Humor

Unexpected Penetration: The Randomness of Keyword Searches

As is the case with any serious blogger, I try to analyze what may or may not be leading folks to my site. There are a number of tools out there that allow you to delve deeper into the mystical congruencies of how anonymous people find you. Some of these tools are expedient and forthright, getting to the heart of the matter. But most of them come with a price tag, a dubious cost no matter how you package it, because that’s just how some people roll: Figure out a way to charge innocents for information they could gather on their own if they just had that extra ounce of gumption.

I don’t really care for rewarding other people financially for my own laziness, so I try to be forthright and keep an eye on the “Search Terms” box on my WordPress stats page. (This special box allows you to see what folks have typed into search engines that somehow resulted in a click on one of your posts.) The most immediate factoid I’ve gleaned from this effort is that very few people are finding me based on keyword searches. That box is often empty, which means that I’m using words in my musings that no one else is using. (I guess this should come as no surprise; I was considerably chastised in my urchin years for my vocabulary choices. A bar of soap was often introduced into the proceedings.)

In any case, when there are entries in the Search Terms box, I study them with scholastic intensity, trying to figure out what bells I might be ringing. Interestingly enough, I’ve discovered that people will peck out the weirdest possible combination of words, and when they do so, they often land on one of my posts. I generally take the personal-validation route and try to believe that I tell interesting and unique stories, and ignore the possibility that the pecker or yours truly or both might need serious therapy.

But lately there has been one group of words, and variations of, that has caused me a wee bit of concern: “village of the damned part 2 sex story”

What the hell?

Now, those of you who have been with me a while may recall that I ran a series of posts entitled “Village of the Damned” starting back in December of 2015. (And this was a revision of a series I ran several years earlier, back when I was still losing my virginity in the blogosphere. And if you remember the story from those days, and you’re still with me, all I can say is I cannot worship you enough.) Bottom line, my version of “Village of the Damned” involved my obsession with collecting and displaying miniature yuletide housing.  Nobody was bumping uglies. (Okay, there was a brief mention of possible carnality in one of the posts, but it was way later than Part 2.)

It’s the specificity of “Part 2” in the search terms that throws me. There’s nothing about sex in that post. Yet “Part 2” keeps popping up in the variations of keywords. (Other terms fluctuate: Sometimes it’s “sexe story”, indicating a possible French flair, and sometimes it’s “sex storye”, hinting at Old English ribaldry. Just the other day, it was “village of damned part 2 hot eex stories”. Eex stories? I’m going to assume that they were typing with just one hand, troubling as that image might be.

So it seems that there is a racy version of “Village of the Damned” somewhere in the underbelly of society. And apparently you don’t need to bother with Part 1, because Part 2 is where the good stuff happens, whatever that entails. I do feel slightly bad that some randy folks are finding their way to my blog, only to experience literus interruptus, but there’s really not much I can do about that. I just wanted to tell a simple holiday story about my fascination with things that can be plugged in that give me joy.

Oh wait, maybe I just made the connection…

 

Previously published, no changes of any realistic value have been made.

 

Footnote from previous post:

For those of you who will not be able to sleep tonight unless you learn whether or not this twisted wretchedness is continuing, here’s a review of the recent phrases in my “Search Terms” box:

02/11/18: “village of damned part 2 sex story” (See? That really is a search that people use.)

02/10/18: 3 “Unknown search terms. (What the hell does that mean, unknown? What can these people be typing that is unknown? “How can we finally get rid of Trump”?)

02/09/18: 5 “Unknown search terms”. (I’m starting to get worried.)

02/08/18: 3 “Unknown search terms”. (Are these the same three people? Are they thinking the results will somehow be magically different?)

02/07/18: 1 “Unknown search term”. (I guess two of the searchers had the flu.)

02/06/18: Another single entry, “pickfair manor”. (I have actually blogged about Pickfair Manor several times. But it’s kind of sad that this is the only actual, useful validation this blog has received from a research perspective in over a week.)

02/05/18: “village of the damned sex stories” (There it is again. But this person dropped the “part 2, meaning they have lowered their standards and they still landed on my blog. I feel so special. Does this make me a Kardashian?)

Peace.

 

New footnote for this post:

The madness continues. Here’s a sampling of search terms over the last month or so:

09/07/20: “tumblr girls who do not mind taking a tumble”. As you can see by the date, this happened today. The scary part? There are TWO instances of this phrase. Are there really two people who need to know this intel or just one person who is really determined?)

