Once upon a time, Ronald Reagan, Donald Trump and Joe Biden walked into a bar…
Ronnie, left: “Some day I’m gonna be president.”
Trumpy, middle: “Why would you do that? Is there any money in it?”
Joey, right: “I’m gonna be president, too. But first I’m gonna be a Councilor and then a Senator so I can learn the ropes.”
Ronnie: “Learning is overrated. When I’m president, I don’t want people to figure out that I’m lying.”
Stumpy: “I can lie. I’ve been doing it all my life. Say, maybe I should check out this president gig.”
Joey: “Come on, guys. We should do the right things that help the most people.”
Ronnie: “Oh, screw that. I’m gonna be a conservative, because than you can do whatever you want and not worry about helping anybody but your political base.”
Dumpy: “Now I’m getting kind of aroused. Where do I sign up?”
Joey: “Look, both of you are forgetting that public service is about understanding that everybody has a right to equal opportunity.”
Ronnie: “Oh, really? Like the opportunities you’ve had to make women feel uncomfortable? I’ve heard the stories, Joey, with the inappropriate touching you did forty years ago when all men were inappropriately touching.”
Humpy: “I love making women feel uncomfortable and I touch them whenever I want because I have a lot of money. Well, my daddy has the money, but it’s basically mine, so, same thing.”
Joey: “That’s it. I’m done with both of you. I may have fumbled a few things in my life, but that’s nothing compared to the nastiness the two of you will unleash, especially the way both of you will ignore a pandemic and let people die in the name of politics.”
Ronnie: “Get over yourself. Americans have a short attention span and that’s why the Republican party still exists.”
Trumpy: “I have a short attention span, too! That’s why I love Twitter. What were we talking about?”
Joey: “You know, Ronnie, I’m a little worried about this short-ass freak between us. Maybe this is one of those patriotic times when the political parties work together to stop the insanity?”
Ronnie: “I couldn’t agree more. He’s a clueless moron that reeks of incompetence. But here’s the thing, Joe. After I die, the Republican party is going to veer off into an immoral wasteland of ineptitude and cluelessness.”
Dumpy: “I love that wasteland. I was born there!”
Joey: “So how do we save the soul of America?”
Rachel Maddow, designated moderator of this impromptu presidential debate: “Gentlemen, we only have a few moments left until we morph into a huge block of unrelated commercials, so please summarize your political legacy in four words or less.”
Ronnie: “Ignorance is a blessing.”
Humpty Dumpty: “Fear motivates my base.”
Joey: “Decency will triumph eventually.”
Somebody bangs on a cowbell and the three men race off to review the latest polls. Stumpy gets lost and confused along the way, whips out his phone to send a Tweet that CNN is lying about him getting lost, gropes a woman and then immediately sues her for not praising him enough, issues an Executive Order banning critical thinking in his administration, and then he wanders off to play golf at his latest resort in New Hitler, New Jersey.
Ten minutes later, Rachel Maddow walks into a bar…
Bartender: “What can I get you?”
Rachel: “Well, I feel compelled to apologize to the rest of the world for the absolute travesty of current American politics. Do you have a drink that can help me with that?”
Bartender: “Oh, don’t worry about it. The rest of the world stopped taking us seriously the very second that Trumpy laid his grabbing hand on a stolen Bible and corrupted the Oath of Office. We’re now just a terrible sitcom that should have been cancelled years ago.”
Rachel: “But I still feel bad about our image. That fake-tan blob of ineptitude in the White House does not represent most Americans.”
Bartender: “Fair enough, and true. But until all the decent people actually start voting in every election instead of sitting at home and whining about things, this deadly sitcom is going to be renewed for another four seasons.”
Previously published on “Crusty Pie”, modified moderately for this post.
On said previous post, someone named “Ron” at “mychristianity2017.blog” (which can no longer be accessed, go figure) made a comment…
Ron: “Your full of shit young man your nothing but a commie piece of shit.”
I ignored the hypocrisy of his claim to be a Christian yet making a nasty comment, overlooked his conception of my non-existent youth, and focused on a lesser angle:
Brian: “Looks like somebody didn’t pay attention in grammar class…”
After all, what’s the point in debating morals with an unarmed man?
Still, we should do what we can to get another unarmed man out of the White House.
54 days and counting.
Categories: Past Imperfect