Humor

99 Degrees of Annoying Suckage

Today was not the best of days.

The proceedings began when I was wrenched awake at the ungodly hour of 8am. Naturally, some of you will scoff at this timestamp, having already been awake for hours and having helped raise a barn in Amish country before breakfast. (You go, girl!) But since I hadn’t even gone to bed until my usual-ish 3am, a mere five hours of sleep was not something that I particularly cared to experience. Something was amiss, and I reflected on what might have caused the wrenching. Two seconds later, my body provided a cacophonous explanation.

I had a gas bubble the size of Detroit roiling about in my digestive tract, with burbling and gurgling and a satanic choir performing a black mass celebration.

It was rather intense, I must say. The truculence was causing my heart to pound, I was sweating like Julius Caesar when he first spied the knife in Brutus’ hand, and I was having visions. (Is that Marie Antoinette riding an armadillo? I wonder where she gets her hair done? Cute shoes!) I knew that the beast within needed to be the beast without, and I lunged out of the bed, racing to the facilities.

What happened in there cannot, and should not, be explained. Suffice it to say that I’m surprised the porcelain didn’t shatter into a million pieces and I didn’t plummet to the core of the Earth.

I stumbled back to bed, in a desperate quest for a few more minutes of slumber. My dream of such was almost immediately killed, because I’m just not one of those people who get to frolic through life, singing pleasant songs about furry bunnies and mint tea. I was still sweating, despite my beloved, rotating fan that is my nightly companion. Something was still amiss.

Naturally, because this is where many of us go these days, my mind zeroed in on the possibility that I had a fever, and having a fever might mean the Dreaded Covid, and I might be mere seconds away from being hooked up to a ventilator, and that’s never fun, even in the best of times. I lay there, drenched, composing my last will and testament, especially the bits where I shun all the people who were rude as hell in my lifetime. (I really don’t have much of anything to bequeath, but I’m still not leaving you anything, take THAT cousin Archibald.)

Then a second thought occurred. It really was hot in here. It’s not just me.

I lurched my sorry (and still gassy, mind you) ass out of the bed, and I went to investigate. Partner was in the front room, which has become his “home office” during this “work from home if you can” phase of The Lockdown, and he can. He appeared to be on a conference call, where he was having to gently berate people for being stupid. I’m retired now, but I do remember, quite well, having to deal with general idiocy. I quietly blessed him and continued my Dora the Explorer mission.

The kitchen seemed a bit warm.

The den seemed even more so, and there was a fan blowing, a fan that normally is not, and I didn’t recall said fan even being in said room. Interesting.

In the back room of the house, where I compose my Bonnywood posts and do my best to avoid society, another fan that traditionally is not used (unless we lose our minds and host a festive party of some kind) was also activated. It was obvious that somebody knew something I did not.

I stumbled back to the front room, intent on some form of Spanish Inquisition involving Partner. He was in the midst of more berating, with passive-aggressive words being used, and just before I opened my mouth, I realized it was one of those nasty Zoom meetings, confirmed by the fact that my gassy ass was now in the background of his little window on the multi-windowed conference call, with me looking all pale and tragic. And decidedly bloated. I scurried away.

I tromped my way to the control panel for the AC unit. The display informed me that, despite the settings which dictated our preferred atmospheric preference points, the actual temperature in the house was well above that. And the unit was not running. I professionally confirmed the “not running” by noting that absolutely nothing was blowing out of the vents, and the unit, perched above my head in the attic, was completely silent. (I took me some college classes, I sure did. Nothing gets past me. Except, apparently, last night’s dinner.)

Great. It was the middle of July and we did not have a functioning air conditioner. (The forecasted high was 99 degrees, with a heat index of 111.) The joy was overwhelming. I could have broken into song, but I knew it was pointless, as you wouldn’t have been able to hear it since my intestines were still sounding the siren of the sordid in three-part, vindictive harmony. I retreated to the bedroom, defeated and forlorn. And burbling.

