Humor

10 Roadway Signs That Might Need Some Clarification for Certain People

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I understand that some of our fellow travelers don’t quite grasp the instructional signage they may encounter whilst driving to their therapist. Let me help you out with that.

1. YIELD

This means that you are not the priority in this situation. Other people temporarily have more authority, and you must bow down to their needs. Just because you think you have a cuter car or a prettier outfit, you can’t ignore the laws of this particular jungle. Slow down, carefully review your surroundings, and let the A-List people do what they need to do.

Once the cavalcade of higher-privileged cars appears to cease, you may cautiously attempt to proceed. However, if you spot another car coming in the priority lane, then hit the brake again. Do not try darting maneuvers or pretend that you have vision issues. We know you see us, and we sure as hell are not going to slow down because we have the right of way. If you are not satisfied with this arrangement, you should make better travel decisions and never drive on a road that doesn’t get top billing.

Extreme Violators: The folks on the service road who try to outrace the folks exiting a high-speed highway. The cars taking the off-ramp are hurtling along at 700mph. You are puttering along at 40mph. If you can’t do the math here, you deserve to have an insurance agent asking you harsh questions.

2. MERGE

This means you need to get into a different lane. Your lane is no longer an important one, and it is about to no longer even be a lane. Find the lane that still has the blessing of traffic engineers, and head that way. There should be additional helpful signs that can assist you with your decision (if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that the signs gave you a heads up two miles back, you twit). But if you’re still having trouble, look for the lane that has the most people. That’s probably the right one. Unless the rest of your family is out driving as well, in which case they might as well shut down the city.

Extreme Violators: The stupid people who ignored the two miles of warning signs and then try to physically shove their car into the correct lane, without even bothering to flip on a turn signal. Dude, I am NOT letting you in. Have a nice day.

3. STOP

Do whatever it takes to make your vehicle quit moving. Now.

Extreme Violators: The self-centered trollops who barrel past a stop sign without even pretending to slow down. This is how nations fail and Donald Trump tweets.

4. →

I can understand how you might be a little confused over this one. There aren’t any words, pictures or sock puppets to help you out. This symbol is telling you that the people in your lane, which includes you because you are in that lane (I’ll give you some time to absorb that, since you apparently need it) are expected to turn right. It does not mean you should come to a complete stop, scratching your head. (That would be a different sign. See previous entry.) Don’t sit there idling in your car, filled with bewilderment and functional failure. It also doesn’t mean that you are authorized to drive straight through the intersection as a willful alternative to turning. There is NO alternative. Go to the right, Carol Anne.

Oh, and this little sign has a cousin with the arrow pointing in the opposite direction. (You do know what opposite means, yes?) This means drive to the left. See how this works? Seriously, you’ll eventually be able to grasp this, if you just focus hard enough and turn down the radio.

Extreme Violators: The cretins who try to drive straight through and then bang on their horns when someone cuts them off because the horn-banger is supposed to be turning.

5. SPEED LIMIT 65 MPH

This is not a suggestion. It’s a rule. That little pointer thing in the round thing on your dashboard thing? You know, the one with numbers in a circle? The little pointer should not go higher than 65. (“Higher” means the bigger numbers. The pointer shouldn’t touch those.) You don’t pay my insurance premiums. Therefore, you don’t have the right to force me to USE my insurance because your stupidity ran me off the road when you were late for your court appearance.

Extreme Violators: The manic bastards who lead-foot it, terrorizing everybody as they shift lanes every three seconds just to get one more car ahead. Yet we all end up at the same stoplight two miles down the road. Just what did you prove, Ye of Jacked-Up Genetics?

6. NO HAND-HELD PHONE USAGE IN SCHOOL ZONE

That thing clutching the phone you’re talking on? That’s your hand. The phone should not be there when you’re driving near large groups of children exiting a building. Put it down. And stop breeding so there’s no need for you to be anywhere around here.

Extreme Violators: The people who challenge the traffic citations they are given for doing this very thing. Really? This is how nations fail, Part Deux.

