Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #518

Jimmy: “There’s something happening here.”

Claudette: “There is? Is it my hairdo? I knew something didn’t feel right about this choice.”

Jimmy: “What it is ain’t exactly clear.”

Claudette: “Oh. Well, if it’s not me, you must be talking about the rather rude way you’re sitting, showing your junk and all. That’s never going to sell in the fly-over states.”

Jimmy: “There’s a man with a gun over there.”

Claudette: “Really? Then it must be Jimmy Cagney or Humphrey Bogart or Joan Crawford. All three of those men like props that can kill. I try to be pleasant about it when I work with them, but it’s really annoying.”

Jimmy: “Telling me I got to beware.”

Claudette: “Beware of what? Now you’re starting to scare me. Is this when I’m supposed to go to my safe room?”

Jimmy: “I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound.”

Claudette: “Well, I was hoping no one would notice, but I’ve been on a strict vegan diet lately, and there’s a lot of turbulence when you’re doing such. Those cauliflower burgers never shut up.”

Jimmy: “Everybody look what’s going down.”

Claudette: “Now you’re back to the rude angle. I have no plans to go down on anything, and neither should you, despite the rumors I’ve heard about that one roommate you had when you went to the liberal arts college.”

Production Assistant, running onto the set despite strict advisement from the director that he should never do such no matter how much he craved the spotlight: “Miss Colbert, while I am somewhat enjoying your floundering, I feel compelled to inform you that Mister Stewart is simply doing a performance art piece involving a protest song that will be released in the Sixties. Jimmy is a visionary, praise be.”

Claudette: “Why on earth would he do that? It’s 1939. This is absurdly surreal and my contract with the studio specifically states that absurd surrealism is something I should never have to deal with unless my career tanks and I have to start making movies in Italy.”

Assistant: “Should I mention that your new passport just arrived on the set?”

Claudette: “Damn it. Hedda Hopper told me I wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing now that I’ve won an Oscar.”

Jimmy: “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”

Claudette: “Oh, blow it out your pie-hole, Jimmy.”


Previously published, slight changes made. And if you were singing along with Jimmy’s dialogue before the Big Reveal about said dialogue, you get extra special bonus points. You get me, you really get me. Cheers.


36 replies »

    • Bingo. First to answer, first to name the song. Jimmy WAS a visionary, and I really admire much of his work. I’ll just quietly put aside the fact that he eventually became a Republican and helped get Ronald Reagan elected…


  1. Really f-ing funny. I dare you to start a blog hop using this framework. The output would be well worth the bit of effort. I was thinking you might use killer queen by queen with something starring Liz Taylor and Richard Burton – like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf. Great mash up material. I’ll get my moet et chandon that’s in a pretty cabinet and we’ll toast the success!

    Liked by 1 person

    • See, I’ve always been intrigued by these blog hop things I see happening on other blogs, but I really don’t know how to go about it. I just can’t seem to gain access to the right people although, admittedly, part of the non-access is my oft-times laziness. But if I have Queen and Liz and Richard on my side, perhaps I can finally make the breach, especially if Moet et Chandon is proffered on the finish line…

      Liked by 1 person

    • I never really understood the “sometimes Y” aspect of CSN. Was it a love-hate relationship? Was it a time-share thing? Drug usage? (Well, no, they were ALL doing that.) Of course, I was just a relative wee bairn during the constant shuffle, so lots of things flew over my Oklahoma head, but I knew SOMETHING was amiss…

      Liked by 1 person


    Me: There’s a killer on the road…
    You: What? Don’t mix song metaphors!! It confuses my adoring fans!
    Me: His brain is squirmin’ like a toad!\
    You: Stop that!
    Me: If you give that man a ride, sweet family will die… ♪♫♪
    You: Hijacker!

    Me: No. It was a reference to 2016 and the worst damned political decision ever hosted by Americans (the dim-witted ones anyway) who voted in that orange faced baboon and started the end of the world … as we know it. Oh my gawd. Here we go again!

    That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
    Birds and snakes, and aeroplanes
    And Lenny Bruce is not afraid
    Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
    World serves its own needs
    Don’t mis-serve your own needs
    Speed it up a notch, speed, grunt, no, strength
    The ladder starts to clatter
    With a fear of height, down, height
    Wire in a fire, represent the seven games
    And a government for hire and a combat site
    Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry
    With the Furies breathing down your neck!

    You: Hello? Texas National Guard? I’ve got a crazy woman singing on my front lawn and she WON’T LEAVE!! Plus she’s not wearing her Covid mask and I’m fearful for the safety of my surrounding neighborhood, not to mention my Goddess Cat. Oh and my partner.

    Them: We’ll be there directly sir. We got it covered.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You just kill me. In a good way, mind you, but I’m sure you already realize that.

      If we ever DO get together, physically but platonically, and we have the time to plot our nefarious plots in an unsupervised manner, the World will not be prepared for what we can unleash. On the flip side, it’s just as possible that we will spend our time together watching old movies and snacking on unhealthy things and just being happy, kindred souls. And I would be perfectly happy with that agenda… 😉


  3. Weird mind melding movie-music crossover. Lunacy of the highest fevered order! How your psychiatrist ust wonder where he/she is going to start.
    Annoying nerdfact; The ringing guitar running through this ditty is mimicking the sound of a police siren.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re assuming that any decent psychiatrist still allows me to flop on his swooning couch and pontificate. There’s a reason why I’m not allowed to cross the border of 37 states in the union. My mugshot has been distributed widely in certain professional journals.

      Nerdfact Rebuttal: I actually knew this. Not because I had the skills to figure such out myself, but because I attack reputable trivia websites with the vengeance of a woodpecker on crack…

      Liked by 1 person

    • The Muppets? Apparently I missed this intriguing bit of performance art. But you get extra bonus points for bringing this to my attention, because I loved that show. Fun and mildly subversive, but mostly sweet and willing to embrace things that were a little different. We need more of that these days..

    • Thanks for doing the Nancy Drew, Christi. The clip is great. But what’s kind of sad? This would probably not air today on a current show, because somebody would have a problem with it, despite the truth and honesty and humor. Someone at the NRA would get on the horn and start screaming about “Cancel Culture”, the latest buzz-phrase for the bigots, and Trump would then turn it into a Second Amendment issue.

      Perhaps I’m just bitter…

      Liked by 1 person

      • You know, it amazes me how simpatico we are. The way they’ve latched onto “Cancel Culture”, much as they did with “Politically Correct”, and then accusing liberals of being overly sensitive when they are doing the EXACT SAME THING.

        But no, I’m not bitter…

        Liked by 1 person

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