Humor

Mea Culpa

By on • ( 53 Comments )

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”

“And how is that, my child?”

“It’s been over a week since my last blog.”

Silence on the other side of the confessional wall.

“Father?”

Throat clearing. Then, “Son, I’m not quite sure what this means, but I am here to guide you. What is this blog you speak of? Is it carnal in nature?”

“Oh no, Father. It’s nothing like that, although we probably should chat about those issues in our next session. No, a blog is where I post interesting things so that other people can read them.”

“You post things?” Short pause. “Are you sure this isn’t carnal?”

“Yes, Father. It’s like a diary, but it’s online, it’s on the Internet, and people visit my site to read what I put in this diary.”

“I see. This is a computer thing. Well, my son, we haven’t been allowed to have computers here since the unfortunate incident with Father O’Brien and that horrid website, the one with all the blaspheming and nudity and government agents posing as choirboys in chat rooms. You should never allow cookies on your computer, my son. Never!”

“Um, I really don’t know anything about that, so can we get back to me? How can I be clean again?”

“Well, Father O’Brien is currently getting clean in a state facility for five to seven years, although that may be a bit extreme in your case, especially since I don’t really understand what you’ve done. Or haven’t done and should have. Are we still talking about this blog thing?”

“Yes, Father, the blog. They say it’s a sin if you don’t post every day. That your readers will get bored and seek other blogs.”

“I am beginning to see the light, my son. Your flock is growing restless, and wandering from the pasture, turning away from The Source. We have seen a lot of this in The Church lately. It saddens me greatly, this loss of faith. Why are the sheep turning on us, when our message has not changed? For thousands of years?”

“Hmm. It might have something to do with you calling them sheep. But more to your point, maybe the sheep have cable TV and can watch other shows? Newer shows, based on what’s going on now, and not scripture written for issues that no longer apply? I’m just throwing that out there. But we’re still not quite back to me. How do I wash away this sin of neglect and abysmal results on Google Search?”

Long pause, during which can be heard a flurry of typing on a handheld device.

“Father, are you texting on your phone while I am confessing? Is that what Jesus would do?”

“My child, I am merely consulting the Internet to find the best advice for your troubling predicament. Have you ever been on Godipedia? It’s truly a spiritually-reaffirming place, for those times when the heathen atheists ask befuddling questions that were not covered during seminary training. But still, don’t allow cookies. Ever.”

“And what does this website, one that can be updated by anybody with a keyboard, have to say about my predicament?”

Another long pause, then “Feed the sheep daily. There can be no other way. You don’t want the sheep to pick up their non-stone tablet and start pushing enlightened buttons. So that should be your penance, you must blog every day whether you want to or not. Repetition is the key foundation of Our Church.”

“Thank you, Father. I will try harder to blog every day.”

“Good. Now that we have that out of the way, could you please place your order? My shift is about to end and the people in the cars behind you are getting a bit restless.”

“Sure, Father. I’ll have the Grease Bucket Burger, with cheese, and an order of onion rings. And a Grapette.”

“Got it. That’ll be $6.97. Please pull forward to the second window.”

 

Previously published. Revised and updated with extra Catholicism for this post.

Based on the comments shared on the previous posts, I feel compelled to say this: You don’t have to post every day or even every week. (I certainly don’t, despite my Act of Contrition assigned by Bud at Burger Shack.) Post when the spirit moves you to do so. Just make sure the post moves the spirit and everything will be fine…

 

Bud: “Welcome to Burger Shack. Can I take your order?”

Lurlene: “What the hell was taking so long with that idiot in front of me? Are you guys out of Grapette again?”

Bud: “No, he was just having a moment of moral reckoning and needed some guidance.”

Lurlene: “Oh? I don’t see that on the menu board. Are you running a special?”

Bud: “I don’t think so, but maybe we are. I didn’t read the employee newsletter this week. Because I mostly don’t care.”

Lurlene: “So you could help me with my own moral whatever you just said? Because I have unresolved issues and I’ve been drinking a lot of cooking sherry to deal with it.”

Bud: “Um, as long as we can wrap it up in the next ten minutes before my shift ends and I have to get on that stupid city bus that smells like feet.”

Lurlene: “Great! Okay, there was this one time at band camp…”

 

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53 replies »

  3. B…
    You had me at…the whole first part of this because I kinda have a …’doing unspeakable things in church with a very hot , Catholic-dogma-ambiguous priest’ secret fantasy .
    I know I know…issues! 🤣❤️
    But if YOU’RE taking confessions…I mean… I’d have much to confess ..know what I mean 😘
    Love,
    Fiery
    X

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • First, I’m all about the allure of doing things that shouldn’t be done with a member of the clergy. Something about the intensity of releasing long-held frustrations and the fact that said clergy member wouldn’t have any idea if I was doing things right or not…

      Second, I have enough things to confess that they would have to do shift-changes in the confessional booth before I wrapped everything up… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  12. I read the witty repartee and laughed heartily. But I still think that photo you shared looks as if the Priest guy is thinking “Will they EVER SHUT UP? I gotta pee…” Yeah. I know. Heathen here…(well according to a lot of Catholics, who seem to think Mormons (LDS) are just a bunch of cult-ish weirdos)… Now I owe five Hail Marys and a pass, right? Tip your server..

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • True story: I’ve never actually seen the movie (“I Confess”) that this still was taken from, but you’re right, Montgomery Clift looks like he’s got a serious cob up his ass. (Whoops, now the Catholics will be condemning me as well.)

      But I always tip my server. Always… 😉

      Like

      Reply

  13. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I only blog once a week, and if people don’t like that—well, there’s nothing really I can do! Now stop holding up the drive-through–I need my fries and shake!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Grapette was very popular in Oklahoma when I was growing up, along with Orange Nehi. (Though neither of them approached the front-runners Dr. Pepper and RC Cola. We loved us some high-sugar content, we did… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    • Hey there, Tammy! I knew I hadn’t seen anything from you lately, but I didn’t realize you had deleted your site until I just now tried to access it. I’m sure you have your reasons for doing so, but it IS a little sad. Are you working on another platform now, or are you on a complete break? To be honest, I’ve been flirting with a break as well, so I can concentrate on my books. But at the same time, I’ve become intrigued by “Medium”, so now I’m tinkering around over there as well as still messing with WordPress. (Meaning even LESS time for my books; I’ve never been very skilled at formulating a plan and sticking to it. Sigh.)

      Good to hear from you, and I hope we can catch up with one another in some way…

      B.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Brian, It’s been years since in the writing mode for me but I’m am just so glad you are crafting your art through books! Keep at that. I haven’t tried Medium since I’m not writing enough anyway. My site is at tmezpoetry.wordpress but yeah I did delete the old site not long after a breakup. Catching up with you and other talents make me soooo glad I’m getting back into the groove albeit slowly…

        Liked by 1 person

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