On the movie set of “Reflections in a Golden Eye”…

Director John Huston: “And over here, Liz will make her entrance in some crap designed by Valentino.”

Actor Marlon Brando: “That explains all the lights. But why the big production?”

John: “Because it’s Elizabeth Taylor. She never just walks into a room. It’s always an event. You know this.”

Marlon: “But what do I get to wear?”

John: “What you’re wearing now.”

Marlon: “But I wore this in the last scene.”

John, sighing: “Your character is in the military, Marlon. You wear a uniform every day. You don’t have a party frock.”

Marlon: “It just seems so unfair.”

John: “You’ll get over it. Now, let’s get back on the set.”

Marlon rises to follow John, but then his eyes wander to a stick of butter sitting on the craft services table, a chance glance that subliminally triggers his mind to think of a very special way to make an entrance while shooting that lusty movie in Paris a few years later.

Meanwhile, on that craft services table, laden with food that nobody is eating:

Betty the Stick of Butter: “Why is that man looking at me like that? I feel violated in some way.”

Francois the French Bread: “In the France, we use quite often the condiments in our making of the love. Food is…how you say… erotique, n’est-ce pas?”

Tillie the Turnip: “But what has that got to do with the rest of the story? Wait, am I not on the truck anymore?”

Sal the Sage-Encrusted Salmon: “The writer is clearly throwing in a vague reference that can only be fully appreciated by those readers of a certain vintage.”

Billy the Box Wine: “My vintage is only three months ago!”

Millie the Millennial Muffuletta: “I am so over old people expecting us to remember how it used to be. What was so great about anything in the last century? If things were so terrific, why does it suck now?”

Nancy the Negative Nectarine: “And why is the writer using all of us to surreptitiously explain something that he wouldn’t have to explain if he had just done a good job of writing in the first place?”

Maya the Angel Food Cake: “I know why the caged word wrings. Do not judge those who speak from the heart.”

Sarah the Baked Alaskan: “I can see Russia from my house!”

Rudy the Russian Dressing: “Of course you can. I’m right beside you. That’s like saying Dallas can see Fort Worth.”

Fannie the Fried Green Tomato: “And here we go again with the weird references that some Americans and most non-Americans are not going to get.”

Danny the Denying Danish: “It’s not my fault that the writer doesn’t know when to stop. We should have ended with the first butter mention and let it go at that.”

The Yam, Yoda: “But find we can cleverness, if seek we do. Wise is he seeking so.”

Patty the Petulant Pot Roast: “Blow it out your yam hole.”

Tammy the Temperance Tamale: “I suspect demon alcohol has destroyed another soul.”

Barbie the Rhubarb: “Are you kidding? The writer is retired now. He’s spending all of his money on health insurance and prune juice.”

Hamlet the Ham: “Alas, poor Brian of Yorick, I knew him well before he completely lost his mind and forgot about things like filters and editing.”

Ophelia the Olive Loaf: “I have no idea what we’re talking about anymore. I’m going to go jump in that river over there and float away to another Past Imperfect that makes more sense.”

Director John, snapping his fingers: “Marlon, are you coming to the set or not? Time is money.”

Actor Marlon: “Sorry, I thought I heard somebody saying something. Guess not. Wait, what’s my motivation in this scene?”

John: “To not get upstaged by Elizabeth’s breasts.”

Marlon: “Oh. Well, if you would just let me wear an outfit designed by Bob Mackie, I think I could pull it off.”

John: “Marlon, it’s 1967. The military doesn’t allow Bob Mackies to enlist, which would negate your entire character. That sounds fishy.”

Marlin: “But isn’t this entire story based on suppressed Bob Mackie tendencies?”

John: “It is? I guess I should have finished reading the book before I approved the screenplay.”

Carson McCullers, author of said book: “Of course you should have read me. One of the fundamental failures in modern America is that people don’t read the book first.”

John: “Hmm. Now I’m hearing voices. I wonder if I ate something on the craft services table that has turned.”

Marlon: “Let’s not go back to the table. We don’t need another round from the Greek Chorus. This post is long enough as it is and most people stopped reading pages ago. Just like you and the book.”

John: “Agreed. Let’s get this done. Are you ready for your close-up, Marlena DeMille?”

Marlena: “When am I not?”

Bob Mackie: “If I could turn back time…”

Previously published. Considerably modified and extended for this post. Admittedly, this one is crammed with obscure trivia.  Bonus points to the first person who can name the lusty Paris movie. Even more bonus points to anyone who has actually seen “Reflections”. It’s a turgid, twisty, tantalizing mess, and we should probably start a support group for the survivors. (The thing with the gardening shears? Hoo boy.) Cheers.