7. ONE WAY

Okay, concentrate on this one. All those people coming toward you, filling up all the lanes? None of them are going the wrong way. You are.

Extreme Violators: The twits who just keep going the wrong way instead of turning down a side-street in shame. Where the hell did you go to school? Because we need to find that place and shut it down.

8. HANDICAPPED PARKING ONLY

I’ll temporarily put aside my desire to see another term used for this type of sign. (It just has a negative connotation for me and I’d rather see some other terminology. Perhaps I’m oversensitive because of mobility challenges in my own family.) What I won’t put aside are the absolute assholes (I’m getting a bit forceful with my words in this post; it makes me feel a bit tingly and I rather like it) who commandeer a handicapped parking space when they have no right to do so, nimbly sprinting out of their vehicle just so they can grab a cappuccino at Starbuck’s.

Extreme Violators: Anyone who has done this, ever.

9. EXIT ONLY

This means that you should not be coming into the parking lot at this particular junction. This is a portal for people to leave the parking lot, because they are done doing whatever and they want to get away before people like you show up. But because you weren’t reading the signs (probably because you were listening to Rush Limbaugh and he doesn’t want you to read anything or his show would fail), you are now confronted with a long line of cars trying to go in your direction.

And this here train is not going to magically get out of your way, as there are too many of us and, therefore, we own this situation, so you need to take some action. Stop sitting there like a challenged farm animal, blinking at us in utter vapidity and uselessness. Back your ass up and try to find the actual entrance. Or just drive to the nearest police department and turn yourself in, because you’re eventually going to end up there and you might as well be proactive about the situation.

Extreme Violators: Again with the honking. Do you not understand that everyone on the planet is against you at this point? Literally and figuratively. Your misguided mission has failed. Reboot and back up.

10. COMPACT CARS ONLY

What THIS means, Bertha, is that there are size limitations on what can be placed between the two white lines on both sides of this sign. To help you out a little bit, the compact-car category does not include any of the following: Cadillacs that are longer than your average city block, two-ton pickups that have been purchased because somebody in the family is trying to compensate for a diminutive penis, or any version of those damn Hummers that shouldn’t be on public roads in the first place. (Why in the world would you need to drive a military-grade vehicle? Are you planning to invade another country for political reasons? If not, then you don’t need that thing. Sell it and send several of your children to college instead.)

Oh, and one last note: If you truly don’t know how to read, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel. I understand that we do have something of a problem with illiteracy in this country, which is tragic and entirely avoidable. But if you’ve managed to snag a driver’s license, you were able to read something somewhere along the line, so you really can’t use that as an excuse. Which means that you have other issues that are causing your ineptitude as a friendly driver, and perhaps you should look into the wonderful world of public transportation options. Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Extreme Violators: Anybody who read this post and thought “Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to do that.” Nations fail, Part Trois.

Cheers.

 

Previously published. Slight changes made. Shout out to the lovely Christi for inspiring this re-post during a comment conversation in my recent “Sandwiched” post.

 

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39 replies »

  2. Great post!
    We have roundabouts. I love them because you don’t wind up idling at red lights and traffic moves much more efficiently. But, there are some people who refuse to learn them and cut across lanes trying to exit or who wind up going around in circles, literally and deservedly. But maybe, like Donnie Dishpan, they aren’t interested in learning anything useful.

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    • I’m glad that you enjoy your roundabouts, admiring their efficiency and all. But I’m not a big fan. There a post or two in the archives detailing my misgivings (as well as a section in “Screaming in Paris”. But I think my biggest issue is that I’m not used to them, as we don’t have them here. The only time I use such is when we travel to Europe, and we’re usually back home before I get the hang of it and then I lose even my limited skill before we go back.

