Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #277

Jimmy: “I’m sorry, what did you just ask?”

Maggie: “Where is your Husband Department?”

Jimmy: “Are you trying to find the Men’s clothing section?”

Maggie: “No, Husband. I need a new one.”

Jimmy: “May I inquire as to what’s wrong with the old one?”

Maggie: “He’s just not working out for me.”

Jimmy: “I’m sorry to hear that. But we don’t sell husbands. I don’t think anyone does. Well, not anymore.”

Maggie: “Yes, you do. I bought my last one here.”

Jimmy: “Excuse me?”

Maggie: “Well, I actually bought a toaster, but the clerk followed me out of the store and we chatted and we decided to go have coffee and then we got married. I just assumed he was a parting gift from your company for doing business here.”

Jimmy: “That’s a very remarkable story.”

Maggie: “It is, isn’t it? And so was he. At first. But then he started making a lot of noise that I didn’t care for and he wouldn’t work half the time and finally I just shoved him in the closet and I don’t use him anymore.”

Jimmy: “Are we talking about a husband or a vacuum cleaner?”

Maggie: “Well, there’s not a lot of difference, now that you mention it, but yes, a husband. My husband. That I don’t want anymore. It’s time for him to go. And I could use the closet space. Although I will say it’s been rather fun wearing his clothes for a lark. Doesn’t this cute little hat look fetching on me?”

Jimmy: “I’m at a loss for words.”

Maggie: “So was he, when I shoved him in the closet. And he’s been pretty quiet ever since.”

Jimmy: “Is he still in there?”

Maggie: “Of course he is. I don’t need him anymore. That’s why I’m here. To get a new one. I thought we had discussed this. Now, I’ve brought some specifications with me concerning the exact model that will most likely please me. I’ve learned a few things since the incident with the toaster. Do you have some inventory that I can review or will this need to be a special order?”

Jimmy: “Oh, it’s certainly a special order. In fact, it’s so special that I’ll need to check with my superiors to see just how we should handle this situation.  Would you mind if I excuse myself to make a phone call?”

Maggie: “I don’t mind at all. I’ll be just over here, looking at this fine selection of leather gloves. Oh, and by the way…”

Jimmy: “Yes?”

Maggie: “What time do you get off work? Would you like to meet for coffee?”


Previously published. No changes made, although I did have a yearning to contemplate what might be in the package Margaret is holding. Perhaps at a later time, like when I re-post this one once again…


37 replies »

  1. Perhaps she should consider leasing or even renting… ownership isn’t for everyone. (Boy that just reads really horribly🤦‍♀️ Thank goodness I’m known here at Bonnywood and need not fear misunderstanding)🥂🍾

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you feel comfortable about your status at Bonnywood, as you should. Acceptance is one of the important keywords in our Terms of Service Agreement. 😉

      And I’m all for a “trial period” with new relationships. If expectations are not met, then there’s no need to formalize the arrangement….

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, I completely agree with Maggie’s approach. Personally I’ve been sheltering 24/7 with Hub 1.0 for four months. Lockdown is lifting but they’re already warning about a new lockdown. So I’m wondering if you have to spend it with the same partner or if you get to exchange?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, the Lockdown has been a challenging experience, wherein we learned much more than we ever would have known about Loved Ones if we hadn’t been trapped in solitude. If someone has not proven satisfactory, alternate seating charts should be available during Lockdown 2…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello? Hello? Acme answering service? Leadership department? Hi. I need to send my Trump back. What? Look, it’s just not turning out the way I thought! It’s discoloured. And it keeps making strange grabbing gestures. Smells funny, too. Oh and his hat keeps falling off and he won’t stay in his box either. Every time I turn around, he’s wandering and muttering about something called Putin. Or maybe it’s poutine. I’ve had to repair it a lot. A lot! But it just keeps breaking and causing problems. And no one will honour the warranty! It’s just costing way too much! You need to take it back, and no, I don’t want a replacement. I don’t ever want to see it again. 😉

