Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #175 (Variations on a Theme)

Original Take.

Henri La Moutarde, the trendy clothing designer, made an error in judgement with his latest line of fashions. People were simply unable to breathe whilst wearing them, assuming they could even get the bondage-gear on in the first place. In this unused shot from the launch of the new line, we can see that one model is already praying that she will survive the shoot and still be able to have children. The other model is unable to even speak so she is weakly waving a photo of an empty dining table to indicate that she didn’t eat for two weeks just to get the zipper closed and she is really, really hungry…


Rewind, Take Two.

Betty, left: “Is that your final answer?”

Nettie, right: “Yes, it was Mrs. Peacock in the dining room with the candlestick.”


Rewind, Take Three.

That pivotal moment when the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills found out that the budget had been slashed for the next season. Drinking ensued, but this did not lead to any of them getting an actual job like real housewives have to do in hills that are not Beverly…


Rewind, Take Four.

The unaired pilot episode of Laverne & Shirley. Things changed when one of the writers came up with the concept of “Boo Boo Kitty”, thus requiring a change in setting from Milan to Milwaukee…


Rewind, Take Five.

Muffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”

Mother, right: “Muffy, we’ve talked about this. Do not address me as your mother in public. I’m your sister when we leave the house.”

Muffy: “Oh, right. Anyway, Sister, I’ve finally decided to have plastic surgery just like you.”

Mother Sister: “Oh, honey, you’re twenty-three years old. It’s far too late to repair the damage. You’ll have to marry beneath you now.”


Rewind, Take Six.

Communications Officer, left: “Captain, I have established a link with the planet below, as requested.”

Captain: “Great. Put me on wide-area broadcast.”

Communications Officer: “Done. Proceed.”

Captain: “Attention people of Ikea. We are sick and tired of your cheap-ass products that fall apart when somebody sneezes. We are initiating an intergalactic trade war and-”

Communications Officer, interrupting with a bit more glee than necessary: “Ma’am Sir, the telecom equipment has failed and you are no longer broadcasting.”

Captain: “Don’t tell me. We got this equipment at Ikea.”

Communications Officer: “Yes. Aisle 427, Bin 3.”

Captain: “Damn it, Jim.”


Rewind, Take Seven.

Trampetta, left: “I just wanted you to know that I never meant to steal your husband. If I had known that he was married, I wouldn’t have twirled so hard on the stripper pole.”

Suffragetta, right: “But you have destroyed my life. I will be left barren and alone, just like this study of isolationism by Ansel Adams that I found on the coffee table.”

Trampetta: “I really am sorry. It’s just that Alfred and I have an amazing chemistry and I’ve never been happier.”

Suffrageta: “Alfred? My husband’s name is Bert.”

Trampetta: “Oh. Wait, isn’t this apartment 23?”

Suffrageta: “No, you twirling hussy. This is apartment 32.”

Trampetta: “My bad. I’ll just let myself out.”


Rewind, Take Eight.

Pamela, left: “Have you heard about that blogging site called Bonnywood Manor?”

Drusilla, right: “You mean that one where the writer takes old photos like this and then makes up insipid stories to go with them?”

Pamela: “Yes! Aren’t those stories fun?”

Drusilla: “Do you consider a Brazilian wax fun?”

Pamela: “Why would you go there? You sound bitter.”

Drusilla: “I am not bitter. Okay, maybe I am. I once sent him a photo suggestion and he never followed through.”

Pamela: “Oh, the writer has a history of promising things and then never following through. Just like Trump.”

Drusilla: “Who is Trump?”

Pamela: “An old photo with made-up stories.”


Rewind, Take Nine.

This is just a place-holder so we can make this list an even ten entries. Pretend like it was funny and just keep moving.


Rewind, Take Ten.

Buffy, left: “Mother, I’ve come to a decision.”

Mother, right: “Buffy? I thought your name was Muffy.”

Buffy: “That was my name in Take Five. I’m Buffy in this one.”

Mother, sighing: “It’s so hard to keep track of the character names around here. Would it kill the writer to have some degree of consistency with his stories?”

Buffy: “I feel you are invalidating me, and I really don’t appreciate it.”

Mother: “Fine. What’s this magical decision that you’ve plucked out of the ether?”

Buffy: “I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to keep quiet when I encounter inequality of any kind in this country.”

Mother: “And how did you come to this epiphany?”

Buffy: “I just realized that I’m sitting in the same chair and at the same table that you are waving about in that photo you have. But no one is sitting at your table.”

Mother: “I’m not sure that I follow you.”

Buffy: “There should never be an empty chair at any table. We all have the same right to eat from the same plate.”

Mother: “You sound rather invested in this equality thing.”

Buffy: “Welcome to Bonnywood. Please have a seat.”


Previously published, slight changes made. Care to join me on this mission? There’s plenty of room at the table…


19 replies »

    • I have spoken to the uffy gals and they have assured me that they will quickly attend to any of your needs. Well, except for that one gal, who made the disparaging remark about people who sing along with Melissa Etheridge. I had to let her go…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I laughed at Take Nine! (not that I didn’t chuckle appreciatively at the others, but… well, you know what I mean.)

    As for the table, when will people know there’s room enough for all? It’s like they’re stuck in high school and can determine who sits where. And seriously, who was happy in high school?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Take Twenty Thousand, three hundred and two: Unbiased on-looker who is really nosy and says a lot of nothing. People usually just ignore and move along. “Gee, look at those realistic mannequins! They seem like they’re going to speak at any moment! What craftsmanship! What lines…” Mannequin #1: Who you callin’ a “MANNEQUIN?” I’m calling my legal representative because we’re now “humans who don’t need to eat, breathe or poop. We’ve got EQUALITY man! Begins to sing “R.E.S.P.E.C.T ♪♫♪” Mannequin #2 (seated): “Oh just ignore her. She’s pissed off because the creator of our fine selves didn’t dress her in the haute coutour he gave to ME. Jealous cow that she is!” Mannequin #1 lets out a small squeal of rage and grabs the wig off her seated companion. This begets a cat fight, the likes of which has never been seen at the OK Corral and Variety Store, where one can get anything (within reason) if they’re willing to pay.” Unbiased on-looker: “Gee. Was it something I said?!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • And thusly, with expert precision and carefully-crafted nuance, you have just described the current political situation in America. I think you should run for president. You could do a far better job, even in your sleep, than the current Commander in Grief…


  3. 12 cm waist: no one ever thinks about me, remembers my name, or even knows I have one. They only ever want to know how big I am. *Sigh*
    Melania Trump: You think YOU have problems? I never promised anyone a rose garden! There’s gotta be a little rain sometime, y’know? Well, I guess there may have been during that speech … would someone please explain to me what it was about?? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • There’s a knock at the door…

      Mrs. S, answering said door: “Why are you making so much unnecessary noise?”

      Ikea Representative: “Because your husband keeps doing the same thing. We need to speak with him.”

      Mrs. S: “And what will I get out of it if I let you in?”

      Ikea Rep: “A coupon for twenty-percent off our frozen but still delicious Swedish meatballs.”

      Mrs. S: “Oh, that sounds rather pleasing. Take a seat in our Guest Chamber and I’ll see if I can yank him away from his beloved computer.”

      Liked by 1 person

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