      But now that I think about it, this just triggered a memory from my long-ago Tulsa days. There’s a roundabout there. One. (There may be more now, but only one then.) Some civil engineer lost his mind designing a single intersection, and nobody knew what the hell to do when they ran across it. Hmm. I might need to blog about this, as I’m also now remembering a certain embarrassing incident that happened near said intersection. I’ll keep you posted… 😉

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  3. We have an ATM outside our SuperMarkUp. There are half a dozen handily placed parks for the less mobile placed there, all well marked, with slightly wider width for easier access to the carded permit-on- windscreen drivers PERMITTED to park in this, their allotted spot. I suspect some may see where I’m going? But wait, theres more. A white van screams in, a greasy -haired sleazy cheap suited mustachioed driver, a boiler-suited droog at heel, commandeers the ATM whilst camouflaging his dark deeds by puffing away in a cloud of vape smoke. Taking his wad of cash, he swaggers, droog lumberingly slowly behind, back towards their van which is parked BETWEEN two parks. Ass in suit selects reverse, stops, angrily leaning relentlessly on his horn, shuts the engine down, flings open his dinged dented door, stomps towards the idling sedan blocking his exit, stares at the two unsmiling police officers… I and another amused passer-by had a great laugh about it over the extra large mocha and muffin we enjoyed, splitting the bill with the twenty we found by the vans door.

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  8. Left driving country inhabitant here. I wish there were a road sign that read, “left lane turn quickly for goodness’ sake”. You can tell the people who never check their mirrors while driving. They start turning in the middle of the lane and block traffic while carefully checking the sidewalk but there’s never anyone. (Sighs) 🙄 🤯

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    • Yeah, gotta admit, the left-driving thing unsettles me, especially as a passenger. Everything is in the wrong place in the car and I feel like I’m not doing my fair share of the driving, even though I’m not driving. I’ve been speaking to my therapist about it. He just nods his head a lot and ups my medication….

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  9. To misquote the Red Rocker… “I can’t drive 65” on a SoCal freeway there are two speeds… “crawling” or “going”. Going tends to be 70-75 ish with some people trying to break the sound barrier. Crawling sometimes gets as high as 14-15 mph.😲

    Apologies to anyone near that office park last Monday evening… my navigator was relying on Google Maps and giving me instructions like “turn right at the light…No, left”🤦‍♀️

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    • We’ve got the same sitch in Texas. On the highways, everyone is either balls-out flying or puttering along in a golf cart. And then there’s me, in the middle of both, driving the exact speed limit, or maybe a smidge above. It’s just how I roll.

      Now, the Office Park Incident. You simply MUST share. Unless the shame is too deep… 😉

      Sorry about the “Anonymous” thing. That happens from time to time on this blog. No idea why.

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  10. LOL. #3! A police car actually hit me from behind because I came to a complete stop…which I always do.
    I was in Philadelphia and when I got out of my car, obviously he could tell that I was a Southern Belle. He said “Oh. You’re one of those rebels. I figured you’d just roll through like everybody else does.”
    I said, “ so, what’s that called? A Yankee slide?”
    He smiled and said “touché.” 🤗

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      • Oh…when I first moved to Charleston, I decided to go shopping for the house…well, for me…and it was before the time of GPS. I didn’t have any trouble finding the stores but damned if I could remember how I got there. I spotted a police officer and started walking toward him to ask for directions home.
        Before I got within five feet, he already had his hand on his weapon (and I’m talking about the metal one,) and he was looking all around and over my head, like he was expecting an ambush or something.
        I understood…but I didn’t think I looked like a criminal…but then…who does? (I didn’t get directions.)
        They were never nice to me unless I was in my EMS uniform. Then they were as nice and helpful as they could be. Go figure.

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  11. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Now take 1-10 and add “Utah Driver” to the mix, and you’ve got the absolute finest reason why America has fallen on her ample ass and can’t get up again. We’re truly terrorists when we drive. Anyone who has the sad misfortune to enter Utah and not realize they’re about to automatically encounter the a) entitled driver who owns the $!#@ lane dammit, despite their kindness in letting other, less skillful drivers USE it; b) in-bred Jed who doesn’t have the IQ to drive anything save his pappy’s tractor and that in the lower 40 where he plows semi-straight furrows hour after hour (we all have a purpose. God said so); c) Little Old Persons (it’s been a profiling error that it’s always “little old ladies”. Wrong-o. Little Old Men frighten me more than any L.O.L. any day of the week. I hold with the idea that those old men still have enough testosterone to be dangerous. They prove it too.

