As dawn broke, so did the news that the bumbling Trump Administration had finally located the supposed national stockpile of ventilators that are so desperately needed during the current crisis. Turns out, the technology of the stockpile was a bit dated. That being the case, one of the few staffers in said administration that was not related to Donald but still had some minimal degree of authority decided that a conference call should be scheduled, pronto. (With “pronto” meaning “as soon as we figure out the Trump resort where Donald is fiddling with golf balls while New York City burns”.)
Three days later, Trump was located, mainly by following the trail of discarded Whopper wrappers and depleted Chick-fil-A sauce packets. Three days after that, another non-relative figured out how to set up a conference call and the meeting began. The following is not an official transcript of the call, because there have been no official transcripts since January 20th, 2017, but is instead the recounting of one of the 27 thousand people that Trump has fired because they didn’t lick hard enough.
Trump, belching and not even bothering to hide it: “This better be good. I don’t like being interrupted when I’m about to grab something.”
Chief of Staff Mark Meadows (the 23rd person to hold such title since that cold January day): “Um, yeah, you know those ventilators that the Democrats are bitching about? Turns out that the ones we have are a bunch of crap.”
Trump: “Can we blame Obama?”
Meadows: “Sure. That usually works for our fanatic followers.”
Mitt Romney, the lone Republican Senator who voted to impeach the Whopper Wrangler: “Hold up. We would have had plenty of working ventilators if you hadn’t dismantled the very organization that was responsible for preparing this country for a pandemic.”
Trump: “I never did that. Obama did it.”
Mitt: “Yes, you did. In 2018.”
Trump: “Mark, fire whoever is talking.”
Mark: “It would give me great pleasure, Master.”
Mitt: “You can’t fire me. I’m a United States Senator. And your actions are in the record books. One of the few that you haven’t destroyed in your never-ending quest to rewrite history.”
Trump: “Fine. But I can muzzle you. Just like I’ve muzzled the right to freedom of speech for anyone who works for me. Mark?”
Mark quickly snatches up a bagel on the conference table, one that had been drying out since the “Trump is the New Jesus!” meeting earlier in the day, and shoves it into Mitt’s mouth, severely reducing his oxygen intake. (No one else around the table notices the sudden symbolism this represents, reenacting as it does one of the horrid symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, because they wouldn’t be working for the Trump Administration if they actually cared about the citizens of this country.)
Trump: “Are we done here? I just noticed a blonde on a golf cart behind me that I haven’t grabbed.”
Mark: “Well, we still need some spin control on why our national stockpile of ventilators sucks because you got rid of them. I’m sorry, I meant to say that Obama got rid of them. But we have to tell the reporters something. Even your prayer circle at Fox News is questioning this angle.”
Trump: “Lie about it. It’s always worked for me.”
Jared Kushner, son-in-law of The Grabber and confirmed Ass-Licker Extraordinaire, to the point that his tongue has carpal-tunnel syndrome: “Hey, maybe I should get on the news, even though I’m not qualified in any way, other than being a major donor to your election campaign just like everyone else in your administration, and say that the national stockpile belongs to us and not the states.”
Trump: “Oh, I like that. I’ll let you stay married to my pretty and sexy daughter for another 30 days. But don’t get too cocky. I’m the king of the world, and don’t you forget it.”
Click, click, click, click, click.
Conference Call Moderator: “I still detect someone on the line. Is there something I can help you with?”
Note: While I obviously took some liberties with reality here, it’s immensely sad that most of it has an underlying truth. The Grabber has failed miserably, and people have unnecessarily died because the leader of our nation doesn’t have a clue and, more importantly, doesn’t care. Please remember in November.