The very second I heard Partner disconnect from the International Transponder, I was on it and him. “Um, you might want to take a gander at something I discovered on the AC control panel.”

He gandered, as waves of expression traveled across his face, first curiosity and then consternation and finally dawning horror. We were screwed. He cursed, we rended our hair, and Ophelia floated by on the river of our discontent.

Eventually, we tossed the melodrama aside (it’s hard to avoid our go-to natural instincts as card-carrying members of the Drama Queen Club) and got to work, checking on this and that. We fiddled with all of the buttons on the control panel, hoping it was merely something simple that we had overlooked. Nothing. Were any of the breakers flipped at the circuit box? Nope. (We toggled a few off and on, just for a fleeting but false sense of accomplishment. Now half the clocks in the house were blinking. Yay.)

I ascended into the deadly heat-box of the attic, brandishing a flashlight, and carefully studied the unit. I didn’t notice a thing amiss, other than the complete silence. Of course I didn’t, because I’m not a trained technician and my body was still in Mount Vesuvius mode, giving me the attention span of a potted fern and making my lumbering mission in the attic rather pointless. I climbed (okay, partly fell) back down the creaky, fold-out attic ladder and announced to Partner that it was time to reach out and touch certified people who actually knew what to look for and how to fix it when they found it.

He dug into his archives (we are both obsessive about keeping records of everything we’ve done, ever) and found the invoice from the last time unwelcome heat had darkened the Manor. He called Kozy Air (how’s that for an overly cute name?) only to, eventually, discover that they were no longer in business. (Pandemic fallout? Maybe, who knows.)

Interestingly, the company had forwarded their now-dead numbers to another company that wasn’t really aware that the numbers had been forwarded. This did not look good, but Partner began negotiations with the new company (“Advanced Home Comfort”, which is an odd name, underly cute), knowing full well we were in the midst of a heat wave and the company most likely did not have an open appointment slot until 2023. I fled the vicinity and checked the fill level on my bottle of “rescue” anxiety medication, fairly certain that I would need a pill before this mess of a day was done.

Aside: It should be noted that during all this traipsing about and general fretting, I did not bring up the fact that Partner had managed to locate and activate 37 fans throughout the house but did not bother to check the AC control panel. (He could have escalated the reparations hours before.) In a good relationship, you learn what to touch and what not to touch. This doesn’t mean I won’t bring it up five years from now when I need a good counterpoint in a vociferous discussion but, for now, we’re good.

I wandered back to the Crisis Management Center, wherein Partner was just hanging up the phone. “We have an appointment between 1 and 2 this afternoon.” What? After decades of owning a home and being fully aware that it can take years for service personnel to appear on the horizon, I was stunned to learn that they were going to be here in just a few hours. It was almost surreal.

Even more surreal? The guy showed up at 1:05pm.

I threw open the front door in a frenzy of salvation, more than willing to proffer the erotic use of my body just to show my appreciation. (Don’t look at me like that. It was hot in this grill, people. Those of you who have suffered through AC failure in the middle of the summer know exactly what I’m talking about. Desperate times can lead one to do desperate things, especially if one is already a tad bit horny from the heat.)

The Guy’s reaction? I couldn’t tell, because he was wearing a mask, and I quickly realized that I wasn’t wearing one (in the excitement of his arrival, I wasn’t thinking), so I immediately leapt backwards six feet, an acrobatic move that I didn’t know I could still perform at my age. Properly socially-distanced, I explained the whys and wherefores of our cry for help, detailing what preemptive measures we had taken and where things were located.

The Guy: “So the unit’s in the attic?”

I felt his pain. “Yeah, sorry.” I lowered the fold-out attic stairs and then ran off to the side, ashamed of my mask-less existence.

