Opinion

10 Movies Re-Imagined in the Age of the Coronavirus

1. The Last and the Spurious

A documentary that highlights the accomplishments of the Trump Administration in battling the Coronavirus. Running time is 27 seconds, including a 15-second commercial for Chloroquine.

2. The Tight Antic

Mark Zuckerberg, chairman of Facebook and shyster extraordinaire, struggles to explain why he thinks Trump’s instantly-infamous “when the looting starts, the shooting starts” post is fine and dandy, despite promising Congress that he would delete any posts promoting violence. A subplot in the film questions why anyone would believe an arrogantly-rich man with a wretched haircut like that. Is he trying out for a role in “Peter Pan”?

3. The Goodbye Whirl

A poignant film capturing the heart-breaking moment when the last known square of toilet paper on the planet is flushed down a special memorial toilet installed in Times Square.

4. Reservoir Clogs

A probing study of what happens when lazy-ass people rip off their disposable masks and, instead of taking two steps to a trashcan, throw them on the ground outside of supermarkets just as a brisk wind starts to blow.

5. The Fear Hunter

An exposé on how the Republican Party, via Fox News and hand puppets, is training its members to stop being afraid of the virus and instead be afraid of healthcare professionals, medical experts, social-distancing, testing, science in general, responsibility for your own actions, and truth.

6. The Bridge on the River Why

Famous comedian Patton Oswalt conducts “man-on-the-street” interviews with folks who are participating in those clueless protests at state capitols, wherein gun-toting yokels are demanding that said state reopen completely. Patton has just one question for them: “Why are you being such an asshole about this?”

The responses will make your head spin almost as fast as a Trump spokesperson looking for an exit door when they are asked to verify what they just said. (It should be noted that most of the yokels in the film are not fully identified, as they can’t even spell their own names, never mind fight their way out of a wet paper bag.)

7. Close Encounters of the Vapid Kind

In this real-time adventure (you can tell such by the clock on the wall in most scenes), a rumble is brewing between The Masked and The Mask-Less. A dance-off is scheduled in downtown Dallas at high noon, with both teams competing for the coveted prize, The Right Thing to Do Trophy. Sadly (spoiler alert!), the Mask-Less team does not show up, partly because they have already proven that they don’t give a flip about anybody but themselves, but mostly because they are busy attending the funerals of the people they infected. This is not a feel-good movie. Nor should it be.

8. The Way We Weren’t

Historian Ima Pissedoffabit looks back in anger at how every preceding American president at least had the decency to pretend that they cared about Americans. Until now. Parental Advisory: Adult language, bird-flipping and bitter hashtags appear throughout this film. Hand-puppets were also considered, but they smelled too much like Fox News and were sent back to the prop department.

9. Ground-Hug Day

This film is a feel-good movie. Despite the lies and inaction by the Trump Administration, and those unjustifiable idiots who don’t give a damn about anybody else, most Americans are doing what they can to help us get through it all. Most Americans are celebrating the healthcare workers and calmly dealing with the restrictions and reaching out in a safe way to ensure that everybody has what they need. This is how we overcome.

10. Dawn of the Dread

Over 100,000 Americans are no longer with us due to this pandemic, and we’re not done, by any means. Far more casualties than the typical flu season (despite the far-right talking heads claiming otherwise), more than the losses in the Vietnam War, and more than the population of most cities in this country. Sure, losses were inevitable, considering the stunning power of this virus. But it’s a hard fact that there would have been fewer funerals if Donald Trump had pulled his head out of his self-involved ass long enough to do the right thing. But he didn’t. And he still refuses to do so.

Be safe. Be kind. Be voting in November.

Cheers.

 

25 replies »

  1. And this gem: Pulp Twitchin – the clear-eyed and dramatic story of how a wicked orange clown is beaten to a pulp and left twitchin in the street. When the beating starts, the beating starts. Caution: contains violence.
    I wouldn’t want this to actually happen, but sometimes, my mind wanders …

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Now I hear in the news this morning that monkeys have stolen blood samples containing coronavirus from a lab in India. I can just see a new version of Planet Of The Apes becoming a reality.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry that bad stuff is still happening in your country. Asking the Universe to send a hard kick up the behind to those that need it, and glories of happiness to those who are doing it right.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Once again, I’m left wishing WordPress offered us a “love” button.

    I only have one correction: “every preceding American president at least had the decency to pretend that they cared about Americans” — ah, but you see, he does care about certain Americans. The gun-toting Michigan protesters, for instance, who are tired of being asked to behave like decent human beings.

    Liked by 2 people

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