Humor

10 Completely-Contrived Terms You Can Use During the Corona Why Us

Just some random silliness disguised as an actual blog post…

1. Splurch

The wet spot on your car seat caused by squirting too much sanitizer into your hand and drippage occurs.

2. Ookybits

The dead skin cells that start flaking off your hands due to overuse of sanitizer for the day. (And this is at 9:30am.)

3. Slidmarks

The gummy residue on your steering wheel left by impatient but still-wet hands. (And said residue could prove to be a fertile crop for finger-print experts should you ever be implicated in a major crime. Plan ahead and wipe that sucker down.)

4. Nastyasscious

The horrid smell that some hand sanitizers have. (They couldn’t add some lemon juice to this mess?) But we buy them anyway because we might never see another bottle again.

5. Ear-Ception

The resulting of wearing a mask that is a little too tight, causing your ears to widen and pull forward, making them look like mini satellite dishes, and you suddenly have radio stations playing in your head. (“Delta Dawn, what’s that flower you have on…”)

6. Maskitosis

The humbling experience caused by getting a constant whiff of your own breath whilst wearing a face covering and realizing you aren’t as fresh as you think you are. (“I can smell it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord…”)

7. Ear Swings

The hypnotic motion of masks left hanging on one ear by folks who don’t bother to take them all the way off when they want to have a conversation. I’m mesmerized by the dangling and the message is not received. (“I don’t hear a word they’re sayin’, only the echoes of my mind…”)

8. Snouters

The folks who at least have the decency to wear a mask but don’t understand that it’s supposed to cover their nose as well, giving them a bit of porcine look that is not very flattering. (Radio DJ: “And we’ll be right back with more tunes after this word from our sponsor, Pigshire Farms, makers of the best pork log in the country…”)

9. Horde-ivores

That mass of people thundering to the cleaning products aisle when the supermarket speaker blurts out that a fresh shipment of Lysol spray has just arrived. These people are determined and vindictive and the resulting carnage will make the eruption of Mount Vesuvius look like nothing more than a belch. (“Let them truckers roll, 10-4!”)

10. Menu-mentia

The mental state resulting from the insistence on making do with what’s in the pantry when it comes to the evening meal, rather than getting out in public and dealing with the sanitizing and the masking and the snouter hording. (“Once upon a time there was shopping in my life, now there’s only food in the dark…”)

Little Sally: “Mommy, I don’t want to eat this.”

Mommy: “There’s nothing wrong with it. People in the world are starving and they would be happy with the feast before you.”

Little Billy: “But it smells like something we should bury in the backyard.”

Mommy: “No, Mistake Number Two, it smells delicious. You just don’t appreciate fine cooking. Rachel Ray made this on her show just the other day.”

Little Sally: “But her show is on hiatus due to the pandemic.”

Mommy: “Sally, you need to quit getting on the Internet. That’s the devil’s playground. And stop using big words. You’re not allowed to do that until you earn a big paycheck and move out of this house. Until then, small words, quiet eating.”

Little Billy: “But Mom, my nose hairs are burning. And my fork just melted when it touched whatever this is.”

Mommy: “Billy, if you feel something burning, it’s probably from the shame of not respecting your elders.”

Daddy: “Agnes, I really think you’re being a bit harsh.”

Mommy/Agnes: “Harsh? Do you have any idea what it’s like going to the supermarket these days? Of course you don’t, because your man-privileged ass still thinks shopping is women’s work. People are rude and crazy and I am risking my life just trying to snatch up a tube of questionable hamburger meat so the three of you can have Sloppy Joes that you don’t need and keep pretending that life is what it used to be. It’s not, I’m over it, I’m done. You will eat what I fix and you will scream in pleasure over the opportunity. And how would you like to respond to that, Bertrand? And remember, divorce is also an option on this dining room table.”

Daddy/Bertrand: “Oh, um. Well, I think this is the best meal I’ve ever had that involves pickled herring, a can of yams that expired in 1967, and what I’m hoping is cornmeal and not sawdust. Yum!”

Mommy/Agnes: “Good answer. Now, can you pass me the Vienna Sausage and Jellied Anchovy salad?”

Daddy/Bertrand: “I cannot begin to tell you how much pleasure it gives me to move such away from me. Enjoy.”

 

Note: Bonus points to anyone who can correctly identify the five songs that were quoted/paraphrased once the Ear-Ception radio station kicked in…

 

39 replies »

    • Well, based on my lackluster research (translation: nobody was serving margaritas whilst I was doing so, quickly leading to my disinterest), you need to provide the correct password to someone named “Buford” at a critical transactional moment. I didn’t really dig deeper than that, as the microwave dinged and my sea-salt popcorn was ready…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Those ookybits have resulted in so many nicks and splits in my hands, so, so sore! Maskitosis gets so, so much worse if you re-use disposable respirators. Jeeees, the bacteria it keeps in when you put it back on time after time, yuck. Snouters, brilliant! I don’t get why some people seem to leave masks down and away from their nose, seems a bit pointless..!
    Thanks for the giggles. These are brilliant 😂
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Caz. Despite the sore hands and the sometimes-annoying task of washing my reusable masks, I am way beyond happy to do what I can to keep folks safe and healthy. I just don’t get these people who are so reckless in their defiant behavior. It’s not about them, it’s about everybody…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can name ALL the subtly woven into the body of the text of this blog post songs and all. I’m not sure that’s something to be proud of or not though. O_o

