Past Imperfect

Past Imperfect – #577

Once upon a time, Ronald Reagan, Donald Trump and Joe Biden walked into a bar…

Ronnie, left: “Some day I’m gonna be president.”

Trumpy, middle: “Why would you do that? Is there any money in it?”

Joey, right: “I’m gonna be president, too. But first I’m gonna be a Councilor and then a Senator so I can learn the ropes.”

Ronnie: “Learning is overrated. When I’m president, I don’t want people to figure out that I’m lying.”

Stumpy: “I can lie. I’ve been doing it all my life. Say, maybe I should check out this president gig.”

Joey: “Come on, guys. We should do the right things that help the most people.”

Ronnie: “Oh, screw that. I’m gonna be a conservative, because than you can do whatever you want and not worry about helping anybody but your political base.”

Dumpy: “Now I’m getting kind of aroused. Where do I sign up?”

Joey: “Look, both of you are forgetting that public service is about understanding that everybody has a right to equal opportunity.”

Ronnie: “Oh, really? Like the opportunities you’ve had to make women feel uncomfortable? I’ve heard the stories, Joey, with the inappropriate touching you did forty years ago when all men were inappropriately touching.”

Humpy: “I love making women feel uncomfortable and I touch them whenever I want because I have a lot of money. Well, my daddy has the money, but it’s basically mine, so, same thing.”

Joey: “That’s it. I’m done with both of you. I may have fumbled a few things in my life, but that’s nothing compared to the nastiness the two of you will unleash, especially the way both of you will ignore a pandemic and let people die in the name of politics.”

Ronnie: “Get over yourself. Americans have a short attention span and that’s why the Republican party still exists.”

Trumpy: “I have a short attention span, too! That’s why I love Twitter. What were we talking about?”

Joey: “You know, Ronnie, I’m a little worried about this short-ass freak between us. Maybe this is one of those patriotic times when the political parties work together to stop the insanity?”

Ronnie: “I couldn’t agree more. He’s a clueless moron that reeks of incompetence. But here’s the thing, Joe. After I die, the Republican party is going to veer off into an immoral wasteland of ineptitude and cluelessness.”

Dumpy: “I love that wasteland. I was born there!”

Joey: “So how do we save the soul of America?”

Rachel Maddow, designated moderator of this impromptu presidential debate: “Gentlemen, we only have a few moments left until we morph into a huge block of unrelated commercials, so please summarize your political legacy in four words or less.”

Ronnie: “Ignorance is a blessing.”

Humpty Dumpty: “Fear motivates my base.”

Joey: “Decency will triumph eventually.”

Somebody bangs on a cowbell and the three men race off to review the latest polls. Stumpy gets lost and confused along the way, whips out his phone to send a Tweet that CNN is lying about him getting lost, gropes a woman and then immediately sues her for not praising him enough, issues an Executive Order banning critical thinking in his administration, and then he wanders off to play golf at his latest resort in New Hitler, New Jersey.

 

Ten minutes later, Rachel Maddow walks into a bar…

Bartender: “What can I get you?”

Rachel: “Well, I feel compelled to apologize to the rest of the world for the absolute travesty of current American politics. Do you have a drink that can help me with that?”

Bartender: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The rest of the world stopped taking us seriously the very second that Trumpy laid his grabbing hand on a stolen Bible and corrupted the Oath of Office. We’re now just a terrible sitcom that should have been cancelled years ago.”

Rachel: “But I still feel bad about our image. That fake-tan blob of ineptitude in the White House does not represent most Americans.”

Bartender: “Fair enough, and true. But until all the decent people actually start voting in every election instead of sitting at home and whining about things, this deadly sitcom is going to be renewed for another four seasons.”

 

Previously published on “Crusty Pie”, modified moderately for this post.

On said previous post, someone named “Ron” at “mychristianity2017.blog” (which can no longer be accessed, go figure) made a comment…

Ron: “Your full of shit young man your nothing but a commie piece of shit.”

Hmm.

