Note: I yanked this one out of the archives due to the “Fantasy Island” discussion a few posts back…
Bather #1: “I just found out about a place called Fire Island! I understand that I can find my people there. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to learn that there is a magical place where my painful upbringing in Oklahoma can be transformed into a Broadway play about redemption, resurgence and a satisfying dollop of revenge. Of course, nobody in Oklahoma will ever see that play, because Jesus will smite them if they do, but still. My people!”
Bather #2: “My breasts are not on speaking terms at the moment. I don’t know what happened. But it reminds me of growing up in Alabama, when the Whites and the Blacks had to drink from different water fountains. It’s still happening today, of course, because all the white officials who win rigged elections (“don’t let them colored folks vote!”) give a wink and a nod to “equality”, a concept that has never crossed the state line.
Bather #3: “Yes, I am wearing a bathing suit. Not that it would matter, because there ain’t nuthin’ up in this cargo hold. But that’s exactly why I voted for Trump, because his package is just as empty and I identify with his stunning inability to offer anything worthwhile. Four more vapid years!”
Bather #4: “I just made a post on social media that I’m really lonely and depressed and then I signed out without any further explanation. Please click like. But before you go, please watch this video I posted of me cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to a steamy romance. Except for that one Surprising Sunday in the barn. But my pastor (I’m not sure why he was there, but he was, maybe it was the primo moonshine from Grandpappy’s still in the hayloft) said I really shouldn’t talk about my fondness for livestock.
Bather #5: “What do you mean I look like I drink a lot of beer, with my trimester belly. Of COURSE I drink. Have you not met the four other people in this lineup of why some people should never leave the house? Well, except for Bather #1, my cousin Bruce. I really hope he makes it to Fire Island and Broadway. Because the thought of good people never getting the chance to sing their troubles away makes me want to drink more beer. And excessive alcohol consumption never really works out in the end. Unless you voted for Trump and you’re trying to negate your idiocy.”
Bather #5.5: “The plane! The plain!”
Previously published, modified considerably for this post.
Categories: Past Imperfect