    As to the weird food that we call “dinner” (supper or whatever late-ish in the day meal is called in one’s own neck o’ the woods) I had a supper of almost past it grapes, peanut butter and salt-less saltines (that’s an oxymoron) and lil’ smokies that were almost past it too. The dogs admired the smokies, but the rest of it (save the p-butter, dogs LOVE peanut butter too) got a strange look and snubbery all ’round. More for me. Added to it (because that left me peckish) was an almost freezer burnt frozen spaghetti dinner (the cheap-o kind they’ve foisted on people since we got locked down and frozen in place). I’m gonna have to wend my way to the grocery store tomorrow and I hope the same assholes I’ve encountered for the past two weeks have caught the damned virus and are staying home (although, as dimwitted as some of them are, I doubt they’ll realize the danger. They will if I clock ’em one up side the head with my cane).

    I reblogged your exquisite list for the bone tickling daily requirement of my own readers. Such a witty post needs sharing and airing..

    http://sparksfromacombustiblemind.com/2020/06/25/last-and-lighter-side/

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, you should be proud of your trivia success. I don’t always make these things easy.

      Second, I’ve always been confused by the “dinner/supper” conundrum. Some folks say it’s one way, some folks say it’s another. I really don’t care what you call it, as long as I get to shove something in my mouth. Speaking of, meals here at Bonnywood have been just as enterprising as yours. Even before the pandemic, both Partner and I were guilty of exuberant stockpiling when it comes to foodstuffs. Our pantry is brimming with odds and ends across the spectrum. If all grocery stores were to close until 2023, we would be fine…

      Oh, and thanks for the share. You’re a good egg, you are…

      Like

  3. I broke down and bought a washable mask yesterday, thinking it’d be more comfortable and easier to breathe through than the medical grades I had left from the fires last year. Low and behold…. DUMBO came flying out of my mask when I donned it! Dumbo or the boy who turned into a donkey in Pinocchio? You get the point.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s really shocking when I see my ears shoved forward into the spotlight. I mean, I know I’m getting up there in years, but when I realize that I truly DO look like Dumbo? Damn. I guess my disco-dancing days are over… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • lol We went out for ice cream today and I wore dangle earrings that looked great with my outfit. Yeah, not so much with the black butterfly mask that pushed my ears forward. I felt like I needed to have my ears pinned back. lol

        Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I hear that. We used to be fairly responsible when it came to tossing things in the fridge that were expired and worthless. But since the pandemic? We hang on to everything, just on the off chance that we might need whatever it is to sustain us for another day. Even if said thing is fuzzy and unnatural in color… 😉

      Like

  4. Yeah, those Snouters, what’s up with that? Are they seriously that clueless?

    And yeah, I got the earworms but I’m late to the party (per usual) so I can’t claim them. Though I will say, of them all, I appreciate Harry Nilsson the most. Thanks for that. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • To be fair, I will place the “snouters” a smidge higher on the Responsibility Spectrum than the “I ain’t wearin’ no mask” contingent. But not by much. I have no respect for people who have no consideration for others.

      The Harry Nilsson song is brilliant. The lyrics are just as apt today as they were 50 (gulp!) years ago. Truth is timeless…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Since I’m 100% at home, I can really only relate to the last one (well, vicariously to the bad smelling hand sanitizer; we spent a family zoom literally establishing which pharmacy had the worst, and everyone agreed).
    We had family Easter dinner over zoom and my mom asked what kind of pie we were eating, and I said: Quarantine Pie.
    It was a bit of an improv.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Interestingly enough, despite my technological background, I haven’t done a single Zoom or similar digital adventure with any of my family or friends. Hmm. I’m not sure if this means I’M on the outs or they are. Here nor there, I suppose…

      And we’ve been swilling Quarantinis throughout the ordeal. (Not improv, I stole the phrase.)

      Like

  6. Haha! I love these new words, and I want you to know I’m stealing most of them.

    Now, I thought you had made up the Jellied Anchovy Salad dish, so I did an online search…and I see you did not. Judging by the search results on google, it looks more popular than I would have thought. I always learn something when I come here!

    Liked by 1 person

    • See? A visit to Bonnywood it GOOD for you. I try to flavor my little larks with just enough reality that there may be some small degree of benefit in the end. At least, that’s what I tell myself before I hit “publish”… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Got the musical references – I can hear them singing in mymind – but the information retrieval system isn’t working well, and I can’t be bothered making the climb to the deeps to find out wha tpice of grunge has clogged the circuit.
    let me just sya you are clever – and we will leave it at that.

    May your hands always be clean – and your face unadorned.

    Liked by 1 person

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