He climbed said stairs, dragging his investigative implements. As he neared the top of the ladder, and the oppressive, soul-killing heat smacked him in the face, he muttered a few choice Spanish words, unaware that I knew what he was saying. I did not take offense. I did not want to go up there, either. I just hoped that whatever he found would not bankrupt my checking account…

 

To be continued…

 

39 replies »

  1. Ours has gone out, too. And we’re in the south now. 35°C (95 F, I think) and it’s costing a pile. A big pile. It hurt to contemplate the outlay. But, we got prompt service as well and the new unit is expected in a day or two which will be long enough. The last few nights have been a sweaty mess. And yes, I woke up with covid nightmares thinking that I might have a fever. Yikes.
    I hope you’re feeling considerably less gassy now. Sweaty AND gassy? That’s just plain miserable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was really concerned that we might be facing some serious financial blow-back. Even though the inside and outside unit are not ancient, they’re not spring chickens, either. Luckily, it proved to be not nearly so devestating.

      And yes, sweaty and gassy is a terrible situation. I used some very strong language during the ordeal…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel your pain. One day this summer the temps here in northern Scotland soared to almost 68f. (Warnings about heatstroke and pleas for relief flooded our island Facebook page.) We’re not too sure what this thing you call “air conditioner” is but we did have to go to Code Taps Aff, in which all manly shirts were removed leaving brawny bare chested men in kilts wandering around and… Where was I? [fans self] Oh yeah—we understand “hot” here too.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Until last year we had one cool room in a sweat lodge of a house. We now sell pieces of our soul every summer (they won’t take sexual favors, go figure🤷🏼‍♀️) to pay the electricity costs of 3 loud clunking AC units. 2 window units, and one portable unit. My room is odd room out with a big window on one side and the side door to outside on the other.

    I have photographic evidence of one summer when the actual temperature was 117°F. I feel your pain… both heat related and GI related.

    I must protest against you leaving us dripping sweat watching your friendly service repairman climbing into the attic. Unfair and just wrong… no offer of a cooling beverage while we wait?

    (and yes, why were fans running but no AC progress made until you initiated it?? Walking softly is the best choice, but jeez louise 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I could not survive without air-conditioning in my bedroom. You’ve mentioned such in your posts before (as you well know) and every time you do I cringe. Darlin’, you’ve been through too much. Surely something can be worked out to rectify this situation…

      I do apologize for the cliffhanger. I hadn’t intended to do that when I was writing and prepping the post, but I suddenly realized that the piece was getting a bit long right as I scribbled the part about Hubert disappearing into the attic. So, I thought, well hell, if I’m going to break this in two, this is the perfect break point. So I did.

      I always walk softly. Until I can’t anymore. Then look out… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh! The horror! We lost our a/c down south after a hurricane…. it was the most miserable week of my life. My fingers are crossed it was a small fix, although after the miracle of a tech showing up the same day, on time…. means you’ve probably used up your allotment of divine intervention for at least a decade.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep, we’ve gone days without power due to the weather, both in the blazing summer and the 2 weeks of winter that we get in Texas, so I fully understand the wretchedness. And yes, despite the wanton proffering of my body to the On-Time Tech, my second reaction was “aw, hell, I I think I just depleted all my good-karma points”…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I too had an AC crisis but it was rectified quickly. Now I am as cool as The Fonz from Happy Days. But meandering through the machinations of your mishaps made me smile! Thanks. Hope it works soon. I will stay tuned.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really makes one wonder how in the WORLD the pioneers survived in this state, not to mention the Native Americans before them who truly own the land that all the white people stole from them. Those were some hardy people, I must say. Now? We whine if our internet signal goes out for a few hours. It’s all about perspective… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. so much fun in this one post, (sorry) and when was the last time you had a chance to use the word ‘truculence’ in a sentence after all? I totally get sleeping with a fan, and were the air to go out during this ongoing heatwave sent directly from hell, I would respond to the ac guy in much the same way, promising anything…

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need to be sorry. I can honestly say that every crappy situation for me has a silver lining, in that I know I can get a whimsical blog post or two out of it as well as get to use words like “truculence” whilst doing so.

      Thank you for understanding the ease with which I became a shameless tramp. We do what we have to do… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • same about the nightmares turning into blogs, every time something happens or doesn’t happen, my friends and family state/ask – “this is going to be a blog, isn’t it?”