    Liked by 4 people

    • That answering service is gonna be busy!! Because NOBODY (sane) who got a “Trump” in their leader box has been satisfied. Mine? I had to staple his mouth shut, because every time he opened it, another glaring faux pas fell out. Or he tried to use it in a highly unwelcome and unsuitable manner to any woman with a pulse that he encountered. That orange ‘stain’ on the ‘skin’? Stains and won’t come out of the upholstery either. And mine is definitely not house trained. Where does one send it back? I’m dying to know!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hi Melanie, a few of those images will never leave my brain. Well done. 😀

        There are several uninhabited, remote islands in the South Sandwich chain. I believe the Trumps are being sent there. They won’t be in anyone’s way (well, Boris Johnson will be their PM, but since he’s another blowhard with silly hair and a juvenile taste in women, that shouldn’t be a problem) in that part of the world, and can entertain each other with their monotone mumblings, petty jealousies, squalid vanities, and childish tantrums. Best of all, they won’t be able to DO anything that affects real live people.

        Hi Brian, I look forward to PI 247! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • Lynette: Your comment is terrifically funny, and the plot points would make a delicious sequel to this post.

      Melanie: Wait, your comment is just as great. Maybe I should combine the two responses for the sequel?

      Both of You: As I’m sure you’re aware, I often make “great blog idea!” promises that fail to ever happen. But in this case I have scribbled “Lynette/Melanie/PI 247” on one of the handy note cards I always keep near my laptop, so there’s hope. At the same time, I made this entry just below the notation “Death at Shell”, a reference to the recent real-life episode wherein Bubbles and I nearly perished at a gas station, and I haven’t bothered to write that story, either. We’ll see what happens… 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • See how easily we can be tossed aside when newer models come on the market? It’s humbling and frustrating, but we CAN persevere, as long as we keep our filters clean and toast the bread in a satisfying way… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Brian, I hate to say this to you but I live in a country where a conversation like that would be totally normal and people would not understand why it was funny. One evening, at my wine club, a woman was upset because she had not specified “must not be romantic” on her shopping list. As a result, her husband, who was an award-winning chef, liked to run her a bath in the evenings, bring her wine, and sit with her for a chat. How very dare he?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Totally normal? Dang. Apparently I need to live wherever you are living. I’d much prefer people get to the point and not mess around with mind games and shenanigans. Of course, by moving, my blog would lose a lot of relevance and resonance, and my writing would wither on the vine. Still, open honesty? All for it… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have no witticism to offer on the subject of husbands. I wore mine out in a short eighteen years. He began to malfunction there at the end, and shoving him in a closet would have been kinder perhaps. But the establishment tends to look darkly at those who do that to their spouses (because men are guilty too..and have to go shopping for wives. I think the process is easier though. More women out there than men after all). In Maggie’s day (lucky girl that she was), one could do a bit of spousal closet shoving and get away with it. I’m a bit shocked she wants a replacement model though. Those things are EXPENSIVE!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • And the most important difference between Maggie’s day and ours is that we can’t do squat without security cameras and cell-phone trackers recording our every move. Now, if we did some closet-shoving, justified or not, helicopters would be circling our domiciles and unflattering photos of us would appear on the evening news. It’s just not fair… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my, a literary reference, which always make my heart flutter. (What doesn’t make me flutter? Being buried alive. Not really into that. Make a note in your password-protected file on Bonnywood Manor. I know you have one. Just as I have one entitled “Shifty Christi”. I’m kidding. I didn’t use the word “shifty”.)

      As for Jimmy drinking the coffee, we know now that he didn’t. But he DID drink the tea, as he was a Republican. Dreams die hard.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Brian…I’m so sorry, i was without internet for a few days plus moving…yikes, wordpress ate the link you so kindly sent me about your haunted experience…if you’d please resend I’d be thrilled and most appreciative! Many thanks, Jan 👻💓

    Liked by 1 person

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