09/03/20: “mbc Bonnywood” (Hmm. This one is actually intriguing, as I once did a collaboration story series with the lovely Melanie, entitled “The Bonnywood Embassy”. I can sort of see the connection, with perhaps the “mbc” being an attempt at “embassy”. But the chances are strong that the two are not related. And if not, what IS “mbc”? Wait, our collaboration DID take place in Utah. Maybe “Mormon Broadcasting Corporation”? Hmm, part two.)

09/02/20: “life lessons in horror movies” (Hold up! I actually wrote a post that, basically, has that phrase in the title. So, this proves that keyword searches actually work. At least 1.7 percent of the time…)

08/24/20: “I like to expose myself in public” (Whoops. This one is on me, as I also did a post that essentially contains that phrase, if you scramble the words a bit. But I’m assuming what I talked about in THAT post is not what THIS person is looking for. I’ll wager that it was Trump who entered the keywords, searching for another way to distract from his inability to function as a decent member of society.)

08/12/20: “village of the damned sex stories” (There it is again! Does anybody out there know the details about this mystical damn village where the sex is so extraordinary that people across the planet are yearning for copulation continuance? If so, please post a comment. You don’t have to explain WHY you know, of course (not my business), but a discreet link would be much appreciated.)

Also on 08/12/20: “young teens in frilly panties” (Okay, that’s it. I really need to clean house on this blog. Because I don’t want nuthin’ to do with THAT phrase, no sir. Sometimes the Internet is far more user friendly than it should be…)

08/10/20: “pearls funny girl” (Whew! A phrase that actually makes sense, as I scribbled yet another post with similar words, and this one has nothing to do with anything naughty. Swear. So I’m going to end my research right here, because I really don’t need any more examples of  how what I’m doing here at Bonnywood could lead to a courtroom situation.)

Peace, part two.

43 replies »

  1. May I jump in with my two cents? Sometimes, people are writing fiction stories and think up names, and they search online to see if it’s available. Two years ago, I made up a name for a character in a story, and three months before it was published, a celebrity named their child the same thing. I deliberately used the title of a song featured in a reality show episode as the title of a blog post, and the hits came on. My most visited post, for years, was “What to wear to a wine tasting.” I didn’t think anyone would read that article, but quite a number of people with no fashion sense came over to tell me off. So, out of compassion, I disabled the comments because my advice is still on trend, today. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I will admit that some of my post titles could qualify as “click bait”. (The title of this one, for instance.) But really, most of the time, the title develops as I write the story. In fact, sometimes the story pours out of me quickly and I spend much more time on the title.

      As for folks not being happy with what you might have shared, I’ve been exceedingly lucky with this blog. But the original incarnation of “Backup Dancers from Hell?” Holy cow, those people could get vicious, fully missing the point that the entire blog was satire. Sheesh.

      Now, this stolen celebrity name. Would it happen to be “Uvula Beaudelaire”? Asking for a friend…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post, Brian. 🙂

    I have very weird weirdisms show up in my search terms, too, and did a post about that a long time ago called “Narcissist Piano” because that was one of the weird weirdisms. Others that have lead people to my site? “What’s for breakfast?” “CSI Coitus” and “X-Files.” I get “Unknown Search Term” a lot, which I understand shows up when Google is protecting privacy. Unlocking the “unknown search term” is apparently picky, time consuming work.

    So, maybe it’s Trump trying to expose himself in the damned sex village. Sounds like his style. Certainly, there’s nothing in his head that you want exposed. Cover that mess back up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The search words and phrases can be truly head-scratching. To be honest, I usually check the Search Terms box more for entertainment than actual research. Some folks are just strange, there’s no getting around it. But I will admit that some of the phrases have been so off-kilter that they’ve sparked story ideas that eventually came to fruition. Every day is a new day on the Internet. Especially for Trump, as he lies so much that he can’t possibly remember what he said even two hours ago…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. First…. I’m bereft that I missed your Village series and that I’m too new a reader for you to worship me. I like to picture an altar devoted to my likeness in your living room. Second… teens in frilly panties? What the utter f*ck!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bri – mbc = metastatic breast cancer – someone must’ve read our commentary or I’d hate to think I’m being stalked by a guy who gets off on terminally ill women in Xmas villages. I had not yet brought this idea up to anyone yet, but you probably have broadcast it from your high and mighty readership and boom, suckah! There’s a Santa Clause Little Brian.

    PS I too feasted upon my share of ivory soap bars. I 4th grade I was so bored I picked up a book and changed every verb and noun to forms of the word fuck. My teacher got me into the gifted program realizing my vandalism wasn’t the start of any sort of sociopathic tendencies but my mother still made me eat ivory and then grounded me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Actually, I think you’re onto something with your thoughts on the “mbc” angle. Even though the Internet is massive, it’s amazing how often just two or three search terms will lead to a very small set of sites. (And yes, I choose not to consider the specificity of the stalking possibility. There’s too much madness to contemplate as it is.)

