Just some random silliness disguised as an actual blog post…
1. Splurch
The wet spot on your car seat caused by squirting too much sanitizer into your hand and drippage occurs.
2. Ookybits
The dead skin cells that start flaking off your hands due to overuse of sanitizer for the day. (And this is at 9:30am.)
3. Slidmarks
The gummy residue on your steering wheel left by impatient but still-wet hands. (And said residue could prove to be a fertile crop for finger-print experts should you ever be implicated in a major crime. Plan ahead and wipe that sucker down.)
4. Nastyasscious
The horrid smell that some hand sanitizers have. (They couldn’t add some lemon juice to this mess?) But we buy them anyway because we might never see another bottle again.
5. Ear-Ception
The resulting of wearing a mask that is a little too tight, causing your ears to widen and pull forward, making them look like mini satellite dishes, and you suddenly have radio stations playing in your head. (“Delta Dawn, what’s that flower you have on…”)
6. Maskitosis
The humbling experience caused by getting a constant whiff of your own breath whilst wearing a face covering and realizing you aren’t as fresh as you think you are. (“I can smell it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord…”)
7. Ear Swings
The hypnotic motion of masks left hanging on one ear by folks who don’t bother to take them all the way off when they want to have a conversation. I’m mesmerized by the dangling and the message is not received. (“I don’t hear a word they’re sayin’, only the echoes of my mind…”)
8. Snouters
The folks who at least have the decency to wear a mask but don’t understand that it’s supposed to cover their nose as well, giving them a bit of porcine look that is not very flattering. (Radio DJ: “And we’ll be right back with more tunes after this word from our sponsor, Pigshire Farms, makers of the best pork log in the country…”)
9. Horde-ivores
That mass of people thundering to the cleaning products aisle when the supermarket speaker blurts out that a fresh shipment of Lysol spray has just arrived. These people are determined and vindictive and the resulting carnage will make the eruption of Mount Vesuvius look like nothing more than a belch. (“Let them truckers roll, 10-4!”)
10. Menu-mentia
The mental state resulting from the insistence on making do with what’s in the pantry when it comes to the evening meal, rather than getting out in public and dealing with the sanitizing and the masking and the snouter hording. (“Once upon a time there was shopping in my life, now there’s only food in the dark…”)
Little Sally: “Mommy, I don’t want to eat this.”
Mommy: “There’s nothing wrong with it. People in the world are starving and they would be happy with the feast before you.”
Little Billy: “But it smells like something we should bury in the backyard.”
Mommy: “No, Mistake Number Two, it smells delicious. You just don’t appreciate fine cooking. Rachel Ray made this on her show just the other day.”
Little Sally: “But her show is on hiatus due to the pandemic.”
Mommy: “Sally, you need to quit getting on the Internet. That’s the devil’s playground. And stop using big words. You’re not allowed to do that until you earn a big paycheck and move out of this house. Until then, small words, quiet eating.”
Little Billy: “But Mom, my nose hairs are burning. And my fork just melted when it touched whatever this is.”
Mommy: “Billy, if you feel something burning, it’s probably from the shame of not respecting your elders.”
Daddy: “Agnes, I really think you’re being a bit harsh.”
Mommy/Agnes: “Harsh? Do you have any idea what it’s like going to the supermarket these days? Of course you don’t, because your man-privileged ass still thinks shopping is women’s work. People are rude and crazy and I am risking my life just trying to snatch up a tube of questionable hamburger meat so the three of you can have Sloppy Joes that you don’t need and keep pretending that life is what it used to be. It’s not, I’m over it, I’m done. You will eat what I fix and you will scream in pleasure over the opportunity. And how would you like to respond to that, Bertrand? And remember, divorce is also an option on this dining room table.”
Daddy/Bertrand: “Oh, um. Well, I think this is the best meal I’ve ever had that involves pickled herring, a can of yams that expired in 1967, and what I’m hoping is cornmeal and not sawdust. Yum!”
