As dawn broke, so did the news that the bumbling Trump Administration had finally located the supposed national stockpile of ventilators that are so desperately needed during the current crisis. Turns out, the technology of the stockpile was a bit dated. That being the case, one of the few staffers in said administration that was not related to Donald but still had some minimal degree of authority decided that a conference call should be scheduled, pronto. (With “pronto” meaning “as soon as we figure out the Trump resort where Donald is fiddling with golf balls while New York City burns”.)
Three days later, Trump was located, mainly by following the trail of discarded Whopper wrappers and depleted Chick-fil-A sauce packets. Three days after that, another non-relative figured out how to set up a conference call and the meeting began. The following is not an official transcript of the call, because there have been no official transcripts since January 20th, 2017, but is instead the recounting of one of the 27 thousand people that Trump has fired because they didn’t lick hard enough.
Trump, belching and not even bothering to hide it: “This better be good. I don’t like being interrupted when I’m about to grab something.”
Chief of Staff Mark Meadows (the 23rd person to hold such title since that cold January day): “Um, yeah, you know those ventilators that the Democrats are bitching about? Turns out that the ones we have are a bunch of crap.”
Trump: “Can we blame Obama?”
Meadows: “Sure. That usually works for our fanatic followers.”
Mitt Romney, the lone Republican Senator who voted to impeach the Whopper Wrangler: “Hold up. We would have had plenty of working ventilators if you hadn’t dismantled the very organization that was responsible for preparing this country for a pandemic.”
Trump: “I never did that. Obama did it.”
Mitt: “Yes, you did. In 2018.”
Trump: “Mark, fire whoever is talking.”
Mark: “It would give me great pleasure, Master.”
Mitt: “You can’t fire me. I’m a United States Senator. And your actions are in the record books. One of the few that you haven’t destroyed in your never-ending quest to rewrite history.”
Trump: “Fine. But I can muzzle you. Just like I’ve muzzled the right to freedom of speech for anyone who works for me. Mark?”
Mark quickly snatches up a bagel on the conference table, one that had been drying out since the “Trump is the New Jesus!” meeting earlier in the day, and shoves it into Mitt’s mouth, severely reducing his oxygen intake. (No one else around the table notices the sudden symbolism this represents, reenacting as it does one of the horrid symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, because they wouldn’t be working for the Trump Administration if they actually cared about the citizens of this country.)
Trump: “Are we done here? I just noticed a blonde on a golf cart behind me that I haven’t grabbed.”
Mark: “Well, we still need some spin control on why our national stockpile of ventilators sucks because you got rid of them. I’m sorry, I meant to say that Obama got rid of them. But we have to tell the reporters something. Even your prayer circle at Fox News is questioning this angle.”
Trump: “Lie about it. It’s always worked for me.”
Jared Kushner, son-in-law of The Grabber and confirmed Ass-Licker Extraordinaire, to the point that his tongue has carpal-tunnel syndrome: “Hey, maybe I should get on the news, even though I’m not qualified in any way, other than being a major donor to your election campaign just like everyone else in your administration, and say that the national stockpile belongs to us and not the states.”
Trump: “Oh, I like that. I’ll let you stay married to my pretty and sexy daughter for another 30 days. But don’t get too cocky. I’m the king of the world, and don’t you forget it.”
Click.
Click, click, click, click, click.
Conference Call Moderator: “I still detect someone on the line. Is there something I can help you with?”
Mitt: “Mmmpfh!”
Note: While I obviously took some liberties with reality here, it’s immensely sad that most of it has an underlying truth. The Grabber has failed miserably, and people have unnecessarily died because the leader of our nation doesn’t have a clue and, more importantly, doesn’t care. Please remember in November.
Categories: Humor
Bonnywood Manor 
To become a true Trumpeteer he requires a pledge of fealty and unquestioning loyalty, and a lobotomy helps. In fact I believe it’s now a necessity. If it’s good enough for the boss…
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Of course, now that there’s a shortage of hospital beds, the lobotomies have been downgraded to non-essential procedures. But they’ll find a way around it, I’m sure…
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Sadly a huge underlying truth. Remember November.
