Humor

The Corona Chronology: Day 3

Reporter, offscreen: “Kirk, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

Kirk Douglas: “That’s your job, isn’t it? I don’t have time for people who don’t know what they’re doing. Which is why I’m not a fan of the Trump Administration.”

Reporter: “Okay, great, let’s get right to it. Why the hell are you way out in the Colorado Desert wearing nothing but your underwear?”

Kirk: “I’m practicing social distancing. You’ve heard of the Covid-19 virus, right? Or do you work for Fox News, where they call it the ‘Democratic Hoax’ fake-virus?”

Reporter: “Oh, I know all about it. I actually went to journalism school where we learned about things called ‘facts’ and ‘truth’ and ‘social responsibility’. Unlike the automatons on Fox who have a transmission plug shoved up their back forty so they can download and then mechanically repeat the propaganda stream from the White House.”

Kirk: “Good answer. I might actually like you at some point. Just don’t step any closer to the fence. Six feet, buddy.”

Reporter: “Got it, not moving. But really, Kirk, aren’t you taking it a little too far, with this move-out-to-the-desert thing?”

Kirk: “Maybe. But there is an amazing amount of stupid people in the world, and many of them are refusing to shelter in place. Because they’re stupid. And they have no concept of personal responsibility. I’m not jeopardizing my ass because some infected idiot isn’t showing signs of the virus and thinks it’s perfectly fine to run the streets like this isn’t a time when you shouldn’t be doing anything that isn’t absolutely necessary.”

Reporter: “Hey, that’s a great quote. I’ll probably lead with that in my story.”

Kirk: “I’d rather you lead with something else. This is also the time when you should be checking on everyone that you love and care about, your family and your friends. Hell, even your neighbors, even if you don’t really know them. There are people who can’t get out at all, and maybe you can ease that burden a little bit with your own runs to the grocery store. Just make wise choices and play safe with others.”

Reporter: “Wow, you are full of wisdom today.”

Kirk: “It’s not wisdom. It’s decency, a concept that is sorely lacking with the Trump Administration. Once again, the people will have to rise above the failures of supposed leaders who fail to rise. Do what you can, whenever you can. And wear a face mask when you leave your house.”

Reporter: “But you’re not wearing a mask and you’re not in your house.”

Kirk: “Oh, I’m wearing a mask. It just slipped own a little bit. You sweat a lot when you’re in the desert.”

Reporter: “Ah, got it. So, your mask is now your jock strap. Not that I’m judging.”

Kirk: “Your cameraman is certainly judging. He keeps focusing on my dangly bits. I can hear the zooming from here.”

Cameraman: “Sorry, my bad. It’s just that I haven’t had sex since Covid-3 and my mind, and my lens, wanders a bit.”

Kirk: “No worries. We all have certain urges that need satisfaction. But right now, we have to modulate and pace ourselves and wait. We all want long, healthy lives, and sometimes that means we must do things we don’t like in order to keep doing things we do like in the long run. It’s all about the bigger picture.”

Reporter: “Speaking of bigger things, that slipped-down mask is pretty full. Is that all you, or is it the work of the movie studio prop department?”

Kirk: “Oh, it’s all me. That’s why my credits appear before the movie title.”

 

Note: Yes, that IS Kirk Douglas, boldly strutting outside his personal trailer during the filming of “There Was a Crooked Man” in 1970. Photo source and additional information can be found here.

Be safe. Be wise. Be kind. Be Kirk.

 

31 replies »

  1. ‘It’s not wisdom, it’s decency …’ amidst the titters, guffaws and snortlets you have me (not to mention the eyeful Kirk is exhibiting) that’s the hub, the nub and the heart of this piece and I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First time I see that picture ….absolutely fantastic.As for the cameraman I suggest him to move to Holland as now they pass by law sex is right and so you can visit your mistress😉

    Liked by 1 person

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