Mommy/Agnes: “Good answer. Now, can you pass me the Vienna Sausage and Jellied Anchovy salad?”
Daddy/Bertrand: “I cannot begin to tell you how much pleasure it gives me to move such away from me. Enjoy.”
Note: Bonus points to anyone who can correctly identify the five songs that were quoted/paraphrased once the Ear-Ception radio station kicked in…
Categories: Humor
Bonnywood Manor 
Do you happen to know where Agnes got the pickled herring and Johnson administration yams? That’s a stellar casserole in the making and our stores are all out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, based on my lackluster research (translation: nobody was serving margaritas whilst I was doing so, quickly leading to my disinterest), you need to provide the correct password to someone named “Buford” at a critical transactional moment. I didn’t really dig deeper than that, as the microwave dinged and my sea-salt popcorn was ready…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Buford. Got it. As long as there’s no secret handshake….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Delta Dawn
In the Air Tonight
Everybody’s Talkin
Convoy?
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Did I win?? 💃🏼🎶🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course you won, After all, you’re Lady Angie of Trivia Province. Should we have expected anything less? I think not.
LikeLiked by 1 person
amazing work
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Nancy!
LikeLike
Thank goodness I’m not a horde-ivores.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve heard rumors to the contrary. Of course, I drink a lot, so…
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?” That took me back .. . And now it’s in my head!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a personal gift, from me to you… 😉
LikeLike
Those ookybits have resulted in so many nicks and splits in my hands, so, so sore! Maskitosis gets so, so much worse if you re-use disposable respirators. Jeeees, the bacteria it keeps in when you put it back on time after time, yuck. Snouters, brilliant! I don’t get why some people seem to leave masks down and away from their nose, seems a bit pointless..!
Thanks for the giggles. These are brilliant 😂
Caz xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Caz. Despite the sore hands and the sometimes-annoying task of washing my reusable masks, I am way beyond happy to do what I can to keep folks safe and healthy. I just don’t get these people who are so reckless in their defiant behavior. It’s not about them, it’s about everybody…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bwahahahaha! Brilliant!
Hey…what happens after the quarantines?
The quarantwenties! 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
And if some people don’t get their act together and actually start thinking about someone besides themself, we could be talking about quaranthirties…
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can name ALL the subtly woven into the body of the text of this blog post songs and all. I’m not sure that’s something to be proud of or not though.
As to the weird food that we call “dinner” (supper or whatever late-ish in the day meal is called in one’s own neck o’ the woods) I had a supper of almost past it grapes, peanut butter and salt-less saltines (that’s an oxymoron) and lil’ smokies that were almost past it too. The dogs admired the smokies, but the rest of it (save the p-butter, dogs LOVE peanut butter too) got a strange look and snubbery all ’round. More for me. Added to it (because that left me peckish) was an almost freezer burnt frozen spaghetti dinner (the cheap-o kind they’ve foisted on people since we got locked down and frozen in place). I’m gonna have to wend my way to the grocery store tomorrow and I hope the same assholes I’ve encountered for the past two weeks have caught the damned virus and are staying home (although, as dimwitted as some of them are, I doubt they’ll realize the danger. They will if I clock ’em one up side the head with my cane).
I reblogged your exquisite list for the bone tickling daily requirement of my own readers. Such a witty post needs sharing and airing..
http://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/2020/06/25/last-and-lighter-side/
LikeLiked by 1 person
First, you should be proud of your trivia success. I don’t always make these things easy.
