Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #419

Clark: “I just realized something.”

Claudette: “That I’m trapped in the gravitational pull of one of your giant ears?”

Clark: “Look, I warned you about those things. Don’t get too close unless you’re firmly tied to a boat anchor.”

Claudette: “But I am. I’m latched to what’s left of Mary Pickford’s career, and we all know that’s not going anywhere these days.”

Clark: “That’s rather clever of you. But no, I’m talking about our faces. Have we been getting the same collagen treatments?”

Claudette: “Perhaps. I go to Dr. Cherilyn Sarkisian. You?”

Clark: “Yep. Cher’s been in the business for centuries and she still looks great.”

Claudette: “You know, I read somewhere that she was a passenger on The Mayflower. I bet all that extra collagen cushioning was a godsend when the boat slammed into Plymouth Rock.”

Clark: “Oh, she’s much older than even that. Some even say she was the one who built Stonehenge. She’s certainly tall enough to have done that.”

Claudette: “I wonder if that’s where she met Sonny?”

Clark: “It just might be, although he was a bit short for the task at hand. Say, maybe they worked on it together and that’s where they had the inspiration for their first hit single I’ve Got Your Ladder, Babe.”

Claudette: “And one of Cher’s hits, Hard of Stone.”

Clark: “Gypsies, Camps and Trees.”

Claudette: “Half-Built.”

Clark: “Dark Ages Lady.”

Claudette: “We All Sleep on Stones.”

Writer, peeved: “Look, are you guys done yet? Because I’d like to end this post. Nobody is going to get this except the Cher fans. And the two remaining Mary Pickford fans.”

Clark: “You’re just jealous because you can’t wear a Bob Mackie outfit like she can.”

Claudette: “Snap out of it!”

Writer, sighing: “This is just one of those times when you hit the submit button and hope for the best.”


Clark: “Wait, don’t hit that button yet.”

Writer, sighing: “And why, pray tell, should I not hit submit? And why am I even listening to you? I really need to speak to my pharmacist about possible medication interactions.”

Claudette: “He’s just looking out for you, whiny mama’s boy. Aren’t you using the new Block Editor now?”

Writer: “What’s that got to do with any-”

Clark: “We might be acting in the clouds these days, but we still get texts. And we understand that Blocky is causing an increase in alcohol consumption and prescription filling in the blogging world.”

Claudette: “And an increase in mean words. Mean words are never good. Unless they help you win an Oscar. Just ask Bette Davis. The meaner she gets, the higher the box office receipts. That girl’s got it figured out.

Writer: “Actually-”

Clark: “Oh my God! He’s not using the Block Editor.”

Writer: “What makes you think that-”

Claudette: “You’re right, Big-Eared Clark! I knew I smelt something wrong when I walked into this room. At first, I thought it was your formaldehyde. But now I know the writer is one of those annoying renegades who goes off script.”

Writer: “Me go off script? This train has been derailed since the two of you decided to turn this into a Lilith Cher concert. I can’t believe that the-”

Cleo the Cat, wandering into the writer’s office: “Daddy.”

Writer: “-two of you are being so insubordinate. After all I’ve done to keep your memories alive in the Past Imperfects. It’s downright rude and smells like ingratitude.”

Cleo: “Daddy!”

Writer: “What, Cleopatra?”

Cleo: “You need to take your meds and go to bed. These people are not real, and it’s clear that you don’t understand that right now. Hit the submit button.”

Writer: “But this blog post is a mess and-”

Cleo: “Hit. Submit. Otherwise, I will claw everything in this house until you are reduced to a quivering mass of jelly.”



Previously published. Modified and extended for this post, perhaps in a grievously erroneous manner.


Later that night, on a dark street corner near Bonnywood Manor….

Cher: “Did you do what I asked and get me in the story?”

Cleo: “Of course. Now pay me.”

Cher: “Sure thing. Let me get your catnip out of my Gothic messenger bag and… oh, sorry about that.”

Cleo: “It’s okay. We all knew your nose was going to give up and fall off at some point. Just lick it and stick it back on.”


34 replies »

  1. First nose gag = Pick Fair; Yeah, so only the black and white film fans will get it. Meh. Second, to do with Lick and stick… ‘And The Beak Goes On….’ Yeah, so only the pre Hippy/hip replacement brigade will get it. Mumph.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think Cher has had shellack substituted for collagen. She looks a little like Stonehenge or maybe her clinic is on Easter Island?? 🙊🗿

    These cats… I’m telling you… nothing they do surprises me anymore.🙄

    Liked by 1 person

    • As for Cher’s appearance (love her to death, but still), if you ever see my fumbling my way down her unrealistic path, I give you full permission to travel to Texas and slap the hell out of my restructured face. (“Snap out of it!”)

      But the cats? I think we’re both on our own. There’s no stopping THAT madness…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, David. But wouldn’t it be interesting to learn that Mary’s anchored career indirectly led to the Block Editor, in some cosmic butterfly effect? On the flip side, I think I’m behind on my latest round of meds, so there’s that….

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Not many words. Just laughter. 😆 Excellent post, simply excellent!!

    There was a rather obscure little film starring Bruce Willis (p-whipped which is an odd role choice for him), Goldie Hawn and *shudder gag* Meryl Streep (gawd I cannot stand that woman. Ewwww) – “Death Becomes Her”

    and I do believe Cher featured in that, along with Dolly Parton and Betty White in roles entitled “Crowd Members”.

    Now Cher certainly looks the best of the three mentioned, but Dolly’s ‘girls’ are still formidable and quite scary. Betty? I like her best because she’s (almost) older than God but she still keeps on keepin’ on (sorta like a geriatric Energizer Bunny)…

    Me? The scenario described of immortality is the stuff of nightmares. If I think about it too much, I wake up screaming. 😆

    Liked by 2 people

    • See, now you have me wondering what would happen if we combined the plot of “Death Becomes Her” with the latest envisioning of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour and cast reunions of “The Golden Girls” and “9 to 5”. It could be fun, it could make our heads explode. Then again, what doesn’t these days?


      • True enough. Now I’m curious…since every cast member of “Golden Girls” save Betty The Immortal are dead, are we gonna dig them up? Put the bones in pride of place? Even the magic elixir of immortality ain’t bringing back Bea, Rue nor Estelle. Dang it. 😥 But I like the idea. Do get drafting on that! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, how I love when you let your imagination fly! Though Cleo showed up just in time, as you really should get some rest. We worry about you, dear Brian.
    Also, NO ONE could wear Mackie like Cher.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I truly appreciate the worry. Somebody should keep an eye on my antics, even if only to make sure they aren’t implicated in any way.

      Cleo says “Hey, Girl”, by the way. She’s certainly aware of you, what with her many nights of commandeering my laptop and reviewing the contents whilst I slumber. She also wants you to know that you’ve never seen HER in a Mackie ensemble and cautions you about the judging of others…. 😉


    • You should get an award for this clever comment, you really should. But I was dismissed from the Bonnywood Manor board of directors after a certain mishap concerning a rogue margarita, so it may or may not happen… 😉


    • Bob Mackie is a genius, and he found the perfect muse with Cher. And if I remember correctly, he was also the costume designer on “The Carol Burnett” show, where his over-the-top outfits made things even more fun…

      Liked by 1 person

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