    Utah highways are also filled with road construction zones, which now are active 365, 24/7. Read the damned signs warning of lane shifts and Speed Limit changes. Them Highway Patrol guys (women) don’t play and are hired solely (apparently) on their lack of any discernible sense of humor about ANYTHING.

    Speed limits, just to be clear, in Utah anyway, are SUGGESTIONS Jack. Nobody pays any mind. That’s how I personally think Utah gets her revenue. Because those cops and highway patrol people? Are just waiting for El Dim-wit to speed past them. They’ll write you up in a New York Second. The fines? Are hefty too. I think you could be bleeding to death and have a valid reason why you might wish to speed, and they won’t be moved nor convinced. You’re branded a scoff law. Period. Damn hooligan. Prolly from one o’ them “liberal states” where all sorts go on. Well that ain’t gonna fly in Utah. Most citizens (I’m an exception) check their liberality at the border.

    That whole handicapped parking thing gets my wrath brewing. I’ve blocked such fuckwit turds in the slot. I’ve left cutesy notes reading “Handicapped Parking is for special people. You more than qualify with your lack of any discernible brain. Hope you find it before you breed. Have a nice day!” Another that reads something a lot dirtier, that was courtesy of deceased hubby “I hope you don’t f*ck like you park, because obviously you NEVER GET IT IN! (with Mickey Mouse flipping the bird) is reserved for morons you named in #10. Geezus.

    The funniest thing I’ve ever seen personally was when some yahoo tried to exit the “Do Not Enter” zone and flattened all four of their tires due to the spike strip that was there. I laughed all the way home.

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    • I think you’re exactly right. The way people behave on the roadways is a direct reflection of how people behave in society. And that’s a sad thing to say, because there’s an astonishing butt-load of idiots who have somehow gained access to a car but not any degree of sense or sensibility.

      Yes, the old men are more dangerous than the old women. No argument there.

      On a side note, I’m confused by the roadway construction here in Dallas. Typically, the city ignores where the po folks live (like me) and concentrates on the rich-ass parts of town. (Looking out for those who provide the most tax revenue, I suppose. Not right, but still.) But in the last year or so, almost every street around me has some kind of construction project blocking lanes and increasing traffic. In one sense, I’m glad that we’re finally getting some much-needed attention. On the other hand, I smell something off-kilter. Is the city council FINALLY supporting all citizens, or is there a nefarious plot of some kind? Hmm.

      You already know that we’re both on the same page when it comes to handicap/special parking. I have no patience for that mess. At the very least, the violators should be sterilized, because if you can’t understand how WRONG what you’re doing IS, you don’t need to be breeding.

      I’ve seen a few spike-strip incidents and applauded such with gusto. Sadly, there’s been a movement (at least around here) to ban such devices because (and I didn’t know this), emergency vehicles often enter the exits because the traffic is lighter and they can get to victims more quickly. Makes sense, I suppose, but I’m going to miss the quadruple blow-outs on idiot cars…

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  14. Thank you for the shout-out, dear. And may I just say, this post makes me miss city driving not one bit.
    Also, I’m wondering how many extreme conservatives were born by following too literally the sign you have as your feature photo. After all, they are a literal bunch. 😉

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    • City-driving is not my friend. I’m not a fan of driving through rural Oklahoma, either (for various reasons), but at least whilst doing so I can enjoy the relative sparsity of traffic on the quaint two-lanes, where the only real vehicular danger is the occasional sloth-like tractor one might chance upon. Or a renegade cow…

      Your observation on extreme conservatives is very astute, as they often refuse to alter their established flight patterns…

      Liked by 1 person

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