Second, I’ve always been confused by the “dinner/supper” conundrum. Some folks say it’s one way, some folks say it’s another. I really don’t care what you call it, as long as I get to shove something in my mouth. Speaking of, meals here at Bonnywood have been just as enterprising as yours. Even before the pandemic, both Partner and I were guilty of exuberant stockpiling when it comes to foodstuffs. Our pantry is brimming with odds and ends across the spectrum. If all grocery stores were to close until 2023, we would be fine…
Oh, and thanks for the share. You’re a good egg, you are…
LikeLike
I am so sick of sanitiser. Please pass the moisturiser.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve arranged for a crate of such to be delivered to your domicile. Enjoy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I broke down and bought a washable mask yesterday, thinking it’d be more comfortable and easier to breathe through than the medical grades I had left from the fires last year. Low and behold…. DUMBO came flying out of my mask when I donned it! Dumbo or the boy who turned into a donkey in Pinocchio? You get the point.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s really shocking when I see my ears shoved forward into the spotlight. I mean, I know I’m getting up there in years, but when I realize that I truly DO look like Dumbo? Damn. I guess my disco-dancing days are over… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol We went out for ice cream today and I wore dangle earrings that looked great with my outfit. Yeah, not so much with the black butterfly mask that pushed my ears forward. I felt like I needed to have my ears pinned back. lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jellied fish salad? 😳 I’ve had to eat that and pretend to like it. Shudder. I tried not to think about it ever again. But here you are, resurrecting my jellied fish salad trauma. Yikes. Is no place safe? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have deftly uncovered my nefarious plot. I am on a mission to make folks named Lynette rue the day they consumed jellied dishes.
Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have the focus to plot ANYTHING. I just sit here and respond to comments and try to look pretty. It’s the least I can do… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 I enjoyed these.
“Icky Pop” – The result of leaving half a bottle of soda in the fridge for three months during lock-down.
LikeLiked by 2 people
😆 It’s grape flavor too, isn’t it? Or can we tell after all that time?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, I hear that. We used to be fairly responsible when it came to tossing things in the fridge that were expired and worthless. But since the pandemic? We hang on to everything, just on the off chance that we might need whatever it is to sustain us for another day. Even if said thing is fuzzy and unnatural in color… 😉
LikeLike
Yeah, those Snouters, what’s up with that? Are they seriously that clueless?
And yeah, I got the earworms but I’m late to the party (per usual) so I can’t claim them. Though I will say, of them all, I appreciate Harry Nilsson the most. Thanks for that. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
To be fair, I will place the “snouters” a smidge higher on the Responsibility Spectrum than the “I ain’t wearin’ no mask” contingent. But not by much. I have no respect for people who have no consideration for others.
The Harry Nilsson song is brilliant. The lyrics are just as apt today as they were 50 (gulp!) years ago. Truth is timeless…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Since I’m 100% at home, I can really only relate to the last one (well, vicariously to the bad smelling hand sanitizer; we spent a family zoom literally establishing which pharmacy had the worst, and everyone agreed).
We had family Easter dinner over zoom and my mom asked what kind of pie we were eating, and I said: Quarantine Pie.
It was a bit of an improv.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interestingly enough, despite my technological background, I haven’t done a single Zoom or similar digital adventure with any of my family or friends. Hmm. I’m not sure if this means I’M on the outs or they are. Here nor there, I suppose…
And we’ve been swilling Quarantinis throughout the ordeal. (Not improv, I stole the phrase.)
LikeLike
Haha! I love these new words, and I want you to know I’m stealing most of them.
Now, I thought you had made up the Jellied Anchovy Salad dish, so I did an online search…and I see you did not. Judging by the search results on google, it looks more popular than I would have thought. I always learn something when I come here!
LikeLiked by 1 person
See? A visit to Bonnywood it GOOD for you. I try to flavor my little larks with just enough reality that there may be some small degree of benefit in the end. At least, that’s what I tell myself before I hit “publish”… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Got the musical references – I can hear them singing in mymind – but the information retrieval system isn’t working well, and I can’t be bothered making the climb to the deeps to find out wha tpice of grunge has clogged the circuit.
let me just sya you are clever – and we will leave it at that.
May your hands always be clean – and your face unadorned.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Claudette. I fully understand. Sometimes things just aren’t clicking and it’s better to wait for the next train to come into the station.
And I’m always clean and unadorned. At least first thing in the morning. After that, well…
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person