I ignored the hypocrisy of his claim to be a Christian yet making a nasty comment, overlooked his conception of my non-existent youth, and focused on a lesser angle:

Brian: “Looks like somebody didn’t pay attention in grammar class…”

After all, what’s the point in debating morals with an unarmed man?

Still, we should do what we can to get another unarmed man out of the White House.

54 days and counting.

Cheers.

 

31 replies »

  1. Terrific post, Brian, well said.

    I hope that Trumpy the Jumpy a) jams his dick in his zipper, b) loses the election, c) falls down a ramp, d) loses the election, e) traps his foot in a roll of toilet paper, f) loses the election, g) watches helplessly as his hair blows off his head, never to be seen again, h) loses the election, and i) is arrested the day after. All in front of as much press as possible, and especially in front of Ron the Christian. My hearty good wishes. 🍀

    Liked by 7 people

  2. The more I meet Ron TheCrossUncharitableChristian Mangling American Grammar Again types the more I take comfort in my eternal deep abiding fundamental agnosticism. For what it’s worth, bless, Brother Brian.

    Liked by 3 people

    • They are legion in Texas, hollering and misspelling and befouling everything. The producers of “The Walking Dead” could have saved a bundle on production costs if they had just set up a camera in the town square and let it run….

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Blue Wave! Blue Wave! BLUE WAVE! I’m shaking my pom poms, but they don’t have an emoji for that yet, soooo 🌊🤸🏼‍♀️🥳🗳☑

    The ability his “religious” fans have of contorting around every unkind, unethical, un-Jesus-like things he does, so they can keep supporting him is quite amazing. Not that I agree with any of their grammatically incorrect ravings, but you gotta admire the way they twist it around to make it fit… must be uncomfortable, being that twisted🥨

    🌊🤸🏼‍♀️🥳🗳

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ronny (ie?) looks surprisingly fit for a dead guy, Biden has the best physique, sadly enough age does permanent damage to all things physical; and that mess in the middle? Doesn’t deserve nor warrant a comment. Upon viewing that the following odd little comment popped right in my mind and won’t leave without a mention, so for the sake of my sanity here it is:

    Shrimp on the non-Barbie (aka Ken): “Gee Wally (Ronny, Joe), thanks for letting me tag along! This is so super exciting that I think I’ve soiled myself a little… in a misogynistic kinda way! I’m gonna be King of the Country Ma, but nobody will ever give me any respect! I am now running with the “big dogs” and got off that porch at last, and it’s a good thing. Because the drivel that I vomit up every time I open my mouth was beginning to stain the splintered wood, and it smelt simply awful!” The bigger men look around furtively and then run away from the shrimp really quickly, lest they be tainted by association…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you shared the popping comment, as it’s also spot-on. (I’m even more impressed than usual with the Bonnywood patrons today, as they are on fire with wordy goodness.) And your words speak to the very essence of the drama: Trump is so obsessed with the validation of his own warped, grandiose self-image that his entire life has been one long sociopathic stain on the splintered wood of decency…

      Like

  5. I think you wrong Ronnie. He did what he thought was right for the country even if it involved a bit of deception and sleight of hand. He did sign the START treaty that Jumpy is flushing down the tubes. We don’t have to agree that it was the best thing for the country but I think he came from a place of honest conviction.

    The only honest conviction that Jumpy will ever know would leave him in prison.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, we do have different viewpoints on the matter. And I’ll agree that he had conviction (and much more political and social finesse). I could list a number of varied reasons why I’m not a Reagan fan, but I’ll just mention this: Part of his conviction involved letting thousands of Americans die during the AIDS epidemic while he willfully turned his back, thrilling his base, many of whom cheered on the devastation in the LGBT community. It was YEARS after the crisis began before he even mentioned “AIDS” in a press conference, and even then he only did so to call it retribution for a “lifestyle choice”. (This was the infamous press conference where many of the reporters reacted by standing up and turning their backs on HIM. To your point, though, Reagan was actually stunned by this reaction. He truly thought he was doing the right thing by not doing anything. But it was only the right thing for his base, not ALL Americans, which should have been his focus.)