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Dang! Internal AND external contremps! (we’re having a rarely used word challenge going here, aren’t we? It might, at least, provide some distraction..) I’m very glad the tech was able to show up quickly, because roasting alive ought to be reserved for creatures such as that orange moron in house. As to the internal burbling and attendant bloating? Aw. You’re in your own home, and while it might be considered bad manners by some, relief is the main consideration. Let it fly. Unless it smells of brimstone, who is to know? My thoughts are with you because nobody (unless it’s that orange moron) ought to go without A/C in the deep summer. Idea which I’ve never personally tried, but which I hear helps is putting ice cubes in a shallow bowl and placing that in front of the fan…instant ‘cool (ish) air. Also misting oneself with a spray bottle full of cold water helps A LOT. I’ve learned these because of the onset of hot flashes and my wish to appear dewy fresh even when broiling. One must have standards you know! 😆 I’m agog to read the next installment. This is good stuff!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Trust, when it’s just Partner and I stumbling about the Manor, we have no qualms about unleashing friendly fire. (We left behind, years ago, any semblance of modesty that comes with a new relationship.) I wouldn’t say we are PROUD of our unleashing, because at the base of it all the gunfire is still rude, but we no longer worry about repercussions, sonic or otherwise.

      I have made note of your cooling techniques, scribbling them down in my Diary of Endless Suffering. Another thing that works? Moving somewhere that doesn’t have miserable summers. I’m still working on that with Equally-Tooting Partner…

      Like

  8. Ah, I feel your pain – or at least some of it – the lack of ac part.
    We had the same experience this week. Not fun – but happily repaired. Took about 2 days for all of us to recover, but we did.
    Stay sane!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Just wait until the power goes down. Nothing electrical works then. If you are lucky and there’s a breeze you could hang wet towels over your window. Otherwise move into your car and run that AC. Or live out of your pool if you have one. Or take a LOT of cold showers.

    And don’t open the fridge/freezer until the power returns or you can count on tossing the contents.

    With a swamp cooler, 2 window mount AC units and a generator, no single failure is going to bother me. I’m a little better prepped than some. Plus I enjoy a bit of warm, sweaty nakedness.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hmm…”Advanced Home Comfort” was “uderly” cute? Bwahahahahaha!
    We went through the broken air conditioner in the middle of summer in Florida…but it took three weeks before someone could come out and install an new one.
    Hilarious romp through your trials and tribulations as usual. (Smiley Face.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Three weeks? No. Just, no.I would have lost it and done some very bad things. Of course, now that I think about it, I’ve managed to do some very bad things after something that only lasted three minutes. I might have a small problem when dealing with misfortune. It happens. But then I just write it out of my system, and it’s all good.

      Smiley Face.

      Like

  11. Oh my! That happened to us in Phoenix and it was JULY too, only the temperature was around 1000 degrees (possibly less). Wound up having to buy a new unit. Fortunately our A/C guy was a class act and didn’t soak us.

    I only want to add: I’m right there with Partner. I never think to look at the thermostat and I’m always the last to realize the room is getting warm or cold. Usually it has to get pointed out to me and then I say, “Really? I didn’t notice.” I’m not sure what it is about me, but I’ve been told I’d make one helluva Buddhist monk.
    No lie. Someone actually told me that and to cap it off, we were at church at the time. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Buddhist monk, eh? You really shouldn’t have told me that. Because I will bring it up later, guaranteed.

      Wait, that sounds threatening. I don’t mean it to be. Blame it on the heat! And my propensity for fixating on random trivia and not being able to let it go. As the doctor said at my murkily-documented birth, “He really clings to things.” Birth Momma: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for understanding my pain. It’s truly a special heat here in Texas. When I watch national news and hear forecasters in other parts of the country warning about a heatwave (“It’s going to be 93 degrees in New York City!”), I just want to invite those folks down HERE and see how well they do when it’s 113 in the shade… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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