And here we have one of the earliest known celebrations of marriage equality in America, with everyone quite pleased. Except for that sole Republican guy in the upper middle right, who is running for Congress in Oklahoma and has just realized that this snapshot might bode ill for his campaign.
Luckily, his mother is also in attendance (to his right, also appearing socially-uncomfortable, an apparent family trait) and she has a plan, as most mothers do. “Whatever happens, Hubbard, do not give any indication that you are enjoying the situation until the photographer leaves. I know how we can spin this.”
Hubbard: “But you look like you’re about to smile.”
Mother: “I’m old. I can blame it on a gas bubble or a prescription-drug imbalance. Now, this is our story and we’re sticking to it. We’re here on a Salvation Mission for our church, trying to save these wretched souls from tumbling ass over heels into hell because they think everyone is equal.”
Hubbard: “But we don’t even go to church.”
Mother: “Well, we do during election season. It’s in your party handbook. On our way home, we’ll stop by that church on the corner and make a donation. It’s the best way to become an upstanding member, and it will strengthen our religion and charity ratings in the polls. What’s the name of that church again?”
Hubbard: “Um… Costco?”
Mother: “No, you twit. The other corner.”
Hubbard: “Oh. Oh! But that’s a Pentecostal church. Mother, please don’t make me be a Pentecostal. I don’t want this job that bad.”
Mother: “It doesn’t matter if you want it or not, you still owe us for your college tuition. Sending you to that fancy place cost your father and I more than our first two houses. Combined. I’m sure you can handle a snake if it comes down to that.”
Hubbard: “And what should we say about all the drinking going on around us? The Pentecostals don’t drink. Can’t you make me a Catholic?”
Mother: “It’s too late. I’ve already written out the check while you looked for your spine. One thing you can’t do in politics is waste any time once you’ve mapped out a plan. You have to run faster than the fact-checkers. As for the drinking, we’re trying to save these wretches from that as well. We’re multi-tasking, which should improve our efficiency ratings in the polls. See how easy this is? Once you learn the Art of the Spin, you can get elected to anything. And while I’m thinking about getting things done, we’ll have to sell our wind farms in West Texas. We no longer believe in global warming or science.”
Hubbard: “Don’t I have control over anything in my campaign?”
Mother: “Of course you do, darling. You can tell that boyfriend of yours what the new strategy is in case one of those fake-news reporters shoves a microphone in his face.”
Hubbard, sighing. “Fine. I’ll work my way up to the bar and let him know. Need anything?”
Mother: “Some whiskey would do nicely. But have him put it in a Coke bottle. This photographer appears to have a lot of stamina. I’m sure he’s one of those nasty Democrats who insist on truth.”
Previously published. Slight modifications made for this post. For those of you with a Sherlock Holmes inclination, which of the bartenders on the left do you suppose is the well-hidden husband of Hubbard? Dazzle me with your creativity…
Categories: Past Imperfect
Bonnywood Manor 
I’d say his BF is dude in the middle, pointing the shaker his way, like “This one is just for you, Snookums!” And Hubbard doesn’t look like the type who could handle having his BF be as pretty or *gasp* prettier than him, so it’s definitely not dude in front. And dude in the back looks like he’s trying to escape… he might be a secret Republican 😯
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I greatly admire your thoughtful analysis of The Speakeasy Dating Game candidate pool. It seems entirely on-point to me, but we’ll see what the judges have to say…
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“Some whiskey would do nicely. But have him put it in a Coke bottle” Done this before 🙂
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Yep, I know the feeling… 😉
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My mistake; I was under the misapprehension it was a record of the first day of opening up after lockdown at the Crown and Wanker in dear old London Town.
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Okay, you got me. I really thought adding a sepia tint to the photo would cover my deception…
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If the son is Hubbard, then the mom is Old Mother Hubbard? She had so much snitchen’ she didn’t know what to do? 😉
But anyway, who names their kid Hubbard??
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After Gwyneth Paltrow named one of her offspring “Apple” and then named a candle in her product line after her hoo-hoo, I think she single-handedly destroyed any remaining Naming Etiquette…
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Those silly Democrats. Why aren’t they satisfied with alternate facts like the rest of the country?
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I just don’t understand the fixation with honesty and equality. Have a beer or two and move on…
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Facts. They’re highly over rated….
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Three cheers for photographers with stamina.
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Agreed. We need more dedication in the world…
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I love this so much!
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Thanks, Beth! By the way, your invite to Hubbard and Hubby’s nuptials is in the mail….
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Perfect
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Nahhh…he just got goosed by the guy behind him. Nothing like the ol’ “dry thumb surprise.”
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Anything can happen in a crowded bar…
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Trump has turned TRUTH into a four letter word, so be careful what you wish for. What “those nasty Democrats insist on” is now a perversion of a five letter word….not unlike TRUMP himself.
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Wise words. It’s been a freefall since they voted the peanut farmer out of office…
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I’m going with ‘pretty boy’ as the secret bf/husband thingie. Somehow they ‘go’ together – Hubbard and his plus one. Because sometimes it really is all about the looks…or how someone might shake their cocktail…shaker **koff koff koff**
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Good point. A power couple can accomplish a lot if they’re pretty and show up at the right parties…
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My vote goes to the guy way in the back with the glasses…
Loved this post, Brian!
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Thanks, Sheila. Yep, that guy in the back looks a little shifty, so he’s probably got a secret or two… 😉
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See, I’m with Melanie – it’s the pretty boy. Only pretty boy doesn’t know of his boyfriend’s political leanings and is in for a shock. He’s also never met Old Mother Hubbard, so things are about to get interesting.
I wonder how long the photographer can hold out?
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Pretty boys are always in for a shock. Because there will come a day when they are no longer pretty.
Wait, that sounds jaded. Hang on whilst I adjust my medication [Sounds of prescription bottles being reviewed and compared.]
There, much better.
But what was the question, again? Oh, right. The stamina of the photographer. Well, he’s in Oklahoma. For him to STILL be there means he has a lot of it…
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Um…if he’s very well hidden, how am I supposed to see him? Was this a trick question? (Smiley face.)
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The questions are always tricky at Bonnywood… 😉
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