the aisles. “Howdy!” said Ellen DeGeneres. “Whatcha doin’ up there?”
Brian: “Well, I was waiting for… I didn’t actually catch the name, but I’m waiting for someone to get back from the loo.”
Ellen: “I bet it’s a woman. Women always take forever, what with all the prep work and then the post-op procedures. Can I join you on the stage? I like stages.”
Brian: “I suppose that would be okay, but you might have to sign an insurance-”
“Great!” Ellen performs a stunning quadruple backflip (impromptu gymnastics was just another checkmark on her list of amazing talents) and lands perfectly next to Brian, not a hair out of place. (Unseen offstage, Simone Biles growls and tightens her grip on her chest of gold medals, lest anyone thinks she might not deserve a couple of them.) “Hey, are you holding a script? I like scripts. Can I see it?”
Brian: “I’m not sure that-”
She snatches the pages away. “Sharing is caring!” She quickly scans the entire thing, as speed-reading was another of her checkmarks. “I want to present the next category. It’s about entertainment. I like entertainment.”
Brian: “Are you sure? Don’t you have a show to work on?”
Ellen: “Everyone’s on hiatus right now, haven’t you heard?” She gently shoves Brian away from the podium and then faces the empty audience. “Okay, Twitch, play me some intro music.”
Brian: “You brought your DJ with you?”
Ellen: “He’s always around somewhere. Just like Portia. But I don’t sleep with him.”
Peppy, chirpy music fills the air. Ellen does a few dance steps, grinning happily, and then she signals for Twitch to quit twitching. She then begins her oratory, adopting an odd British accent because she once saw Tina Turner do that at the Grammy Awards and she thought it might be fun to do so now.
“MOVIES. This is, well, about movies. Movies you’ve seen, movies you want to see, movies that nobody should ever see, movie reviews, websites about movies, websites about the Golden Age of Hollywood, websites about silent films, film festivals, movie blogathons that you might be hosting and… hold up…” [Ellen reaches up to adjust her previously-unnoticed hearing aid so she can better understand what the show producer is saying.] “Uh huh. Uh huh. Got it.” [She drops her hand.] “Apparently this section also involves TV movies and TV series and documentaries and all things TV. It would have been nice if that information had been in the script.” [She briefly glares at Brian.] “Anyway, moving on.”
“MUSIC. This is just like the movie suggestions, except the focus is on music. Links to songs online. Links to albums. Music reviews. Music websites. Music videos. Lists of personal favorites. Lyrics that speak to you in one way or another and…” [Her hand goes to her ear once more.] “Hold up again. Lyrics are speaking to me right now in a song from my producer. Uh huh. Uh huh. Got it.” [Hand drops.] “Apparently we should pause so you can peruse a helpful hint from one of our technicians.”
[Helpful Hint from Heloise: With most WordPress themes, the best way to import a video into the comments is to paste the URL on its own line that is separate from the rest of your text, with a blank line above it and blank line below it. Unless the video is already on your laptop or device, in which case you should upload it into your WordPress gallery and go from there.]
Ellen, muttering about young infidels trying to upstage her, then: “Done with that mess? Okay, moving on.
MEANDERINGS. I guess the scriptwriter” [glares at Brian] “chose that word to fit the alliteration of the blog post title, but what he really means right here is ‘travel’. Stories about places you’ve been or want to go, stories about the absurd things that happened during your adventures, advice on the best places to retire if you don’t want to stay where you are right now. Travel websites, travel apps that are very satisfying, the best places to go for the money, tips on how to save money once you get there and realize you might not have enough money to stay there if you don’t get creative. And photo collections that concern any and all of the above.
Of course, most of us can’t travel right now, and we shouldn’t. But once this madness lifts and the world is relatively safe, we will want to travel again. Probably even more than before, now that these travel restrictions have taught us that we shouldn’t take for granted any opportunities we might have to see the world. And it will be a good thing to help the travel industry and local businesses who depend on tourism to bet back on their feet. If you don’t already have a travel bucket list, maybe you should think about starting one.”
[Ellen’s hand rises once more.] “Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh! Got it.” [She turns to Brian.] “Well, gotta run.”
Brian: “Are you bored? Was it something I said or didn’t write in the script?”
Ellen: “Oh, no, not at all. This is fun. But you know what’s more fun? Jambalaya. And Producer just let me know that Craft Services just dragged a big ole vat of it into the Green Room. I’ll be back for the wrap up at the end of the presentation. But I should warn you now that I might be a bit gassy and you should take necessary precautions.”
Brian: “But there’s a shortage of gas masks!”
Ellen: “That never stopped Mickey and Judy from putting on their song and dance shows in a smelly barn. Suck it up, you’ll be fine. Toodles.” She exits, stage left.
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