      As for my own Ivory soap experiences, it’s fair to say that I was generally an angelic child. But when I went off the rails, I didn’t just jump the tracks. I would go over the cliff and down the mountainside, leaving carnage hither and yon. I’m a slow burner, but once my long fuse is spent, look out…

      Like

  5. You are still an urchin, just taller. I have not located that search terms box yet. I often look up bloggers that like bloggers whom I like. I will contend that is how I stumbled across your Bonnywood universe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I will always be an urchin, at heart. (But you really should find that Search Terms box, if only for entertainment purposes.) I also used to be rather industrious about perusing folks who follow blogs I like, but I eventually learned that “follower” does not necessarily mean “like-minded individual”. I do peruse from time to time, but I am much more wary. Still and all, everything is mostly happenstance, and great treasures can be found…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You get some strange folk stopping by. Of course, I’m a lot strange myself😉 I’ve seen the searching box thingy direct people to my little blog over some truly random stuff. Most of it is easily explained. I must say this shexy Village thing is intriguing. The “adult” movies that are riffs on actual movies are quite campy and hysterical. Ummm, so I’ve heard… not that I would know first hand… aw dang🤐😳😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed, the porno riffs on actual movie titles can be very entertaining. (One of my favorites is “Saving Ryan’s Privates”. And I freely admit that I know a thing or two about adult movies. Well, adult movies of a certain persuasion. Outside of that box? Not much.) In the end, crazed search terms aside, I’m fully aware that much of the blogging world is all about happenstance and random clicking…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Interestingly enough, the link does allow me to pull up the page, but the actual video will not load. But as you say, the synopsis (which I can see) makes me feel a little bit unclean, even though I have nothing to do with those people. The world is often a tainted oyster…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Being out of touch with things like Search Engines (deliberately, I have put up signs that virtually read “No TRESPASSING!! Violators will be shot!” in my efforts to avoid being found by a search engine. And yet I AM. “MBC” or “mbc” are some of my initials (I have more, and that’s not a story I care to share right now. Particularly not in a comment box). I’m both flattered and saddened that someone used them to spell “embassy”…I smell phonetics being used as a spelling tool by some sad individual who has far too many hormones raging through their being. I’m sorry you are being hounded by those horny individuals. In their quest for fulfillment (which shall never be sated, because ‘Ms. Palm and her five sisters ((or brothers if that’s the wind blows)) ‘ are never as good as the real thing). I just hope they clean the door step if they come over… (oh yeah. It had to be said by someone and why not me?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • As noted, I did think of you when I spied the “mbc” search capture. But it’s probably fair to say that what we might ponder has nothing to do with the reality of what others are doing. People are crazy. Most of them benignly so, but there’s still a measurable contingent of nutjobs who deserve more scrutiny. Then again. I’m probably in that contingent, especially when it’s the wee hours of the morning and I’m using odd search terms to find inspiration for my next “Past Imperfect”. And so the world turns…

      Like

    • “Sex and bondage” on YOUR blog? Hmm. The “bondage” aspect I get, as your Ex is a total tool and SHOULD be restrained. But the sex? I don’t recall you ever expounding upon such. Unless you count that one post where you… well, it’s best that I not go into details lest we trigger some other wacko to start pointing and clicking…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Interestingly enough, “boob” also used to appear in my Search Terms box, but I trust it had more to do with character depictions rather than physical highlights. At least that’s what I’m choosing to tell myself…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. My, but you get some mighty interesting search terms used! Mine are usually just “unknown” — which I’m kind of like, if they’re unknown, how do you know they’re there? But recently I’ve started seeing “Bad Joke Monday” getting used, so THAT thrills me. (OMG, I’ve got a brand!)
    Here’s a weird one though: have you ever had it where a search term is shown and it’s for a very specific post, yet the views on that post are way high. Meaning, one person came via the search term, yet the post itself had 35 views. Weird, right?
    I say this because it happened to me recently and the post is four years old, almost to the day.

    Like

    • Yes, I DO see that mess where someone finds a specific post using a specific search phrase and the view tally spikes. This means either A) that person keeps coming back on subsequent days (it’s my understanding that WordPress only counts one post visit a day per individual user) or B) this person invites all his friends to come peruse said post. The troubling aspect? None of these people leave any comments, so I have no idea what the excitement was all about…

      Liked by 1 person

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