I understand that some of our fellow travelers don’t quite grasp the instructional signage they may encounter whilst driving to their therapist. Let me help you out with that.
This means that you are not the priority in this situation. Other people temporarily have more authority, and you must bow down to their needs. Just because you think you have a cuter car or a prettier outfit, you can’t ignore the laws of this particular jungle. Slow down, carefully review your surroundings, and let the A-List people do what they need to do.
Once the cavalcade of higher-privileged cars appears to cease, you may cautiously attempt to proceed. However, if you spot another car coming in the priority lane, then hit the brake again. Do not try darting maneuvers or pretend that you have vision issues. We know you see us, and we sure as hell are not going to slow down because we have the right of way. If you are not satisfied with this arrangement, you should make better travel decisions and never drive on a road that doesn’t get top billing.
Extreme Violators: The folks on the service road who try to outrace the folks exiting a high-speed highway. The cars taking the off-ramp are hurtling along at 700mph. You are puttering along at 40mph. If you can’t do the math here, you deserve to have an insurance agent asking you harsh questions.
This means you need to get into a different lane. Your lane is no longer an important one, and it is about to no longer even be a lane. Find the lane that still has the blessing of traffic engineers, and head that way. There should be additional helpful signs that can assist you with your decision (if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that the signs gave you a heads up two miles back, you twit). But if you’re still having trouble, look for the lane that has the most people. That’s probably the right one. Unless the rest of your family is out driving as well, in which case they might as well shut down the city.
Extreme Violators: The stupid people who ignored the two miles of warning signs and then try to physically shove their car into the correct lane, without even bothering to flip on a turn signal. Dude, I am NOT letting you in. Have a nice day.
Do whatever it takes to make your vehicle quit moving. Now.
Extreme Violators: The self-centered trollops who barrel past a stop sign without even pretending to slow down. This is how nations fail and Donald Trump tweets.
I can understand how you might be a little confused over this one. There aren’t any words, pictures or sock puppets to help you out. This symbol is telling you that the people in your lane, which includes you because you are in that lane (I’ll give you some time to absorb that, since you apparently need it) are expected to turn right. It does not mean you should come to a complete stop, scratching your head. (That would be a different sign. See previous entry.) Don’t sit there idling in your car, filled with bewilderment and functional failure. It also doesn’t mean that you are authorized to drive straight through the intersection as a willful alternative to turning. There is NO alternative. Go to the right, Carol Anne.
Oh, and this little sign has a cousin with the arrow pointing in the opposite direction. (You do know what opposite means, yes?) This means drive to the left. See how this works? Seriously, you’ll eventually be able to grasp this, if you just focus hard enough and turn down the radio.
Extreme Violators: The cretins who try to drive straight through and then bang on their horns when someone cuts them off because the horn-banger is supposed to be turning.
5. SPEED LIMIT 65 MPH
This is not a suggestion. It’s a rule. That little pointer thing in the round thing on your dashboard thing? You know, the one with numbers in a circle? The little pointer should not go higher than 65. (“Higher” means the bigger numbers. The pointer shouldn’t touch those.) You don’t pay my insurance premiums. Therefore, you don’t have the right to force me to USE my insurance because your stupidity ran me off the road when you were late for your court appearance.
Extreme Violators: The manic bastards who lead-foot it, terrorizing everybody as they shift lanes every three seconds just to get one more car ahead. Yet we all end up at the same stoplight two miles down the road. Just what did you prove, Ye of Jacked-Up Genetics?
6. NO HAND-HELD PHONE USAGE IN SCHOOL ZONE
That thing clutching the phone you’re talking on? That’s your hand. The phone should not be there when you’re driving near large groups of children exiting a building. Put it down. And stop breeding so there’s no need for you to be anywhere around here.
Extreme Violators: The people who challenge the traffic citations they are given for doing this very thing. Really? This is how nations fail, Part Deux.
7. ONE WAY
Okay, concentrate on this one. All those people coming toward you, filling up all the lanes? None of them are going the wrong way. You are.
Extreme Violators: The twits who just keep going the wrong way instead of turning down a side-street in shame. Where the hell did you go to school? Because we need to find that place and shut it down.
8. HANDICAPPED PARKING ONLY
I’ll temporarily put aside my desire to see another term used for this type of sign. (It just has a negative connotation for me and I’d rather see some other terminology. Perhaps I’m oversensitive because of mobility challenges in my own family.) What I won’t put aside are the absolute assholes (I’m getting a bit forceful with my words in this post; it makes me feel a bit tingly and I rather like it) who commandeer a handicapped parking space when they have no right to do so, nimbly sprinting out of their vehicle just so they can grab a cappuccino at Starbuck’s.
Extreme Violators: Anyone who has done this, ever.
9. EXIT ONLY
This means that you should not be coming into the parking lot at this particular junction. This is a portal for people to leave the parking lot, because they are done doing whatever and they want to get away before people like you show up. But because you weren’t reading the signs (probably because you were listening to Rush Limbaugh and he doesn’t want you to read anything or his show would fail), you are now confronted with a long line of cars trying to go in your direction.
And this here train is not going to magically get out of your way, as there are too many of us and, therefore, we own this situation, so you need to take some action. Stop sitting there like a challenged farm animal, blinking at us in utter vapidity and uselessness. Back your ass up and try to find the actual entrance. Or just drive to the nearest police department and turn yourself in, because you’re eventually going to end up there and you might as well be proactive about the situation.
Extreme Violators: Again with the honking. Do you not understand that everyone on the planet is against you at this point? Literally and figuratively. Your misguided mission has failed. Reboot and back up.
10. COMPACT CARS ONLY
What THIS means, Bertha, is that there are size limitations on what can be placed between the two white lines on both sides of this sign. To help you out a little bit, the compact-car category does not include any of the following: Cadillacs that are longer than your average city block, two-ton pickups that have been purchased because somebody in the family is trying to compensate for a diminutive penis, or any version of those damn Hummers that shouldn’t be on public roads in the first place. (Why in the world would you need to drive a military-grade vehicle? Are you planning to invade another country for political reasons? If not, then you don’t need that thing. Sell it and send several of your children to college instead.)
Oh, and one last note: If you truly don’t know how to read, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel. I understand that we do have something of a problem with illiteracy in this country, which is tragic and entirely avoidable. But if you’ve managed to snag a driver’s license, you were able to read something somewhere along the line, so you really can’t use that as an excuse. Which means that you have other issues that are causing your ineptitude as a friendly driver, and perhaps you should look into the wonderful world of public transportation options. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
Extreme Violators: Anybody who read this post and thought “Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to do that.” Nations fail, Part Trois.