Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #520

Cary: “Why are you walking in the door like that?

Jean: “Let’s just say there was an incident and things didn’t work out well for me.”

Cary: “But you look like you’re in pain? What happened?”

Jean: “Well, apparently I made the mistake of trying to wear high heels in this scene. The director whisked me aside and told me in no uncertain terms that I’m contractually not allowed to be taller than you. So I’m making sure that I’m not.”

Cary: “That’s absurd! Wait, who is the director? We make so many movies a year during this Golden Age of Hollywood that it’s hard to keep track, unlike future stars who will make one movie twice a decade. And I might owe the idiot some money, so I need to be prepared for that.”

Jean: “Oh, he’s a new one, based on the fact that he’s sober, so you probably don’t owe him anything. At least I think he’s a him. There seemed to be a lot of unnecessary chiffon and flamboyance. Not that it matters, other than it would be nice to know where I should shop when it comes to his or her gift at the wrap party.”

Cary: “I see. Well, do what you must, but I should point out that you are currently conversing with my Internet-searched crotch and such an act may not make it past those sex-deprived movie censors who will one day run for Congress in morally-deprived states.”

Jean: “I already thought of that. We’ll just introduce a subplot about a spy-tracking mechanism in your left pocket. If I don’t adequately interpret the signal from your crotch, nations will perish and popcorn prices will rise at the concession stand. It’s a matter of patriotism and balanced food budgets.”

Cary: “Should you really be changing the script just to fit your own agenda?”

Jean: “Why not? The writer of this pointless story is clearly doing so.”

Cary: “You’re assuming that the writer actually has an agenda.”

Jean: “Good point. He does seem to flail about at critical moments. Should I go back out and come back in so we can give the story another try?”

Cary: “That’s what the writer keeps doing with all these endless reposts of his older material, hoping that nobody notices the new lipstick on old pigs.”

Jean: “And now you’re assuming that the writer understands country-folk sayings that don’t mean anything to people who aren’t country-folk. Like most of the world.”

Cary: “Sorry, hon. Now you’re the one who is flailing. The writer knows all about rural hypocrisy and dumb-ass phrases invented by inbred cousins who have suckled the teat of moonshine most of their lives.”

Jean: “Well, I can’t really compete with that image. Should we just start the scene again?”

Chiffon, the Director/ess: “That would be swell.”

The unpaid intern snaps the movie clacker with a bit more vindictiveness than necessary, probably because he was unpaid. “Scene 47, Take 2.”

Cary: “Why are you walking in the door like that?”

Jean: “Let’s just say there was an incident and things didn’t work out well for me.”

Fin.

 

Previously published. Modified and extended for this post.

 

29 replies »

  1. Okay now I’m (without success) looking at Cary’s crotch and I see nothing amiss. Uh. Could it be that my particular well, having run dry decades ago, can’t spot the obvious any longer. If I interpret things correctly, Ms. Jean could get her eye poked out if she’s not careful…what with the angle and all. I looked AGAIN and still nothing. *sigh* Who knew that Mr. Grant was short (as implied by the whole ‘do NOT wear heels around the man, egos being what they are in Hollywood – then and now). I remember being absolutely crushed to learn that Prince (R.I.P. dude) was teeny tiny. One carries certain images in one’s mind and in mine? That involves men being gigantic versus any woman (save those basketball ladies and certain cousins of mine) going. Maybe it’s because I’m sort of short and have height envy … could be. I still can’t find the rocket in the pocket though. Jean had a closer view of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    • First, there’s really nothing to see, crotch-wise. (Trust, I studied things as well, For research purposes, of course.) Cary is the one who steered the focus to his nether region, as men often do.

      Second, Cary was actually rather tall. (Six two!) I was merely playing with a possible height issue based on Jean’s odd yoga pose.

      Third, Prince WAS tiny. Now, go back and listen to some of his songs in search of “Napoleon Complex” issues and it’s all right there! Totally changes the lyrics.

      Fourth, I would happily change places with Jean. For research purposes, of course.

      Like

    • Good point. And now I’m thinking of that James Blunt song, “You’re Beautiful”, with that line about being high over his gal. Have you ever heard the album version of that single? He inserts a certain expletive in the “high” line, and that single word changes the entire song from sweetly romantic to creepy-stalker ode. The album is still really good, but Jimmy B needs to put that blunt down a little more often…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oooo, Cary Grant. Swoon!

    This post made me laugh, as yours always do. 🙂

    And PS.. what do you make of Biden’s VP pick? I am happy and hopeful. And i haven’t been hopeful in a long, long time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d love an undo button. And a repeat button, for the especially good moments. Hey, maybe even a shuffle button, so you can relax on a sunny patio and relive scenes that you’ve completely forgotten about until you see them again…

      Liked by 1 person

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