Humor

The Corona Chronology: Day 13

Ella: “Look, buddy, I’m a busy girl. I don’t have time for some fool that just wants to yank my chain.”

Buddy: “I’m not yanking anything. I just asked you where the bathroom was in this bar, that’s all.”

Ella: “Well, that could be code. You might want something more.”

Buddy: “Not really. I just need to pee. I’ve had a couple Harvey Wallbangers. And those things race through you faster than bad potato salad at a church picnic.”

Ella: “So you do need me.”

Buddy: “For what? Look, if you don’t know where the bathroom is then-”

Ella: “You’ve got the runs. And I’m a gal who can help you with that.”

Buddy: “What in the hell are you talking about?”

Ella: “You just said you had some bad mayo at a church picnic. That can get messy. I know a guy who can clean it up. You interested?”

Buddy: “I’m interested in figuring out where you’re going with this. I haven’t been to church and no potatoes have died on my account. I was just making a joke, one that apparently didn’t work out as I planned.”

Ella: “You shouldn’t make fun of the church. I used to be a good girl. Until I wasn’t. I miss the days when I could wear white and sing about redemption. I had so many dreams.”

Buddy: “And I think I’m having one now. But I would like it to end. So, if you’ll excuse, I’m just going to go my own way and find the bathroom without talking to… anybody.”

Ella: “There’s no toilet paper in there.”

Buddy: “Well, that’s okay. I shouldn’t really need any. Just a zip and a spit. Unless my body is firing off the wrong signals. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Ella: “There’s no toilet paper anywhere. This naked city is a desert and lots of people are thirsty.”

Buddy: “I don’t know if we should go that far. But you might want to go to a therapist. There are specialists who can help you with whatever visions you’re having.”

Ella: “I can hook you up.”

Buddy: “With what? Syphilis?”

Ella: “With toilet paper. I know a guy.”

Buddy: “Oh. Perhaps you should have led with that instead of all these synaptic misfires. Tell me more. My personal stash is getting a bit thin. Just like my patience with the government.”

Ella: “It’ll cost ya.”

Buddy: “That’s okay. I’ve managed to put aside some money, mainly because most of the bars are closed these days. It’s really a lot cheaper to just make your own drinks at home. I’m surprised this place was even open.”

Ella: “I’m always open.”

Buddy: “And I’m not surprised. Still, break it down for me.”

Ella: “You give me twenty bucks and I give you an address.”

Buddy: “That reminds me of my college days.”

Ella: “I don’t care. Then you go there, and you knock three times on the ceiling.”

Buddy: “Twice on the pipes?”

Ella: “And then the answer is go. Up the stairs. To an unmarked door. Well, they’re all unmarked, so it can be a little tricky, but I’m sure you can figure it out. Then you hand over another twenty, and they’ll give you two rolls of pristine, low-roughage sanitation salvation.”

Buddy: “Forty bucks, total? That sounds a little high. Even in these times.”

Ella: “They have a frequent plyer program. After three visits, they throw in a bottle of hand sanitizer.”

Buddy: “Oh? I’m all in. Here’s my first twenty.”

Ella: “Don’t give it to me. Give it to the bartender. Union regulations. And thank you for flying Charmin Airlines.”

Buddy: “Got it. Should I tip you or…”

Ella: “You’ve already given me a tip, making it very clear that capitalism is all about making the right amoral choices at the right time.”

Buddy approaches the bartender, who is happily arranging shot glasses whilst humming a ditty about the joys of turning a national health crisis into yet another scam that will benefit his bank account. Buddy: “Are you the man with a plan?”

Donald Trump: “Are you kidding? I never plan for anything. Why bother, when I can do the most wretched things imaginable and my sheeple will still worship every word that I belch.”

Buddy: “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Donald: “I say you owe me another twenty bucks just for not having you deported.”

Buddy: “But I’m an American citizen.”

Donald: “As if I care. Next!”

 

21 replies »

  1. I’m not a psychiatrist, but he’s got to be a narcissistic psychopath. How can you be that careless of the people for whom you’re supposed to be the chief protector? And the ones who support him should be starting to get by now that he will f**k them over. Every now and then I take a peek at CNN, but that orange freak shows up and starts shouting great whopping lies. I can only watch for about three minutes. Then I feel like taking a shower.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, there’s no doubt that he’s pathological, as are many of the folks who fervently follow him, to some degree. And I agree about CNN. I used to watch the channel all the time, and it’s still one of my sources, but I think they are being far too accommodating to Trump and his minions, letting them come on the show and blather away, often without even challenging the lies…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a good thing we’re all saving money by drinking at home because the last 4 pack of toilet paper I found was selling for $16.
    When they start selling it by the sheet? I’m going back to corn cobs.

    Liked by 2 people

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