Ella: “Look, buddy, I’m a busy girl. I don’t have time for some fool that just wants to yank my chain.”

Buddy: “I’m not yanking anything. I just asked you where the bathroom was in this bar, that’s all.”

Ella: “Well, that could be code. You might want something more.”

Buddy: “Not really. I just need to pee. I’ve had a couple Harvey Wallbangers. And those things race through you faster than bad potato salad at a church picnic.”

Ella: “So you do need me.”

Buddy: “For what? Look, if you don’t know where the bathroom is then-”

Ella: “You’ve got the runs. And I’m a gal who can help you with that.”

Buddy: “What in the hell are you talking about?”

Ella: “You just said you had some bad mayo at a church picnic. That can get messy. I know a guy who can clean it up. You interested?”

Buddy: “I’m interested in figuring out where you’re going with this. I haven’t been to church and no potatoes have died on my account. I was just making a joke, one that apparently didn’t work out as I planned.”

Ella: “You shouldn’t make fun of the church. I used to be a good girl. Until I wasn’t. I miss the days when I could wear white and sing about redemption. I had so many dreams.”

Buddy: “And I think I’m having one now. But I would like it to end. So, if you’ll excuse, I’m just going to go my own way and find the bathroom without talking to… anybody.”

Ella: “There’s no toilet paper in there.”

Buddy: “Well, that’s okay. I shouldn’t really need any. Just a zip and a spit. Unless my body is firing off the wrong signals. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Ella: “There’s no toilet paper anywhere. This naked city is a desert and lots of people are thirsty.”

Buddy: “I don’t know if we should go that far. But you might want to go to a therapist. There are specialists who can help you with whatever visions you’re having.”

Ella: “I can hook you up.”

Buddy: “With what? Syphilis?”

Ella: “With toilet paper. I know a guy.”

Buddy: “Oh. Perhaps you should have led with that instead of all these synaptic misfires. Tell me more. My personal stash is getting a bit thin. Just like my patience with the government.”

Ella: “It’ll cost ya.”

Buddy: “That’s okay. I’ve managed to put aside some money, mainly because most of the bars are closed these days. It’s really a lot cheaper to just make your own drinks at home. I’m surprised this place was even open.”

Ella: “I’m always open.”

Buddy: “And I’m not surprised. Still, break it down for me.”

Ella: “You give me twenty bucks and I give you an address.”

Buddy: “That reminds me of my college days.”

Ella: “I don’t care. Then you go there, and you knock three times on the ceiling.”

Buddy: “Twice on the pipes?”

Ella: “And then the answer is go. Up the stairs. To an unmarked door. Well, they’re all unmarked, so it can be a little tricky, but I’m sure you can figure it out. Then you hand over another twenty, and they’ll give you two rolls of pristine, low-roughage sanitation salvation.”

Buddy: “Forty bucks, total? That sounds a little high. Even in these times.”

Ella: “They have a frequent plyer program. After three visits, they throw in a bottle of hand sanitizer.”

Buddy: “Oh? I’m all in. Here’s my first twenty.”

Ella: “Don’t give it to me. Give it to the bartender. Union regulations. And thank you for flying Charmin Airlines.”

Buddy: “Got it. Should I tip you or…”

Ella: “You’ve already given me a tip, making it very clear that capitalism is all about making the right amoral choices at the right time.”

Buddy approaches the bartender, who is happily arranging shot glasses whilst humming a ditty about the joys of turning a national health crisis into yet another scam that will benefit his bank account. Buddy: “Are you the man with a plan?”

Donald Trump: “Are you kidding? I never plan for anything. Why bother, when I can do the most wretched things imaginable and my sheeple will still worship every word that I belch.”

Buddy: “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Donald: “I say you owe me another twenty bucks just for not having you deported.”

Buddy: “But I’m an American citizen.”

Donald: “As if I care. Next!”