Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #87

Despite this ill-advised early publicity shot, the automotive industry still managed to gain traction. In the background, Henry Ford curses the day he decided to hire family members in the promotions department just to keep the peace during holiday gatherings. He turns in disgust, ready to slink away, when he suddenly realizes that the spokes-cousins have forgotten to turn off their primitive microphone in between floor shows. Naturally, he decides to eavesdrop, because this is America, where apparently other people’s business is your own.

Vidalia, left: “I hate this stupid car. There ain’t enough room up in there for me to get my long gun hitched up right when I want to shoot me some buffalo.”

Flatsy, middle: “Well, you know how cousin Henry is, with all his patent things, makin’ things harder than they have to be. He’s just bitter cuz he didn’t come from the pretty side of the family like we did.”

Nutella, right: “Yeah, they come up with some butt-ugly kids on that side of the tree, pure root rot. My momma says it’s cuz great-great Uncle Tobias kept his clan holed up in the Shady Pines and never let nobody come into town. I bet you there was a lotta cross-breedin’. No wonder cousin Henry has that twitch.”

Vidalia: “I hear that ain’t the only thing don’t work right with him. I hear he got a tiny distributor cap, if you know what I mean.”

Flatsy: “What do you know about distributor caps? Word at my house is you like intake valves and you never wear any drawers.”

Nutella: “Now, Flats, ain’t nothin’ wrong with people bein’ fond of different parts. I been known to look under different hoods in my day. But that ain’t the problem. The problem is that cousin Henry makes us work for a livin’. He’s got tons more money than he needs. You see any Vanderbilts whorin’ themselves at this here auto show? No, you don’t. They’re all at the country club, suckin’ on sloe gins and gettin’ their feet rubbed. That’s where we should be.”

Vidalia: “Wait, you tellin’ me that we got Vanderbilt kind of money? Well, don’t that beat all.”

Flatsy: “We ain’t go nuthin, Vi. He thinks just cuz he made all that money that he don’t have to share. That ain’t right, him thinkin’ we should do our part. He’s already got the money, why we gotta do anything? With my beauty, I shouldn’t be plunkin’ my ass on a sideboard. I should be off yonder in Hollywood, makin’ love to Mr. Ramon Navarro on the silver screen.”

Nutella: “That’s just terrible, Flats. I can’t believe cousin Henry is keepin’ you from the hump of your dreams. It makes me so mad I just want to spit.”

Cousin Henry did not want to spit. But he was mad. And he was suddenly looking very forward to the family gathering on the Fourth of July in a few days. He was about to announce a new business plan, one that would streamline production even further, mainly be eliminating the nepotism, even if it resulted in fewer Christmas cards in December. Because this is America, where your own business is more important than other people…


Previously published. Modified slightly for this post. I dragged this mess out of the archives based solely on the “Fourth of July in a few days” reference. At least it appears timely, even though it isn’t.

By the way, we have a friend visiting us this week. (Said long-time friend is known as “Bubbles” for those of you who used to follow me on “The Sound and the Fury” and thankfully tagged along when I shifted blogging platforms.) This means we will be busy doing the limited number of things we can do in once-again locked-down Texas. (Hmm, did you jump the gun and re-open too soon, Governor Abbott? Of course you did, you shameless Trumpster hack.) This also means you’ll see mostly repeats this week, but I’ll try to pick the more obscure bits that most folks haven’t seen. Like this one. Cheers.


18 replies »

    • Thanks, Angie. We’re being very careful. Bubbles is from New York City, so she fully understands the seriousness of the situation. The few places we go, we do so in a cloud of Lysol spray, hand sanitizer and caution… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Thanks, Brian. Have a good visit with your friend. Are you now fully locked down again? It sounds like it has gotten pretty bad again in your parts. Try to stay as safe as you can. Maybe your Carrot hack governor will get his butt kicked (is that a possibility?) 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • We’re not completely locked down at this point, although we should be. Our clueless governor has rolled back some things (bars are again closed, for one thing) but he still refuses to require face masks. The situation is fairly tense right now, with new cases skyrocketing. But is it enough to jeopardize the iron grip the Republican Party has in this state. Probably not. But we shall see..

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Have a fun sociable time watching businesses slamming the doors closed thanks to DagnAbbott opening the Great State,er, prematurely.
    Who would have seen that coming? Perhaps a homestay with Bubbles might be a safe option?
    That vehicle looks like a Model A chassis with bodywork by the Tardis and Privvy Coachwork Co.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, first, I’m stealing DagnAbbott for future use. Brilliant.

      Second, many of the elected officials in Texas truly did NOT see this coming, because they worship at the altar of Fox News, and the acolytes who do such never get a wafer of truth. Every day is a new day to them.

      Third, more stealing. “Tardis and Privvy Coachwork Co” is something that must appear in a Bonnywood story at some point. Must.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There are many remarks that could be inserted here; things about the formerly ‘great’ industrial revolution in America (that’s a sad, faded dream at this point); relatives who are merely hangers on, not having the wit nor gumption to invent themselves something lucrative; or why it is that the more difficult the route, the more it’s used and admired, when everyone knows that the direct route is the simplest. I’m still waiting (breath abated and I’m turning slightly blue) to see if my “Golden Girls” offering was on the money or not…I do realize that your blog is awash in fascinating commentary and readers, and someone might get overlooked now and then. We all take our turns! 😉 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did notice your “Golden Girls” proffering when it came in, but as I’m sure you can surmise (and hinted it), things have been a bit hectic since The Arrival of Bubbles. I did finally respond (at least I think I did, but you know how the meds can mess with you).

      And, sadly, despite the various “revolutions” in this country, the one thing that remains constant is certain people getting an undeserved leg-up on life just because they share blood with someone who actually accomplished something…


  4. Enjoy your time with Bubbles in whatever safe fashion you can find. As you know, AZ is in the same boat as TX, with a governor who can’t think for himself any more than he thinks about others. Stay well!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bubbles is a hoot, so we’ve had a blast so far. And yep, Abbott and Duce-Stello have been following the same jacked-up playbook, tripping over everything and never figuring out Who’s on First…

      Liked by 1 person

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