Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #142

House #1: “I really don’t like the house to my left. Somebody up in there plays the Zydeco music like Jesus is coming every night. They leave crap in their backyard that really just needs to be thrown in a dumpster. And what the hell are they doing that makes everything smell like cabbage?”

House #2: “I really don’t like the house to my right. Just because his family had a little bit more money, he got 12-foot ceilings instead of 10, and now he thinks he is the god of everything. But let’s talk about the alcoholism going on over in that funky-cat chateau. If I had a nickel for every empty liquor bottle lugged out of that place my family could afford a third floor, and then we’d see who’s the boss. And don’t get me started on the tramp daughter that has banged her way through the phone book.”

House #3: “Guys, please. We all look like somebody who lost their teeth in a bar fight. What we really need is for some trendy folk to come up in here and flip our asses so we can be pretty again.”

House #1: “Flip our asses? I’m not sure I like the sound of that. What does it mean?”

House #2: “Maybe you should ask that daughter in your domicile. Or at least read her reviews on Yelp.”

House #3: “Guys! This is not getting us anywhere. We’ve got to find a flipper or they’re going to condemn us and build another Starbucks, officially making that company the seventh largest country in the world.”

House #1: “So now it’s a flipper? Like that dolphin TV show? I don’t like the smell of seafood. Of course, it’s not as bad as cabbage…”

House #2: “Enough with the cabbage! It’s a staple of my people. Why don’t you go suck on a bottle of gin and change the sheets for the next customer?”

House #3: “Okay, that’s it. I knew this neighborhood association was a bad idea when I started it five minutes ago. You two can sit there and bicker and I’m going to go find a nice gay couple who can flip me in an authentic but marketable manner.”

House #1: “Wait, so gay guys do the flipping? I might be interested in this after all.”

House #2: “Oh? So, you’re a Nancy boy, are you?”

House #3: “Nancy boy? When were you born? 1912?”

House #1: “Actually, yes. We all were.”

House #2: “Built by the same developer. Didn’t you ever read your deed?”

House #3: “Well, I’ve done the deed. Many times. Many, many times. But I don’t think I ever read one.”

House #1: “How are you getting all the action? I’m bigger than you are.”

House #2: “Bigger doesn’t mean better. It just means higher property taxes.”

House #3: “Exactly. Let’s just say that my architectural design is an open floor plan. I don’t turn down anyone who wants to tour this home.”

House #1: “Hold up, Guys. There’s a Code Enforcement officer walking this way, taking survey photos. We might be screwed.”

House #2: “We’d best shut up and not draw any attention to ourselves.”

House #3: “Good luck with that. The two of you haven’t been able to squelch it for the last hundred years.”

House #1: “And apparently you haven’t either, Baby Daddy.”

Still, they quieted, and the street fell silent.

Except for echoing footsteps as the Code Enforcement officer crossed to the other side of the street and turned to take this picture.



Previously published. Some changes made for this post. There is an intensely obscure bit of trivial “Golden Girls” dialogue buried in this mess. If you can find it, I will do an entire post dedicated to you. Swear. (And you know it would be a crazed lark if I did such a post. So, put on your Sherlock Holmes deerstalker cap and bring it.) Cheers.


37 replies »

  1. I’ve heard Blanche talk about doing the deed on G.G. Is it: “Well, I’ve done the deed. Many times. Many, many times. But I don’t think I ever read one.” ?

    Or is it “Nancy boy? When were you born? 1912?”? That sounds like classic Dorothy snark.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Angie: I also gave up on TV at one point, during the 90s. Anything that was popular during that time, I have no clue about. It wasn’t until Partner showed up in 2000 that I even had a working TV in the house.

      Melanie: Despite the higher heating/cooling bills, I love high ceilings. I still cherish the memory of one apartment I rented in Tulsa during the early 90s. There were only four units in the building, and said building was built in 1917 during the Tulsa oil boom. You could pole-vault in that place and never come near the ceiling. The faded glory of times past was delicious…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay trying again. WordPress is acting up and damned if it wants me to post this reply to a reply… O_o Yeah. that confused me too. Please note my response (as opposed to the reply to Angie) that I wafted aloft down below. I’m after that Golden Girls trophy you know. Some folks (me) never know when to let go of things…

        Liked by 1 person

    • Below is my entry for the ‘Golden Girls Blast from the Past”. I can understand fully how one might catch the shiny bit (my reply to Angie) and get distracted, but there’s a prize on the line here and I wanna know if my recollection of all things trivial is still daisy fresh. Unlike that slutty daughter and her phone book… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • And in an interesting twist, the Carrot King made his undisclosed fortune in the real estate realm. And Senators behaving badly can bring the whole Republican Party down. Funny how things work that way…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Every neighborhood needs a few gay men. For the property value increases, yes… but also the panache factor in general.
    As for you devoting an entire post to me? The mere thought makes me shiver.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, please. You know damn well you would love to be the centerpiece at the smorgasbord table of a Bonnywood Manor post.

      Wait, that would actually be ME who wants that. So sorry, I have unexplainable issues.

      Still, knowing that you don’t what to shiver makes me speculate. I’m thinking of a story that involves a Maine Mame who wears a pink flamingo mask and plots world domination. It could happen… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know much about Golden Girls–I never watched the show–but I used to believe that Pat Benatar referred to the future show when she sang in 1979, “No naughty old ladies allowed in the eighties” (in “My Clone Sleeps Alone”). But checking out the date of the song, I found out that the real words are, “No naughty clone ladies allowed in the eighties,” so it had nothing at all to do with Golden Girls. Pity. J.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t know this for a fact, but I’m going with “don’t get me started on that tramp daughter who has banged her way through the phone book” (I think it might be accurate because “Golden Girls” was popular when the last of the phone books were published and used on a regular basis. “Course we all still get those low rent version of ‘phone books’ where they use cheap ink which comes off on your fingers if you touch the cover. I also commented on this post when it was first aired…something about cabbages and kings and whether pigs have wings I think…


    • Melanie: I’ll most certainly give you the award the for the most creatively logical guess. The time-reference is accurate, and Dorothy could certainly deliver the line with precision. But no, the truth has a slightly different skin, in the form of Blanche and one of her “activities”. Perhaps that will help you on a secondary read-through? Of course, you have probably moved on with your life, and that’s completely understandable…


      • Thanks! But if it wasn’t honestly won, it wasn’t won. I thought that whole “many many times” bit rang true for Ms. Blanche. She seemed to like repeating things…. 😉


  5. I have nothing, Golden Girl-wise. Though I have strong opinions on flippers and those who flip them, as in, if you’re not going to take the time to restore a house as it should be, step away from the old one and stick with a tract home. I swear, if I see cheap laminate flooring in one more turn-of-the-century I’ll….

    Liked by 2 people

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