Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #586

Jedediah, left: “Oh, good form with the jump. Excellent execution, I must say.”

Stephanie: “Why, thank you. I rather enjoyed it. Especially when the wind gusted up and I got a zing on my bing.”

Jedediah: “You got a who on your what?”

Stephanie: “Perhaps I should clarify by saying that I’m not wearing panties.”

Jedediah: “So the wind…”

Stephanie: “Came sweepin down my plain. It was lovely. You have to air the carpet out every once in a while or things get musty.”

Jedediah: “I see. Or perhaps I don’t. I’m a little confused. So, is that what you call your… womanliness? A bing?”

Stephanie: “Well, I call it a number of things, depending on my mood. Don’t you have names for your… manliness?”

Jedediah: “Oh, heavens no. I try not to call it anything.”

Stephanie: “That seems rather sad. Do you have issues with your dangly?”

Jedediah: “Of course I do. I was raised Southern Baptist. We don’t acknowledge any of our reproductive organs, never mind give them absurd pet names.”

Stephanie: “Interesting. This has been a rather revealing conversation.”

Jedediah: “I could say the same for you. I had no idea you ran about in such a wanton manner.”

Stephanie: “Oh, please. Like you’ve never left the house without your panties.”

Jedediah: “Certainly not! I wouldn’t dream of appearing in public without all my essentials properly swaddled and restricted.”

Stephanie: “Swaddled and restricted? Just what the hell do you do with your junk? No wonder it takes you longer to get dressed in the morning than it does me.”

Jedediah: “I sense that you are judging me for my religious beliefs. That’s not fair. Some of us restrict and some of us don’t.”

Stephanie: “I’m not judging, although I must admit it’s on the tip of my tongue. How can you be happy with a religion that negates your sexuality?”

Jedediah: “You don’t know. You weren’t there when I was raised in the church.”

Stephanie: “But I was there on our wedding night, Jed.”

Jed: “You promised not to bring that up, Steph.”

Steph: “It’s been two years since you didn’t bring it up, literally and figuratively. And you haven’t since, in either case.”

Jed: “Well, now you know why I always have a headache. I have trust issues.”

Steph: “You have trust issues? I’ve spent the last twenty-four months wondering if it was just me or if you have a hankering for the mailman.”

Marija, a lovely Croatian woman who happened to be walking by, rather slowly, so her gossipy instincts could be sated: “Hold up. You’ve never zinged her bing in two years? I vote for the mailman angle.”

Jed: “How does everyone in the world know about the bing except me?”

Steph, smiling politely at Marija: “Honey, thanks for the support, but I’ve got this. You can run home now and write a blog post all about it.”

Marija: “But what about your hoo hoo? My heart breaks at the dustiness of your tunnel of love.”

Steph: “No worries. I’m good. Especially since I figured out the mailman’s story last week. No more postage due, if you know what I mean. Run along, now.”

Marija ran, texting her friend Gladys Kravitz about the latest developments. (“Girl, you are not gonna believe this…”)

Jed: “I feel I should inquire about the posting from the postman. But I’m not sure I want to know.”

Steph: “You don’t. It was a minor dalliance and the zinging was merely mediocre. These things happen when couples are confused about coupling. More importantly, we need to rescue you from your southern baptism. First things first, go into that public restroom over there and take off your swaddling.”

Jed, hesitant: “Okay. But it might take a while. It’s an intricate process.”

Steph: “No matter. Just do it.”

Jed: “And then?”

Steph: “Then you are going to jump over this puddle and finally understand what it feels like to let your inhibitions go. We should all dangle the dingle whenever we can.”

Jed: “I’m a little bit scared.”

Steph: “We all are these days. Which is exactly why we should look to the future and not the past. Now go!”


Photo provided by the delightful Rivergirl.


23 replies »

    • This is just a suggestion, but perhaps you could explore the possibility that the CHALK dust is behind your tumbling mishaps. That mess gets everywhere, and the next thing you know the planets are out of alignment and somebody needs a butterfly bandage… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • But the box says Non Toxic🤓 You’re right about it getting everywhere. We used to make him do his chalk thing strictly outside… it rained all spring, then it got hot… what the Hello Kitty?! HE tripped over the dang jail thing that’s STILL taking up space🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ I sure do miss that Glorious Little Yellow School Bus 🚍😢

        Liked by 1 person

  1. this is hilarious and made me spit out my coffee! i got in trouble once from a neighbor, for telling my daughters the real names of all body parts and they told her daughters…. mom marched over and yelled out, ‘at our house, we say ‘ta-ta’ and ‘tu-tu’, and now your kids have ruined it!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Steph: “Then you are going to jump over this puddle and finally understand what it feels like to let your inhibitions go. We should all dangle the dingle whenever we can.”

    The best bit of advice I”ve heard all week…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Didn’t Shelley Long do that move in the dusty archives film she made with Bette Midler? (such an odd pairing, but the 90s brought us much confusion…not as much as NOW granted, but it started it). In my opinion. Now where was I? OH YEAH. I felt strangely targeted (not by you, dear writer, you’d NEVER target anyone who didn’t richly deserve it) because I never knew how much in common Southern Baptists and Mormons have in common (I hear the inaudible gasps from both sides of that fence and am sure my member ship in the latter (day saints *snicker* ) is probably now under review. O_o And it explains why I have no desire to dingle my un-dangly or get a zing in my bing or whatever subliminal code words are used for the hoo hoo and the trouser snake…. I’m sure someone, somewhere is glad I don’t air the fish any longer too. And it’s just plain weird to do such in front of the pet (dog, cat, iguana or parakeet). Pet trauma ain’t no joke.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is why I’m always saying that the “powers that be” should just combine Utah and Oklahoma. The teachings and the philosophies are very similar, albeit with a few minor variances concerning founding doctrine and choice of couture at critical moments. Then again, no one ever listens to me, mainly because I took one look at said doctrine and thought “meh, I’ve seen better”. You buck the edicts and suddenly nobody knows your name in the bar, Shelley Long… 😉


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