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The fierce loyalty of his followers is still mind-boggling to this day…
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What he has done, or rather, not done, is criminal. Lock him up.
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Yes, from here in Australia I must agree!
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At the very least, he’s guilty of criminal negligence, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. But nothing can be done as long as the Republicans control the Senate…
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This is very sad – not just for America, but for the whole World. If we can’t conquer this beast, then the World will never be safe again.
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And that’s the base truth of it, the sadness. So much unnecessary suffering…
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If this wasn’t so close to the truth… it would be funny. That being said, I heard he found FDR’s stockpile of iron lungs and plans on sending them to California.
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Of course, before he sends them, he’ll have to figure out where California might be on the map…
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We have a similarly brain dead family in the UK.
PM’s father today says ‘Well, now my son has been in intensive care, perhaps the British people will realise this virus is serious now…’
Ummm… we’re on nearly 8,000 dead already Stanley, NHS staff exhausted and without proper protective gear or enough ventilators, muzzled from talking about it honestly to the press, all due to your son not actually taking it seriously to start with.
Your otherwise incredibly fortunate son obviously inherited all his intelligence from you.
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Sigh. Yep, deja vu all over again…
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sad is right, and not so far off!
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Thanks, Beth. We seem to be slipping further and further into unreality…
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My fear is that once again, the popular vote will be against him, but the cabal of evil (or maybe it should be capitalized… Cabal Of Evil) will twist the win again.
I was sad to see Bernie drop out, but I’ll be voting anyway, like I always do.
I’m so glad I live in California!
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You’re probably right about the vote, but hoping otherwise. That damn Electoral College.
Bernie didn’t really drop out, though, in the big picture. He’s not going to stay quiet…
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The Irony of Mighty Mitt being the voice of reason is breaking what is left of the gray cells inhabiting my skull.
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Right? Down is the new up and all that…
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Someone should take away Trump’s INventilator — then he’d have to either fabricate plausible whoppers on his own (not that he cares if they’re plausible), or bring in an acting inventilator. Not that it much matters — his base wouldn’t know the difference any more than it does now.
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Oh, I like that, “inventilator”. I could really run with that, and I just might do so if you don’t mind… 😉
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Invent(ilator) away!
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“Didn’t lick hard enough.” Laughing my eyes out while rolling on the floor! 😂
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Impromptu aerobics are good for the soul… 😉
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You Americans should sue your own President for such horrific negligence as he is demonstrating 😦
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We tried, in a way, but the impeachment was blocked by the partisan Senate.
But once he is out of office, game on….
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Two thumbs up…
if Boris can catch it, why can’t the orange thing?
Worse would be better.
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I would imagine the virus is scared of what causes Trump to have that orange hue and is steering clear…
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It is indeed a smart virus!
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I understand your position against Trump.
I found this video, now that we are in quarantine in Spain a lot to get bored hence I watch not only these videos but a log of porn…. just making a bit of light of it, you might find this video interesting, not only this one about the Corona virus but others that are I think good sources, these Cheneese knew it (at least) from November of last year, there is more to that phrasing but if I explain too much this can become a paper for political science, the Chineese already knew it, Trump unlike other presidents pushed China on trade, and always go for the money if you want for governments and people make countries, hence the Chineese figured how not only to not get screwed with the trade war, they are willing to kill millions of people in order for them to later come on top as the domination nation, and the only one in the world wich is kind of scary. Like a Hitler but a thousand times worst.
See it when you can and if you want. It is literally a World War 3 perpetrated by the Chineese and there are other actors included.
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Well, as can be seen above, people will spin stories in whatever way meets their worldview. It’s a terrifying truth but also a lesson to ourselves to always be on guard lest we fall victim to it as well.
I hadn’t planned on writing something serious, but then I read the above and…
*heavy sigh*
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Throughout all this mess, I keep hoping that some good will come of it. At the very least, there should be a huge spotlight on medical-care inequality in this country, which is a disgrace. A disproportionate number of the victims became so because they have never had equal access to care in their entire lives, resulting in all those “underlying conditions”…
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