      Sorry, I got a little bit soap-boxy with my response. Please don’t feel like you can’t share your opinion here at Bonnywood, as I welcome healthy discussions. And maybe next time I won’t get all dramatic and Norma Rae about it… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I love how confidently Joe strides in! (I’m counting too)

    Here’s where I place my hopes: the more frightened Dumpy gets, the more stupid he gets, the more careless he gets, and eventually — oh god, it must — people will finally realize what a liar he is.
    I’m not saying his supporters will flip and vote for Biden, but more likely they just won’t vote.
    My biggest worry is what will happen after. He’s unlikely to accept a loss, he’s pretty much said that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, I fully expect that Trump will not accept a loss unless the percentages are overwhelmingly against him, and even then he might refuse to leave. It’s not out of the question for the situation to get so bad that it will drag on for months while the courts bandy things about, as the Constitution doesn’t address this kind of mess and there are no rules. And he’s never followed any of the rules, anyway…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. “We’re now just a terrible sitcom that should have been cancelled years ago.”
    You are more correct than you think. I am an outsider. For the past few months, I’ve been following news from your country to cheer myself up…when I recounted what I learnt about your country and your CiC to my family at the dinner table, we laughed until we choked on our food – you guys helped us bond as family.
    Lately, I stopped following the news because (I am not exaggerating or making this up), I am getting terrible dreams, and wake up anxious. And this is beyond my usual anxiety that comes from living where I do. So, it is really a sitcom that needs to be cancelled.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you liked that line, as I was mildly proud of it.

      I fully understand the terrible dreams and anxiety. They are with me continually these days, constant stabs at what we once were.

      It’s a wretched sensation, being in this country right now. In a span of just a few years, a renegade man (who does NOT represent the typical American) and a political party that confoundingly worships said renegade (with an ignorant and hypocritical fervor I have never seen in my long years) have managed to severely harm, if not outright destroy, most everything good that America used to represent. The country is upside down, with lies replacing truth, justice maimed by snickering, vengeful third-graders, governmental checks and balances shattered by incompetency and dark allegiance, and decency left a low-pulse whale on a beleaguered beach, next to a tattered copy of our Constitution.

      All because Trump wants to Make America Hate Again, and his legion of supplicants who are wetting themselves with the opportunity to rise up and destroy all that is good, raising high the Trumpian mantra of Divide and Conquer. It’s the legion that troubles me more than than yet another soulless, trust-fund brat who is so self-consumed that he doesn’t know compassion from a hole in the ground. That legion is the true cancer in the Body Politic, and it will take many rounds of chemotherapy to get us anywhere near remission, and the prognosis will still be iffy, at best. How do you save the moral lives of legionnaires who have suckled at the teat of “Fox News” and their ilk for so long? They haven’t seen an honest bit of news reporting in thirty years. Their conception of reality has been warped, repeatedly.

      Long road ahead of us, mon ami, filled with many daunting potholes of ignorance and idiocy and insurrection and ignominy. And while the rest of the world may be laughing at our sitcom, understandably and rightly so, the fact remains that America is still a major part of the machinery that runs the world. We, and by that I mean all decent nations, need to do our best to make sure the cogs and sprockets of the American machine are greased with honesty and forthrightness, not rusted by hypocrisy and bigotry and hegemony.

      Stop playing nice with the man, and his political party, who cannot play nice. Draw the line in the sand. America is no longer a country that you should fear offending, because any sense of moral leadership has been poisoned by The Man Who Screwed Too Much. Do what you can to encourage decent people to find their way to a voting booth and maybe, perhaps, we can negate the Legion Who Worship At An Empty Altar. Fingers, crossed.

      Well, now, dear friend. I suppose you didn’t expect such a response to a random comment you innocently composed. But these things happen here at Bonnywood, wherein certain triggers can be flipped and off I go. I apologize in advance for the next step.

      Because said response just became my next blog post, surprising both of us.

      I hope you approve.

      Cheers.

      Liked by 1 person

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